Page 94 of The Song We Lost

“My sister, Sadie,” I add, because I have to say it fully. “She has Stage IV pancreatic cancer. And…”

I stare out the window while I say it, like if I don’t look at the nursery it won”t hurt as much.

“And, she’s pregnant so there aren't any treatment options.”

“How far along?” he asks gently.

I know he’s not asking about cancer.

“Twenty weeks.”

Another quiet beat.

“And you’re home,” he says.

“Yes.”

“Good.”

He doesn’t ask about the album, or offer solutions. He just stays on the line with me.

“She doesn’t want me looking for a cure,” I say quietly. “She wants paint colours and baby names. She’s dying Jackson and there isn't a thing I can do about it. She just wants me to give up… accept it and spend what time she has left with her.”

“What do you want?” he asks.

I don’t know how to answer that.

“I want her to live,” I say. “I want a future with my sister in it.”

He exhales slowly.

“I know.”

I slide down the wall until I’m sitting on the floor in the hallway.

“I’m not leaving,” I say again, like if I say it enough someone will actually listen.

“Ok,” he replies simply.

After we hang up, I sit there for a minute longer.

The house is warm.

Sadie’s laugh floats up the stairs, and for the first time in days, I let myself just breathe.

Not fix.

Not plan.

Not fight.

Just breathe.

chapter 24

luke

. . .