If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was facing an honest-to-God mermaid. To a four-year-old, the woman in the aquarium is the real-deal. There’s no sitting down for Zoe now. She jumps up, her little nose mashed against the glass, eyes locked on the mermaid, who’s now swimming back and forth.
On turning to check on Lily, I can see she’s equally mesmerized, although too much the adult to jam her nose against the glass. “The Little Mermaid was my favorite book when I was growing up.”
She shakes her head as if to break the spell that’s being cast by that brightly colored tail. Rather than swimming back and forth, the ‘mermaid’ is now turning lazy circles and waving at the gaggle of little girls that now line the glass.
Once again, I slam my hands over my ears as the small choir squeal in response to a flashy tail spin. “Sheesh, if they keep that up, they risk breaking the glass. Want to move to the back row? I can still watch Zoe from there.”
Lily’s disappointment is palpable. I think she’s sad to be leaving the mermaid to her fishy business until I notice she’s actually looking at Zoe and the other little girls.
The desolation in her eyes is the same as had been there when we were watching the kids traipsing home from school. Might this be the reason her marriage broke up? She wanted kids, but he didn’t?
This has me thinking back to what she’d said when I’d insisted on using a condom. I’m parking it for now, because it’s way too soon to talk about things like that. Hell, we haven’t even been on a date yet, unless you count today?
We’ve not been in the back row long when Lily sighs. “I’d have loved to see something like this when I was Zoe’s age, but my parents…” She laughs briefly at the antics of another mermaid who’s joined the first, before carrying on. “They didn’t believe in make-believe. With them, it always had to be educational.”
A quick squeeze of her hand and I lean in so she can hear me above the racket being kicked up now that two more mermaids have joined the others. “When I was little, the closest we’d have gotten to anything like this, was hunting for shellfish at the beach.”
What I don’t tell her is that we were foraging for dinner without the need of expensive fishing gear. “Jade and I always talked of having three or four kids, only…” I slam my mouth shut, but it’s too late.
Next to me Lily freezes and when I risk a glimpse in her direction, I see her eyes are shimmering with unshed tears. “Alice told me what happened. I’m so very sorry.” It’s then her turn to squeeze my hand, only facing me after that.
Unsure of how much the old girl from the Rose Haven had told Lily, I deem it safer to keep quiet. And anyway, who the hell wants to rehash an awful time in their life like that? Not when you’re on what amounts to a fun family outing.
Eager to move onto safer subjects, I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. “Hey, I’d love to be a dad again, but kids are expensive. I’d rather care for them properly than…”
As I watch her eyes sheen with tears, any other words dry up. That she wants kids is obvious in so many ways, not least of all being the way she gazes at Zoe when she thinks I’m not looking. Again, I have to wonder at what went wrong with her marriage.
I’d ask, but I’m not into the touchy-feely stuff. I’m more at ease showing people I care about them by my actions. Like showing Zoe how much I love her by taking her to see a ‘real-life’ mermaid, when I know it’s a crock.
Next to me, Lily takes a calming breath or two before rushing out. “Kids aren’t on the cards for me.”
Her phrasing is strange, leaving me uncertain if it’s a case of won’t or can’t, or that she’s not interested in taking on someone else’s. This has me checking on Zoe to see how she’s going. Why would a woman not want to take on a kid as wonderful as Zoe? Again, I’m not comfortable asking.
However, once Lily starts, she doesn’t seem able to stop. Careful to keep her eyes locked on the mermaids and Zoe, she rattles through everything that was wrong with her marriage before running out of steam.
The only thing she hasn’t cleared up is whether in being unable to have kids herself, she’s not interested in being a mom, period. It’s one thing for her to look at my daughter longingly, it’s another thing entirely to take on the responsibility full-time.
Zoe breaks the awkward silence when she bounds up and jams herself between us, now a veritable expert on everything about merfolk. It would appear the mermaids are off for a special morning tea, because even mythical sea creatures need scheduled breaks.
ELEVEN
LILY
On the trip home, I keep my eyes glued to the road, still unable to believe I told Tyler about my failed marriage and why it went wrong. In doing so, I’d as good as told him there was no future for us, not when I couldn’t play the part of mom, other than on paper.
My heart races as I replay the moment in my mind, with Tyler’s silence deafening ever since.
Even Zoe has fallen silent now, worn out from too much excitement and junk food. In contrast to the non-stop chatter of the drive there, all that comes from the backseat is gentle snoring, with even this tugging at my heartstrings.
I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy as I think about how I would love to have a child like her. But now, I doubt I’ll have that chance, and anyway, the thought of being a stepmom fills me with conflicting emotions.
Would it be a constant reminder of my own failures? Or could it be a new opportunity for happiness? I’m not sure if I’m ready to face those questions yet, and certainly not so soon after my divorce.
Perhaps my worrying about it is academic. If Tyler is like most men, my unburdening myself will have him dropping me off without another word. It’ll then be all business come Monday when he turns up with the rest of the crew.
Then I have to wonder if I’d blurted out about my inability to have kids because I knew it was all too soon to even think about it. Perhaps my subconscious had the right of it? Surely, I must be out of my mind to be thinking about starting anything new when the pain of the divorce is still so fresh?
I’ve come to no conclusions when we arrive back at the house. Rather, I’ve been making plans how I’ll avoid Tyler and the rest of the Lucky Break Construction team come Monday.
