“Every damn day.” His bluntness was weighted. It was raw and truthful. “But my parents . . . they wouldn’t want that for me, just like your sister would want you to keep living.”
“It’s so hard.” I sniffled. “She was my other half . . . but the truth is, we’d grown apart the last few years. I chalked it up to her marriage, but something felt off and I couldn’t get her to open up to me. When she died, so did a piece of me, and I want it back. I want her back.” Boden’s grip around my legs tightened. “This past year, I’ve been living in a fog, desperate to feel something other than the overwhelming pain in my chest. I let my roommate talk me into something that was completely out of character for me. I left my home, my friends, my job, and I . . . my pursuit to feel again; it was like karma wanted to teach me a lesson. Remind me that I didn’t deserve happiness if she—”
“No, Lakelyn, no. Everyone deserves to be happy, and trust me when I say I was a mess too, but you know what, you’re already miles ahead of where I was at this point a year into the loss.”
A tremble tore through me as I shook my head in doubt.
“You are, from my viewpoint, and you want to know how I know that? You just admitted something that took me years to recognize. In my situation, I had little choice but to hold my head up and keep going for Brooke, and in being determined to be strong for her, I buried all my feelings under the carpet. It wasn’t healthy, and let me tell you, that resulted in me losing it over the silliest thing a time or two.
“Like the time Brooke was struggling with linear equations. I get math, and I’m good at it, but for the life of me, I couldn’t get her to understand. It was like my words were complete gibberish to her. That night felt like the longest night in history, but we persevered and ultimately found a different method than I was used to that made everything click for her.
“I can still picture the next day when she came home from school, and damn, if my heart didn’t burst with pride when she showed me she’d got eighteen out of twenty on her test.” His voice cracked. “But instead of celebrating, I fell apart in front of her. Everything I’d worked so hard to shield her from was on full display, and it wasn’t pretty.
“At that moment, I learned quickly that grief ebbs and flows. There’s no manual on coping, just like the process is different for everyone. I understand how easy it is to get sucked into your feelings when the loss and pain are so heavy and all-encompassing, but we have to heal at some point. We need to move on because nothing in life stays the same forever.” His other hand wrapped over mine and squeezed. “I promise the gaping hole in your heart will heal with time. Now that doesn’t mean you’ll forget your sister, that’s a bond that can never be severed, but you living your life to the fullest is the greatest gift you can give in honor of her memory. While I didn’t obviously know her, I don’t think she’d want to see you so down on yourself.”
Tears I’d hidden away from the world, much like Boden did with his sister, suddenly had an audience, a safe place to fall without judgment but rather a sympathetic sense of knowing the journey I was on.
“You’re not the same girl who rolled into town with what seemed like a chip on your shoulder and the need-no-one attitude. You’re a woman who has experienced some unimaginable grief, you need to give yourself the time and grace to heal that wound, and whatever it was that you’ve been doing for the past year, I’m glad you removed yourself from the situation. I, for one, am grateful our paths crossed because you are one special woman, Lakelyn, and I’m going to help prove it to you.”
Chapter18
Boden
Iawoke with a groan as something straw-like filled my mouth. I spluttered, pushing my tongue against my lips, realizing I had sucked in a mouthful of Lakelyn’s hair. I squinted an eye open and took in the scene before me: our two bodies, clothed and tangled under a blanket stretching the length of the bed in my trailer. It was a space that barely fit my large frame alone on a good day, yet I could confidently rank it as my best sleep ever here, and the particular reason for that was pressed up beside me.
Lakelyn.
Last night was unexpected. Falling asleep and spending the night together wasn’t planned, yet it felt like the most natural thing in the world.
I was content—an awareness so foreign.
Connecting with a woman on the level we did was an actual first. Getting close to anyone since my parents passing had been hard for me. I purposefully kept any company of the female variety at a distance. Resigning myself to keeping things light, non-complicated, or committed was easier that way. Relationships led to unattainable expectations and pressure to have a life like my parents, and I desperately wanted to avoid the gut-wrenching pain my dad felt when he learned my mom had died. His whole world crumbled in an instant. His love for her was so great it cost him his life. It cost Brooke and me our dad, and the thought of history repeating itself, swiftly became suffocating.
I needed air.
As gracefully as I could, given the tight confines, I separated myself from the beauty I’d spent the night holding, wishing I didn’t have to leave her warmth, but I needed to put some distance between us, and my bladder was ready to tap out. With ninja-worthy skills, I crawled over her body gingerly, repositioned the blanket, and made my way outside toward the trees.
While the thoughts in my head were swimming in unchartered waters, my body was acutely aware of how intently Lakelyn affected me. Trying to pee when another part of one’s anatomy had different ideas required extreme focus on my part to think of anything other than how good it felt to have her so close.
Breathing in her scent was akin to an awakening.
Feeling her in my arms stimulated a part of me I didn’t know existed.
The ghost of her breath against my skin was powerfully arousing.
“Fuck!”I gritted out.
The flooring I ordered should be in tomorrow.
I still need to prime the walls and paint before laying said flooring.
Kitchen cabinets have been delayed a week which throws my timeline off.
I willed myself off the ledge by running through a mental checklist of my current flip and what needed to be done over the next three days since I was off duty. While it would be easy to fist my cock and relieve the tension, now was not the time. I’d rather the blue balls than risk being caught like some jerk-off in the forest who couldn’t control himself. Admittedly, if I were at home, in the privacy of my shower alone, I might not be so honorable—I was only human, after all—but right now, I needed to mask my desires because the last thing I wanted to do was make things awkward.
I cared too much about her to jeopardize our friendship, especially after she’d opened up and confided in me her genuine, raw feelings surrounding living her life when her sister was no longer permitted the same luxury. I meant wholeheartedly what I said last night; she’s a remarkable woman, and our paths had crossed for a reason, and I wasn’t about to look this gift horse in the mouth. I’d take her in my life however I could; that’s how powerful the pull toward her seized in my chest and forced me to face reality.
When I returned to the trailer, my head felt clearer. Coming to the lake property always centered me, and now was no different. It was a reminder to live in the moment.
