By the time we’re finished, scrubbed clean, and fall exhausted into bed, I can’t fight the tide of exhaustion sucking me under. I can’t remember when I last had a restful fucking sleep. Ever. I know this one, this one coming for me like oblivion, it’s going to be different.
“Slow,” Ami whispers as she plants a gentle kiss on my cheek. “This is… we have to move slow. For both of us…” she threads her fingers through the wet strands of my hair, combing out snarls and oddly soothing me, like I’m the one who needs comfort.
It’s the last thing I feel before I’m out, sucked under the black tide of sleep that I so desperately need.
When I wake up, hours later, into the darkness of the room, I’m not entirely surprised to find her gone.
Iamsurprised to see her, wearing different clothes, sitting with her legs crossed on the couch in the living room, a strange look on her face and a stack of papers across her lap.
Chapter 23
Ami
Iwanted to trust Gage. I’d given him everything. All of my body.Willingly. I’d done things with him that I never thought I’d be able to do and share with another person.
I just couldn’t let it lie. I needed to know what he’d done to my attacker. And now I know, I’m still trying to come to terms with what it means for us. For our future.
It drives me insane that Gage can stumble from bed, his hair mussed in all directions, flat on one side, ridiculous on the other, knotted in the middle, rubbing sleep from his eyes, in nothing but his jeans, and my heart goes absolutely wild.
I don’t want to be affected. I don’t want my heart to start knocking all funny or my stomach to knit itself in knots. I hate that my palms are sweating and areas which I refuse to think about are throbbing wildly. I’m still sore from what we did only a few hours ago.
“You borrow those clothes from your sister?” Gage asks as he rubs his hand at the back of his neck, like he’s slept funny and he needs to massage out the kinks.
I wish I didn’t notice. I wish that my fingers didn’t ache to take the place of his and soothe the tension away. I wish that I didn’t want to hear him sigh in satisfaction and melt against me, all his strength at the mercy of my hands, for me to use as I wish.
I shouldn’t want anything to do with him. Especially after I found out that he lied. It seems that our whole relationship has been based on lies or duty. Never any space for us.
It was never reallyourrelationship at all.
“Nope.” I grip the papers in my lap a little tighter, using them to occupy my hands. “Went home and changed and came back.”
“Why would you do that? You could have just borrowed a t-shirt. Or thrown your clothes in the dryer.” He drops his hand back to his side. “Or stayed in bed.”
“With you?”
“Yeah. With me. Is it really such bad option?” His eyes drop to the divorce papers in my lap. “I guess it is, since I see that you drove all the way home and back. Must have grabbed them on the way.”
“I did.”
“And then you came back?”
I tilt my chin up and force my voice not to come out wobbly and wrong. “Yes. Because I need you to sign them.”
I watch as he blinks. His face hardens, giving little away. I hate that shuttered off look. I hate that he’s closing me out. Most of all, I hate that I hate it. I don’t want to care. This was never supposed to be about me caring. About me doing any of the things we’ve done. About me falling so fast and so hard and so helplessly into something I don’t even understand.
Gage crosses his arms over his chest, so that his biceps bulge and his abs zip up even tighter than they are already. “I guess we’ve come full circle then.”
I swallow hard, past the dryness in my mouth. I have to tell him. I have to tell him why I’m here. As I drove for hours, I planned what I was going to say. I rehearsed it over and over again. Tried to find the right words.
“After you fell asleep, I thought about going to see one of my sisters. I needed to talk, get my head straight about some things. It wasn’t just you I cut off when I left Helena, I left my family too. I don’t know. I just… I made it halfway to Leena’s and I pulled over. I just…”
“You couldn’t trust me.”
“Leena gave me some numbers earlier. When I couldn’t find you. When I thought you’d gone off and done something terrible. I had a number I never thought I’d use. I know he went with you. That he was the reason you foundhimso quickly. I had to know. I—”
“Couldn’t trust that I told you the truth. You thought I’d killed him?”
“I was worried!” I rip my head up so fast that my neck aches. The pain spreads down my spine and straight into my heart at his accusatory tone. “And apparently, I was right to worry, and to question, because you didn’t just rough him up. You tattooed rapist on his damn forehead. That’s not nothing! That’s not roughing someone up! That’s extremely specific. And then you… you cut off the tips of his fingers! What the hell were you thinking? If he finds out who you are, he could press charges. You could go to jail! This is exactly why I didn’t want you interfering!”
