"You're scowling."
I laughed before I could help it, and it loosened something. "Fine. Come for lunch tomorrow. Tell me the rest." I heard myself say it and felt a small, complicated lift in my chest, half hope and half dread.
Could I even do this?
"Tomorrow," Adam said, satisfied. "I'll bring the plans."
Oscar's attention had already moved. I knew him well enough to recognize the way his eyes caught on something over my shoulder, before his whole body leaned toward it like a plant in a window.
"There's Chad Blanchard," he said. "He’s been ducking my calls for a month. Adam--" Oscar interrupted himself and started walking in Chad’s direction.
Adam gave me a look I had known for almost twenty-five years, equal parts apology and exasperation, as he let himself be towed away.
* * *
Olivia and I found the dessert table and piled our plates with chocolate-covered strawberries, cheesecake, and bananas foster. It was more than either of us would eat, but it was part of what we always did at these things. With our hands full, we noticed Nicole, the third of our little group. She was seated alone, stirring the ice in her glass, deep in thought. We arranged the desserts in the center of Nicole’s table and sat on either side of her.
Nicole Hall was married to Dustin, one of the vice presidents. She had thick straight black hair, high cheekbones, and deep-set brown eyes that looked like she hadn’t slept in weeks.
"There she is," Olivia said, dropping several forks onto the table. "I've been looking all over for you."
Nicole gave us a smile that didn't reach her eyes. "It always ends up being just the three of us at these things," she said.
She meant it lightly, but there was something underneath it, a sadness I hadn’t heard from her before.
"You okay?" I asked.
She shrugged, still stirring. The ice clicked against the glass. "I've been wondering the same thing," she said. Then she pushed the glass away and looked at us. There was something almost reckless in her expression. Tired and reckless. As if she was finally giving in. "Do you ever think about your life? Like, step back and actually look at it?"
Olivia laughed. "All the time. Especially now that the kids are gone."
"Are you happy?" Nicole asked her.
Olivia was taken aback for a moment. Her brow knitted and she looked out at the room. I could see she was looking for Adam, and when she found him, she smiled.
"What Adam and I have… it's like somebody hit pause on it when we had the kids," she said. "Don’t get me wrong, it was good, but everything went to them. You know, all of it, every bit of attention we had. That was a choice we made when we had kids. We wanted to make sure they knew they were loved and cared for. And I think we did that.” She smiled wistfully. “Now that it's just the two of us again, it's like somebody hit play. Adam and I were unpaused. Things are good. Better than good." She said it simply, without bragging, and that was almost the worst part. She wasn't performing a happy marriage. She just had one.
I looked across the room while she said it. Oscar was easy to find; he always was. He stood in the middle of a knot of people with his drink held loose in one hand, his head tipped back, laughing at something, completely lit from within bythe particular joy he took in a room full of people. He was magnificent at it. He always was. He was in his element.
And the strangest thing happened in my chest while I watched him. I missed him.
Which made no sense. He was forty feet away. We had ridden in the limo together just a couple hours before. I would ride home beside him tonight, sleep in the same bed, and eat breakfast across from him tomorrow. But I knew that wouldn’t change things. I still missed him. I had missed him for a while.
"I'm jealous," Nicole said to Olivia as she forced another smile, her eyes becoming wet. "I mean that. I'm happy for you, and I'm jealous." She turned the glass slowly on the tablecloth. "I don't think the man I married is in there anymore.” She casually pointed in Dustin’s direction. “I keep looking for him, but…" She shook her head, then looked from Olivia to me, then back to her glass.
I could feel the pain in her words. I wanted to comfort her, but I was barely keeping it together myself. The last thing we needed was an ugly cry fest in the middle of the gala.
"Do people change?" Nicole asked. "My mother used to say they don't. For good or bad, people don't change. She said it as if it was a matter of fact. But I look at Dustin, I think about how we were, and she’s wrong."
"Have you talked to him about it?" Olivia asked gently.
Nicole made a small sound, not quite a laugh. "I've tried."
"He doesn't listen," I said.
The words were out before I knew I was going to say them. The two of them looked at me.
"He doesn't hear you anymore," I said. "You talk, and it goes right past him. You can watch it float right by."
