Page 216 of The Song We Lost

His grin only grows. "You love me."

I roll my eyes and climb into the truck before he can continue. The drive home is quiet. Luke drives with one hand onthe wheel and the other resting on my thigh. Iris sleeps in the backseat.

The last year flashes through my mind in pieces. The grief, anger, pain, but then the healing, self discovery and so much love. Learning how to breathe again, how to live again. Finding our way back to each other.

Some days it still hurts. I don't think that part will ever completely disappear. But grief isn't the only thing I carry anymore. Love lives beside it now. With hope, joy, family and…

Luke squeezes my thigh gently.

"What are you thinking about?"

I look out the window, at the familiar roads, at the mountains in the distance. At the place I spent years fighting my way back to.

“That you are right, Iris does need some cousins."

His smile softens, and his voice cracks, "Yeah?"

I look over at him, at my husband, my best friend, then I glance in the rearview mirror at Iris sleeping peacefully in her car seat.

My chest aches with a happiness I once thought I'd lost forever.

"Yeah," I whisper.

epilogue 2 - bailey

The ocean is freezing, absolutely freezing and Iris is having the time of her life. Her tiny squeals echo across the beach while I hold her against my chest, waves crashing around our legs as she kicks excitedly at the water like she was born for this.

Maybe she was.

The wind whips my hair across my face while late afternoon sunlight spills gold over the endless stretch of beach in front of us.

Tofino looks exactly the same and yet feels completely different.

I tighten my hold on Iris as another wave crashes toward us and she laughs so hard she snorts.

“Oh my god,” I laugh breathlessly. “You are definitely your mother’s daughter.”

Behind us I hear Luke laughing too. I glance over my shoulder toward the shore where he stands beside Cole wrapped in hoodies and holding giant towels like we are both completely crazy.

Noah is farther down the beach helping Thomas and Rose set up a fire while music drifts softly from a speaker buried in the sand.

Life has moved forward. Messy and beautiful.

My hand instinctively slides down over the curve of my stomach as Iris presses her wet little hands against my cheeks. I still can’t fully believe it sometimes. A baby. Another little pieceof us. Hope wrapped up in something terrifying and beautiful all at once.

Luke’s expression softens immediately when he catches the movement. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of the way that man looks at me now. Not like I’m something he has to earn. Or something he’s afraid to lose. Just… like he loves me. Completely.

The waves rush around us again and suddenly I’m not here anymore.

I’m back in this exact spot watching Sadie walk straight into the freezing November ocean like fear had never once touched her. I can still see it perfectly. Her sweater, the sunlight behind her and the sound of pure joy in her laugh. The peace on her face when she turned back toward me.

And the look on her face as she watched me following her. Choosing her. Choosing life.

The grief still hits sometimes. It can be sharp and sudden and unfair. Some days the guilt that I get to live our dream, I get to have Luke and a family. I get to live… It gets to me.

For a while I was anxious about being affectionate with Luke in front of Cole and when I spoke to my therapist about it she asked, how would you feel if Cole moved on. I didn’t hesitate when I said I would be happy for him. She gave me a look like,exactly…

Now when I feel that way I go and talk to Sadie or I talk it through with Luke and he reassures me.