Oscar
The porch comment came out of my mouth before I had a chance to stop it. I was at the point where I really didn't want to talk to Ruby at all. She had me staying in the guest room, and I knew if she had it her way, I'd be somewhere else entirely.
I followed her out of the kitchen and watched her grab her keys and go out the door. The hum of the garage door came next, followed by her starting her car.
I hurt her with that comment. Good.
I still couldn't believe what happened. Separation. I knew what that meant, it meant she wanted a divorce but was too chicken to say it. She had probably been waiting all this time, biding her time until Jeremy left for college before saying anything.
But she did say something. Several times. She was right about that.
I pushed those thoughts away.
Back in the kitchen I took a sip of my coffee. Bitter. I set the mug down as I shook my head at it. I used to be able to make a decent cup of coffee. Not as good as when Ruby made me coffee,but still passable. My coffee-making skills seemed to have gotten worse over the past four days.
Everything Ruby made in this kitchen was special. I took the sugar out of the cabinet and saw a box of Kraft mac and cheese and smiled at a memory.
* * *
Ruby was sitting at the kitchen table sketching when five-year-old Jeremy and I entered. He was sweaty from riding his bike. Ruby stood up and filled his water bottle with some fresh, cold water and handed it to him.
"What do you want for lunch?" she asked.
"Mac and cheese!" he exclaimed happily. It was his favorite.
"I can make it," I said, pulling the blue box out of the cabinet.
"But Mom makes it better."
"She does, but she's working right now. It's just following directions on the box. I can do that." I turned to Ruby, who was smiling as she filled a pot with water. "That's all you do, right?"
"No, Mom adds her special ingredient," Jeremy said, looking up at Ruby.
Ruby lowered herself so she could be eye level with him. "That's right, I use my special ingredient whenever I cook for you."
"What's that?" I asked.
"Love," Jeremy said.
Ruby beeped her nose against his, something they did since he was a baby, and mussed his hair.
"It's fine, I can make the mac and cheese," she said, still smiling as she took the box from me.
* * *
I added another spoon of sugar to my coffee. It didn't help.
I dumped the rest in the sink and left for work.
The office was in Jersey City, twelve floors up, with a wall of glass that looked straight across the river at Manhattan. I bought that view on purpose. On a clear morning you could see all of it, the whole skyline lined up like a thing you could own, and most days I still stopped for a second when I came off the elevator and looked at it. That morning I didn't. I came down the hall toward my office with my coffee I hadn't finished and my head still four days behind me, and I almost walked right past Dustin Hall asleep on his couch.
His office is near the corner, glass on the inside as well as the outside, so the whole floor can see in and he can see the whole floor. He was on the couch under a blanket with a pillow, one arm over his eyes against the light. For a second I thought, he worked late, good man. Then I saw the pillow had a case on it, and the blanket was a real blanket, not something off the back of a chair, and I understood I was looking at something else.
I knocked on the glass.
He came up fast, the way you do when you don't know where you are, grabbing at the blanket, shoving it down between the couch cushions like that would do anything with me standing right there watching him.
"You know I can see you," I said.
