He raises his wineglass toward me. “I won’t make you a young widow. You can bet on that.”
I shake my head at him. “Has anyone told you how cocky you are?”
“You, several times so far. And you like it.” He grins behind the glass and takes another sip.
“You’re so full of yourself.”
He rolls his lower lip through his teeth. “And you love being full of me.”
Between that erotic gesture and his filthy mouth, my cheeks heat, and I swallow a long gulp to ease the pressure. “Good God, Vian.”
“Later.” He winks at me, unabashed. “Now, where were we? Right. I have no time to question my flaws or shortcomings. I’m too busy for that. What about you?”
“I don’t know who I am... Not even this persona I present to the world. It’s like I live with a stranger inside me.” Sincerity flows out of me, and I toss the wine back, emptying it in one go. If I could only fill this gap inside me, but nothing helps.
Silence descends, as thick as a fog obscuring the path, dooming me to wander lost.
He opens and closes his mouth several times as if searching for the right words. “I think what makes us who we are is something unalterable, embedded into the fabric of our lives.”
“So you think I am the same?”
“We’re made to change and grow, but some traits can’t be erased.”
If his theory is right, then I preserve some of the older version of me, and it eases the constant internal turmoil a little.
“Thank you. I needed to hear that.”
His blue eyes darken, boring into mine with an intent look. “Let the past go. Your brain is not trying to sabotage you. It’s trying to help you. That’s its primary job.”
I slap my palms on the table, bending over it. “Quite presumptuous.”
He shoots up and mimics my position. “Don’t start a fight with me.”
How does he know what I intend to do before I do? I realize this is exactly what I was looking for, as if it’s my defense mechanism. Before him, I thought I was a reasonable person, but he triggers something deep within me, and I don’t know how to stop.
He closes his eyes for a moment, and when he opens them, the fight is gone. “I’ve missed you. I’m here, and I am not leaving you, baby.”
I don’t want fighting to be my go-to reaction either. Looking down, I avoid his gaze. “I am not like this… It’s?—”
“Me,” he sighs, the sound filled with such sorrow it clenches my heart into an unyielding fist. “You can fight with me for the rest of our lives. I can take it.”
“Why?”
I don’t understand his strategy. What is he trying to do? Seduce me to get access to my body? Make me love him so he can control me?
“We’re playing a very dangerous game.”
“I’m not playing games.”
I tilt my head, gesturing between us with my hand. “Then what are you doing? What makes me so different that you ended your celibacy, your vow to another woman?”
I don’t even know what I want to accomplish.
“We’re married. We can treasure the people we loved, but we must continue living. That’s what you have done since you proposed marriage. You planted a seed that has grown into something beyond your expectations. Aren’t you tired of simply existing, surviving one day after another, waiting for the shitshow to end because you lost your purpose long ago?”
I rear back. He loved her tremendously, but it also shows me he’s capable of that kind of deep love.
“Who would you choose?” I whisper, knowing I sound like a selfish, idiotic woman, but that woman he loves triggers another part of me.
