“Whatever it is, we’ll work it out, okay?” I follow this promise up with a chaste kiss on top of her head. “Unless that is you really don’t want me, ah, us…” I have to suck in a good lungful of air before I can continue. “Me, I’d happily spend tonight with you wrapped tight in my arms.”
Another sniffle, and she relaxes against my chest. It’s enough, for now. Another kiss to the top of her head, and I ask, “Did you get a mattress?”
Rather than speak, she nods her head, with it butting against my chin. “Okay, let’s grab it and set it up in the trailer. She’s nice and solid now, and while you were out, I went and got a fresh propane tank.”
What I don’t tell her is that I’ve also stocked the cupboards and small fridge with a few basics. Just enough to get her started, and enough for dinner tonight.
Okay, so my thinking at the time might have been on the selfish side, but now I’m glad of it. The last thing she needs to deal with right now is heading out to a supermarket.
* * *
Sheesh, getting that damned mattress out the back of her car is a mission. “How the hell did they get it in here? With a battering ram?”
At last, I get some laughter from Lily, who’s on the other side of the car, pulling on the mattress as I put my full weight against it on my side. With a rush, it frees and I sprawl across the back seat.
Meanwhile, the blasted mattress has sent Lily flying.
“Hell’s teeth, are you okay?”
I crawl forward, climbing over the mattress in my haste to get to where she’s lying in the weeds that pass for a garden at this place. For a start, I think she’s in shock, although I soon see she’s laughing so hard she’s having trouble breathing.
I’m still chuckling when I spot the angel that I’d tripped over earlier. Damn it, if Lily had landed a couple of inches to the left, she wouldn’t be laughing, she’d probably be unconscious. Unaware of all of this, she keeps laughing.
Not that funny, was it? It’s only when I lay next to her in the weeds that I think of something. Was it that her fall released the pressure that’d been building since we made love? I sure hope so because the air has been prickly ever since.
“Come on, you.” I roll onto my side to look at the gorgeous woman still giggling next to me. “Let’s get this damned foam battering ram over to your trailer. It’ll be getting dark soon.”
As sure as I am about nightfall, I’m also sure that when that happens, I won’t be here to see it. I’ll be home reading Zoe her bedtime story, the same as I have every night since she’d arrived home from the hospital on her own.
NINE
LILY
As Tyler and I drag the world’s heaviest mattress into the clearing next to the trailer, the sight of the picnic blanket has me back in that moment. It’s a relief Tyler is busy looking over his shoulder at where we’re going, allowing me to hide my reaction.
It’s not as easy to hide this from myself, my emotions being messed up like they are. Had our combined release been wonderful? Yes, but it had been a lot more than that to me.
It was a reminder of the wasted years with Mitchell. To the number of times when making love, I’d been so focused on conceiving that I hadn’t actually enjoyed myself. That I hadn’t been present.
I’d sure as hell been present with Tyler earlier. It was something that had left me raw, the very essence of who I am as a woman, exposed for all to see. I wasn’t sure how this sat with me, my always being a private person.
Mind you, I hadn’t been alone in focusing on conception above all else. Mitchell had been as keen, maybe even keener than me, on starting a family. However, to him it was more about legacy, and proving his virility, than it was about being a dad.
How would he have reacted if our firstborn was a girl as it had been for Tyler? I don’t need to think hard, able to imagine Mitchell’s disappointment without effort.
It’s enough to have me dropping my end of the mattress.
While I fight another bout of tears, Tyler manhandles the rolled-up mattress through the narrow trailer door and onto the bed. If he wasn’t here, it’d still be stuck in the back of my car.
To put some distance between us, I call out, “I’ll go grab the other stuff from the car.” Not waiting for him to reply, I hightail it out of there, concentrating both on my breathing and not tripping in the weeds.
I’ve collected the high-end bedding and am walking back to the trailer when I run into Tyler.
“I’ve unrolled the mattress. It’s not very flat yet, but it should be okay in an hour or two.”
I’m expecting him to grab the large plastic bag of bedding, but he instead steps to the side to allow me to continue on. A moment’s surprise, and I start up again, but don’t get far, when he puts his hand gently on my shoulder.
“Sorry, but I need to be somewhere. I’ll…” He looks at his boots briefly before continuing. “… see you tomorrow, unless…”
