“I’m guilty of always putting them first, which is what got me into this situation.”
“Please don’t be hard on yourself for prioritizing your kids. You’re not the first mom to get lost in the weeds of parenthood, and you certainly won’t be the last.”
“I feel like I tried to do everything right, you know? I made huge sacrifices personally, financially, professionally, to be as present for them as I possibly could be, and yet… Two of my kids have been victims of violent crimes. That’s the part I’m having the hardest time reconciling. How could this have happened to my family twice?”
“It’s truly not fair.”
“My father used to tell us that life isn’t fair, that we shouldn’t expect it to be.”
“He was a wise man, your dad.”
“Yes, he was, and I’ve never felt entitled to fairness, but this…”
“It’s too much for anyone to bear, but it sometimes helps to look for the gratitude. While something terrible happened to Brooke, she hasn’t let it stop her from pursuing her education, or from falling in love and having a wonderful relationship with her young man. And Ethan, as horrible as his ordeal was, used his own savvy to save himself and his friend from potentially being murdered. Your kids are resilient, Tracy, and they probably get that in large part from you.”
Tracy reached for a tissue on the coffee table and mopped up tears that seemed to materialize out of nowhere lately. “Please don’t think I’m not grateful every day that they survived when other children involved in both incidents didn’t. I think about those kids and their parents all the time. I ache for them.”
“Of course I know that, but sometimes, in the midst of calamity, it can be difficult to recognize the blessings.”
“Yes, that’s true. I’ve been so focused on the trauma that it’s been impossible to see anything else.”
“Which is totally understandable. The trauma is recent and raw, and by no means am I minimizing it. I’m hoping I can help you find some kernels of hope to hang on to as you navigate this difficult season.”
“You make a good point about finding the blessings. Every time I see Ethan’s cute face, I’m so overwhelmed with gratitude that he’s still here, that he’s safe.”
“You know Ethan won’t always be at home where you can see him and ensure his safety.”
“I can’t even think about that.”
“You really need to, Tracy. He’ll be back to school before long, wanting to be with his friends and get on with his life.”
She was shaking her head before he ended the sentence. “I can’t.”
Dr. Trulo tipped his head and smiled. “You have to, Mama. He didn’t save his own life to spend it in lockdown. And you have to get yourself right about this for Abby’s sake, too.”
Mike came bursting into the room, startling her. “I’m so sorry I’m late. The Metro was stopped underground, and I didn’t have cell service.” His dark blond hair had gotten grayer since the last time she’d looked closely. His eyes were rimmed with red and had bags under them that hadn’t been there before the recent disaster. If she had to guess, he’d also lost about ten pounds.
“Come join us, Mike,” Dr. Trulo said. “We were just chatting while we waited for you.”
Mike unzipped his jacket and sat next to Tracy. “Sorry.”
She nodded. The second he’d come into the room, her open heart and mind had slammed shut in an involuntary reaction that had her wondering how they’d ever find their way back to each other.
“What did I miss?”
“Tracy and I were talking about how she’ll cope when Ethan is ready to go back to school and his activities.”
“I won’t handle it well,” Tracy said, “but he can’t stay home forever, even if I wish he could.”
“I get that,” Mike said. “It’s hard for me to stay at Angela’s, where I can’t watch over him and Abby every minute of the day. I don’t even want to go back to work because it would take me away from them.”
Tracy was surprised to hear Mike say that and immediately felt guilty that he was at Angela’s and couldn’t help keep their kids safe.
“You’re experiencing trauma responses,” Dr. Trulo said. “Rationally, you both know you can’t keep him safe and protected all the time, even if you wish you could. But I have hope for you because you’ve succeeded once before in allowing Brooke to go away to college, where she’s grown and thrived.”
“That’s true,” Mike said. “Despite everything, she’s a rock star.”
“Maybe it’s not despite everything,” Dr. Trulo said. “Maybe it’s because of everything she went through that she has a keen appreciation for life and is determined to make the most of hers.”
