I remember running into him that night for recon. A small smile grows on my face, reminiscing about that rooftop. I didn’t even realize it yet, but looking back at it now…
I stop outside the men’s locker room, pressing my hand to the door. Taking a steadying breath, I push inside. The lights click on, detecting movement. I move to the wall, switching the big overhead lights off. Only leaving on the occasional light.
I move down the aisles until I find where I know the guys are. He’s the third from the end. My steps slow. The Guild hasn’t cleared it yet. His nameplate is still there
TEX WARD
Simple. Black engraving on brushed steel. I run my fingers over his name. I pull the door open and lower myself onto the bench, the hinges creak.
His gloves hang from a hook, knuckles scuffed and cracked from use.
A spare black tee is folded on his shelf. Along with his deodorant and a bottle of cologne.
Versace Eau Fraîche.
I remember complimenting him one day. Tex shared that it was the most expensive thing he could bring himself to buy. I teased him.
“Don’t lump me in with those fancy fucks. The guy said girls go feral over this shit. Worked on you.” he winks at me with a smile.
Fancy fuck.
Combat boots shoved to the side, laces half-tucked. An insulated water bottle with a dent in the metal, covered in stickers.
The door has more stickers with small silver magnets holding up photographs and papers. Photos of Tex with Jace, Luca, and Noah. Younger versions of them. I smile, tracing over their faces.
My eyes catch on a smaller photo. Carefully, I remove the magnet and hold it up. The edges are worn, the color faded.
A little girl with braids and a gap-toothed grin sits on Tex’s shoulders. He looks so young, lighter. Almost shy in the way he’s smiling.
Ellie.
My chest caves in and the tears fall. I press the picture to my chest. And my head falls back, staring at the ceiling.
The nightmare flashes again.
‘Tex being held, the gunshot, my name on his lips.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper into the dark. “I should’ve?—”
My words catch and I shake my head, gasping for air as a sob rips through me. There were a hundred things I should’ve done. We should’ve never split up. Moved faster. Shot first, before Daniel could open his stupid mouth. I move and take his cologne, spritzing the sleeve of the hoodie. Inhaling his familiar scent. Clean and woody.
“You idiot,” the words come out on an exhale. But it’s not anger. “You were supposed to make it.”
I fold forward, forearms bracing against my knees as the tears drop to the concrete. I don’t know how to move forward. How to be happy.
“I’m trying, Tex.” I sniff, lifting my head.
I just sit. In front of his name, the life he left behind. The space that will never be filled.
I let myself miss him.
I takethe photo of him and Ellie and his cologne. I’ll buy another bottle and leave his used one on my dresser, the last one he touched.
Bringing the sleeve back up to my nose, I stop in front of Maeve’s door. I don’t want to wake her up. But I’m trying to let the people who love me help.
My knuckles thump against the wood. A few seconds and the door swings open. Maeve’s blonde and red curls are chaotic, one eye squinting from the light.
“Hey,” she yawns, one hand covering her mouth. “Bad dreams?”
