‘No.’
‘Mae.’
‘Maybe a little.’
I squeezed my eyes shut, suddenly filled with fear that she was regretting our night together. I wanted, needed to know. Needed to comfort her. But I was terrified of what she might say. That fear stopped me from speaking. I just couldn’t form the words.
‘Everything is beautiful,’ she said. ‘This whole night. The sunrise. A new day. You. It’s all just… perfect.’
And relief flooded through me.
‘I wasn’t unhappy,’ she continued. ‘Not really. I mean, the breakup with Nick was hard. Don’t get me wrong. Although it was less of a breakup and more of a dumping. In my mind, the term breaking up always implies some form of mutuality.’
‘Why are we talking about Nick?’ I asked, finally finding my words.
She crinkled her nose up at me. ‘Sorry. Talking about my ex is kind of a mood killer, isn’t it. I do have a point though, I promise. At least I think I do. My mind is kind of scrambled right now. Thoughts all over the place.’
I kissed her shoulder. ‘I’m listening.’
She took a deep breath in, her ribs expanding as she filled her lungs with the cold December air. ‘Like I said, I wasn’tunhappy, as such. I mourned the end of the relationship like any normal, self-respecting woman. Getting drunk and burning his photo with my best friend.’
‘Ohhhhkay.’
‘It’s less voodoo than it sounds. More symbolic.’
‘I’ll take your word for it.’
‘And he wasn’t the only reason I chose to move here. I’d been… restless, in the city for a while. I loved my job but I was starting to feel the emotional toll of it. They tell you tocompartmentalize the ones you lose, but I was never really any good at that. I was OK though, because I knew I had done everything I could. As long as I could look in the mirror and know that I threw everything I had at each resus, every tool in the toolbox, every weapon in my arsenal. All the knowledge I had. As long as I knew that I had done my absolute best to try and save a life, I could live with it.’
‘What changed?’
‘I got older, I guess. The hours, the shifts, were long. I started to notice the effects on my body. The bureaucracy, the system, it’s broken. People can’t afford health care, so they wouldn’t seek medical attention until it was too late.Thatwas hard to handle. Knowing a few days could have made a difference, but they didn’t ask for help because they prioritized feeding their kids. I realized that even though every day I made a difference tosomeone, it would never be enough. It would stop. I gradually realized that, selfishly maybe, the person who really needed my help, the one I needed to make a difference for, was myself.’
‘That’s not selfish. That’s self-preservation.’
‘Is there a difference?’
‘Huge. Mae, looking after yourself is self-care. And it isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity. It’s about making yourself the main character in your story, instead of always putting others first.’
‘Makes sense when you put it like that. I still feel like I’m letting people down though.’
‘How? Look at how much you’ve helped my father already. And Ray.’
She gave me a sideways look. ‘I didn’t help Ray. There was nothing wrong with him.’
‘You mean apart from being a grumpy old bastard.’
‘Is that your official diagnosis, Dr. Sawyer?’
I nudged her with my shoulder. ‘Not a doctor, remember. Just observant. You might not think you did much for him, butI can promise you, you did. He would hate me for saying this, but underneath all the bravado he’s obviously scared. It can’t be easy, being ninety-something years old and wondering if every ache or twinge is the beginning of the end. When actually, if you think about it, everything that happens from the moment we’re born is the beginning of the end.’
‘Wow. That’s a cheerful thought.’
‘I know. Sorry. I went off track. All I’m trying to say, is that you helped Ray just by being there. By listening to him and taking his concerns, however trivial, seriously. You’re still making a difference in people’s lives, Mae. You’re just putting your own happiness first for a change as well.’
‘My sister thinks I left the city because I was running away. That I’ve made a big mistake moving here, an impulsive, unrealistic mistake, just to escape reality.’
He shook his head. ‘I don’t think you came here looking to escape. I think you came here looking for a home. And you’ve found one here in Pine Harbor. For as long as you want it.’
