Page 203 of The Song We Lost

His voice sounds hollow and exhausted. And fuck… I know that feeling.

Cole drags a hand over his face roughly before speaking again. “I met her and I just knew.” His voice cracks slightly. “Like immediately. I saw all of it. The porch. Grey hair. Kids running around the property.” I stay quiet, and he continues. “She made everything feel…” He laughs once bitterly. “Real. Like maybe life could actually be good.”

The sunset burns gold across the valley below us while grief settles heavy between us.

“We found out she was pregnant and I swear to god it was the happiest I’ve ever been.” His eyes shine now but he keeps talking anyway. “Then we got married and I kept thinking this is it. Sadie finally gets the happy life she deserved.”

My chest tightens painfully.

“I thought I could take care of her,” he whispers. “Thought we’d raise Iris here, have more babies and grow old… she’d finally feel safe enough to just… enjoy her life.” His breathing shakes and he chokes out, “Then she got sick.” The words nearly disappear into the wind. “And suddenly everything started collapsing so fast I couldn’t fucking catch it.”

I stare out toward the mountains silently while he tries to hold himself together beside me.

“The logical part of me knows it wouldn’t have changed anything,” he says hoarsely. “She was already so sick when we found out.” He swallows hard. “But sometimes…” His voice breaks completely. “Sometimes it feels like she gave up on me.”

Fuck.

I close my eyes briefly because grief says cruel things sometimes.

“But then she gave me Iris,” he whispers. “And I look at her and she’s Sadie.” His shoulders shake once before he forceshimself to breathe again. “How do I just keep going without her?”

The question hangs between us while the sky slowly turns pink and gold.

“You don’t have to figure out forever right now,” I say quietly.

Cole looks over finally.

“Focus on today. Maybe tomorrow. Next week if you’re feeling ambitious.”

He lets out this rough exhausted laugh.

“I’m serious.” I lean back against the bench slightly. “You’re trying to survive the rest of your life all at once.”

The wind shifts around us carrying the smell of pine and summer grass.

“Do things for yourself too, not just for Iris” I tell him quietly. “And then find things for you and Iris to do together. Build new memories that belong to both of you.”

Cole stares back toward the valley again.

“I know Bailey can’t keep helping forever…”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I cut him off.

He blinks at me, startled.

“You are lucky Bailey didn’t hear that shit,” I cut in immediately. “That little girl might be yours, but she belongs to all of us too.”

Emotion flashes hard across his face.

“She’s family, Cole. You don’t have to earn help and definitely not from Bailey.”

Silence stretches between us again.

But then he asks, “How did you survive it?”

I know immediately he isn’t talking about Sadie. He means rehab, hitting rock bottom and feeling like I was drowning.

I exhale slowly.