He started adjusting things.
“You would look better if that wasn’t so tight.”
“That isn’t really flattering.”
“Maybe try something looser.”
Tiny comments, Easy for him to say. Easy for him to forget.
Not easy for me to unhear.
I started to notice myself differently.
The way fabric pulls. The way I stand. The way I cross my arms without realizing.
I peel off my leggings and oversized graphic t-shirt, hanging them over the hook instead of dropping them on the floor. Steam fills the bathroom as the shower runs, blurring my reflection from the fog.
Under the hot water, I let the day rinse off me. The café, my sisters. The way Lily looked at me was like she knew.
And the way that he didn’t look at me like something needed fixing.
When I step out, the towel wrapped tight. I catch my reflection one more time. Bare skin, hair in a high messy bun, no makeup.
Just me.
It took a while, but I am not immediately looking for what needs to be adjusted.
I head to my dresser, pull out a clean pair of pajamas, and slip them on before getting into bed. Reaching to my bedside table, I grab my vanilla lavender lotion and rub it into my hands.
Lying in bed, I go back to the night I decided to leave Ryan for good. There were always a lot of “breakups” along the way that only lasted a day or two. But this one broke me, this one made me walk away and never look back. It was like the fog was lifted, I could see clearly, see what my friends and family saw for years, and I had always brushed off.
Lily came over as soon as I called her. She sat with me all night and stayed with me as I cried. She told me I was worth so much more and deserved more than he could offer.
He made me so dependent on him over those past four years. I’d learned from my therapist that is what controlling people do. They shower you with gifts and kindness, they make you believe that you are their world and they would never treat you wrong. And then once you are comfortable, once they know you feel safe, they slowly start changing. They start showing you their true colors. You don’t leave, though, because you think they might just be having a bad day, or maybe you did something to make them mad, so it’s not who they truly are.
After I left, he kept calling multiple times a day, trying to get me back. He would tell me he would change and never call me names again. Then he would turn things around in the next message and tell me I was making things up, that he never said or did what I was claiming.
Eventually, I blocked him. My sisters and therapist encouraged me too. They made good points that his calls and messages were stalling me moving on and healing from that relationship.
Sometimes his words slip back into my thoughts: Maybe this shirt is too tight, maybe I should wear a sweater over my clothes to hide my arms.
I quickly snap out of my thoughts. I haven’t seen or talked to him in over two years; he shouldn’t still be haunting me.
I settle under the covers, the faint hum of the café below drifting up through the floorboards. My little corner of Lavender Creek, my flowers, my coffee, my carefully curated space, it’s all mine. Every detail I’ve poured myself into, it reflects who I am. Thoughtful and not afraid to claim what I know I deserve.
I’ve loved, I have made mistakes, and let people shape me when I shouldn’t have. That is done, no more bending, I know my worth. I know the kind of man that I want in my life. The kind that will see me, all of me, and always choose me, every day. The kind who will love me strong and hard.
Someday, I hope that I will find love and we can stand by each other and build a life together.
For now, I have my home and my café. My sanctuary. My future is slowly unfolding. And when I wake up tomorrow, I will reach for my cup of coffee and be thankful for everything I have gone through because it brought me to where I am.
I will never settle for anything less than the life I deserve.
6
Everett
Today is the day I am meeting with the realtor to do a walk-through of the theater. Part of me is nervous since the place is so old. I know there will be some things that are wrong with it, and I’m just hoping for nothing serious.
