Page 90 of The Song We Lost

I can’t sing it away.

The scream comes again, hoarse and breaking. And when it fades, I stay there on my knees in the dirt, chest heaving, the wind moving through the field like nothing has changed.

For a long moment, I let myself feel how small I am.

And then, slowly, I lift my head.

Because I am still her sister and Sadie needs me.

chapter 23

bailey

. . .

Sadie wakes me up by knocking on my bedroom door like she used to when we were kids.

Three soft taps.

“Are you decent?” she calls.

I roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling for a second before answering. “When have I ever been decent?”

She laughs, and it’s still my favourite sound in the world. She comes in wrapped in a blanket, hair messy.

“I couldn’t sleep,” she says.

Neither could I.But I don’t say that.

She crawls into bed with me and snuggles in close, like I'm fifteen again and hiding from the pain the world keeps on inflicting.

“I was thinking about the nursery,” she says.

Of course she was. She has been thinking about the baby nonstop for days now. Colours. Curtains. Crib placement. Whether the rocking chair should face the window or the door.

Anything but oncology appointments.

Anything but herself.

“I don’t want beige or boring,” she says firmly. “I refuse to bring a child into a beige room.”

I prop myself up on my elbow. “What a bold stance.”

She narrows her eyes at me. “I’m serious.”

“I know.”

She rests a hand over her stomach, absentminded.

“She deserves colour,” Sadie continues. “She deserves something bright. Something that feels… alive.”

The word hits like a gut punch.Alive.

“I don’t want you reading those files anymore,” she says suddenly.

My jaw tightens. “That’s not your call… I can’t just…”

“It is when you’re up until three in the morning cross-referencing clinical trials that I don't want to participate in.”