"You know I don't have time for that," I said.
I shook my head even though she couldn't see it over the phone. I had been telling myself I didn't have the time for a boyfriend for so long that I believed it without giving it another thought.
As I curled up on the couch, something hard poked my butt. I got up and found Gideon's ring on the cushion where his jacket was earlier and the guilt came back.
Why did I push him out? Last night was incredible. I wanted more nights like that, but I kept thinking it would never last. Gideon wasn't the kind of guy who was ever serious. I'd end up with my heart broken and losing my best friend. I didn't want either of those things to happen.
"Everything alright?" Sandra asked. "You got quiet."
"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just tired," I said as I placed Gideon's ring on the end table. "Don't worry about me. What's going on with you? Is everything okay with Billy?"
"I've been up all night," she said. "Around three a.m., Billy called me and I was going to ignore the call like I had been doing all night, but something told me to answer it. It's a good thing I did too."
"What happened?"
"He told me he took a handful of pills and wanted to die. I know him, he didn't want to die. But you know there are suicides in his family and you just never know with him, so I kept him on the phone while I called 911 with the other phone. They admitted him into the hospital and they'll most likely hold him for a while."
"That's good."
"It is. He'll be able to get sober there and hopefully when he's clean again, he'll go to rehab. He really needs that, but he's been so resistant before."
"Are you thinking of taking him back?"
"No, I can't. Not after everything that happened. Not after this time. He needs to do a lot of things before I even consider that."
"You're doing the right thing," I said.
"Then why do I feel so bad, Becca? Why do I feel like I'm dooming him to some horrible life if I don't take him back? He's got nowhere to go, no family, no friends who can take him in. All he had was me and the kids."
"You can't think like that, Sandra. I know you love him, but you need to think about your kids. Put them and yourself first. If things with Billy are meant to be, they will be. There's no reason to rush it, especially when you're so set on not taking him back. There's nothing wrong with you feeling that way."
"You're right. I know you're right. I don't know what's wrong with me that I keep blaming myself for what happens to him."
"Don't even think about that," I said. "Just stick to whatever you feel is best for your family."
"I know we're better off without him, at least for now. I just need to remind myself of that." She yawned and then let out a long breath. "I’ve gotta go. I have to finish clearing out the old house now that he's not there to get in my way."
"What's going to happen when he gets released from the hospital?"
"I don't know. I guess he'll go to a hotel."
"Will they call you?"
"No. He might call me, I don't know, but I'm not taking him in. There are plenty of hotels he can stay at."
"It's a little ironic that the family in your new house is what set him off."
"What do you mean? Him giving them money to stay at a hotel? Or that they reminded him of his own life of moving in and out of hotels with his mom? I guess it all came back full circle," she said. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound glib about it, I'm just tired and still have a lot to do at the old house before the landlord takes the keys back. Billy is like a cat, he always lands on his feet. I know he'll be fine."
"Okay, but if you need anything, just call me," I said.
"I will. Love you!"
"Love you too."
I put the phone down on the end table and picked up Gideon's ring. It was heavy and a little tarnished, but it made me feel like I was holding an important piece of him.
Gideon once told me how it was his grandfather's ring and even though he never met the man, every photo he had ever seen of him showed him wearing that ring. It made him feel like he had a family even though the only family he ever really knew was his brother Gabriel.
