Page 17 of The Song We Lost

“Charity?” I repeat. “Luke, this isn’t charity. This is me asking my husband to stand beside me. Bewithme, instead of constantly pushing me away.”

“You want me opening for you,” he snaps. “Every night. Under your name. Your lights. Your crowd.”

“Why is that so bad?” I ask. “You headline your own tour someday? Great. I’ll be there too.”

He shakes his head. “You don’t get it.”

“Then explain it to me,” I say, my chest burning. “Because from where I’m standing, this fixes everything.”

He scoffs. “Fixes it for you.”

“For us,” I insist.

Noah stands, "Luke..."

But I hold my hand up as I step closer to Luke, my voice dropping, raw now. “We could be together. We could finish the tour. Maybe we’d finally have enough to go home.”

The words hang between us. The dream, spoken out loud. For a split second, I see it hit him... the orchard, the land, the promise we made under that ink-black sky, me and him forever.

A memory flashes through me.

Luke’s voice, younger, certain:Nothing will ever be more important than you. Not music. Not money. Not fame. It's me and you forever Sunshine.

The boy who said that feels very far away.

“I can’t,” he says finally. “I won’t.”

Something inside me fractures.

“Why can't you choose us?” I croak. “Why is the idea of touring with me so horrible to you?”

“I’m choosing myself,” he fires back.

“And what am I supposed to do?” I ask. “Keep waiting?”

He doesn’t answer, so I press on, “I’m offering you everything you say you’re working toward,” I whisper. “Time. Exposure. Stability. Us.”

He looks away.

“I don’t need you to save me,” he says.

I stare at him, heart breaking in slow motion.

“I never tried to,” I say. “I just wanted to love you, for you to love me enough not to break every promise you ever made me.”

The silence that follows is devastating.

“I’m not opening for you,” he says again, harder this time. “End of discussion.”

I nod because there’s nothing else to do. I can't look at Noah or any of the other band members. So I keep my eyes onthe floor and walk away without another word. The door closes behind me, and it takes everything in me to stay upright, to keep walking when it feels like my heart is in shreds on the floor of my green room with the boy who promised me forever but lied.

I flinch when I hear the first crash, when I hear the first shout. I keep walking until I am in my waiting car with Rachel at my side, telling her she can let the label pick an opening act.

My phone won't stop buzzing, but I can’t look at it. Rachel takes it from my trembling hand and silences it, promising to let me know if anything requires my attention.

I close my eyes, suddenly feeling exhausted and hoping my dreams bring me back to a time when I believed Luke and I could withstand anything.

chapter 7