Page 158 of The Song We Lost

I felt his eyes on me for a bit, when I looked at him, he looked like he was considering something weighing his options. He nodded seemingly to himself and then sighed. “I was going to wait on this for your next family visit, but I think giving you time to absorb the information and work through it before your family comes would be best for you. They gave me permission to disclose this information to you.”

What? My heart started racing… no idea what he was going to tell me. What my family was keeping from me.

“Luke, there is no easy way to say it. Sadie is sick.”

I blinked at him, trying to understand what he was saying. I remembered someone saying something about Sadie being nauseous… and then I saw her… She was… “Is she sick because she is pregnant?” I asked.

He gave me a tight smile before answering, “That may have been part of it during the early stages, but now…”

What is so bad that he was struggling with how to tell me?

“Sadie has cancer, Luke. A late stage type of cancer that she will not recover from.”

His kind brown eyes studied my face, waiting for my reaction. But it was like my brain was having a hard time understanding the words he just said. Sadie has cancer… a cancer that she will not recover….NO…

“No… no. She…”

My dads earlier words about Bailey having too much on her plate… too much to deal with.No.

“I don’t… that can’t be right. Sadiecan'tdie.”

My breathing had picked up and I felt hot all of a sudden.

“It’s ok Luke, breathe through it. But don’t shut down what you are feeling. I need you to hear me and understand what I am saying and then we can work through it together… ok?”

I nodded, my throat clogged with emotion. I knew what he was going to say and all I could think of was, who helped Bailey work through it when she found out… Who was there for her?

“Sadie is dying, Luke. They are planning a c-section delivery to minimize the stress on her body and then she will start her palliative care treatment. She….”

I didn’t hear what else he said.Sadie was dying. Sadie was dying and on top of everything else Bailey had to take care of because of my choices… she was now dealing with this.

I stood abruptly from my chair, panic sneaking up.

“What do you need Luke?”

I laughed at that, pacing in front of the window. “What do I need? I need to not be the selfish asshole who ruined his marriage. I need to get home to my wife. I need to get better so I can go home and see…” A sob burst free from me, visions of Bailey and Sadie growing up with me.

“Luke…”

I grasped at my chest, falling to my knees, “Oh god… it hurts.”

Dr Stevens was there beside me on the ground, “I know it hurts, but you can’t ignore this pain. You have to feel it. If you want to get better and be there for Bailey... Spend time with Sadie. You need to work through this… you cannot shut down or try to numb it. Breathe through it Luke.”

And so I let myself feel everything, I let the grief and anger, the shame, the love, the loss… all of it. It fucking hurt. But he was right, I couldn't numb this. I couldn’t expect someone else to fix this for me. I had to feel it. I had to figure out how to heal. I had to learn from this so I wouldn’t end up back here again and I needed to get back home.

chapter 39

bailey

. . .

The early morning light had just started to dance through the windows. Winter up here usually meant you woke up in the dark and waited for the sun to play catch up.

I was walking down the hallway of Sadie’s and Cole’s. We had decided that it would be best for me to settle here with Sadie being sick, to help her… and then to help Cole with the baby…after. The house was quiet, I was sure I had heard Cole up earlier, but as I walked down the hallway I heard Sadie's voice calling me.

I pushed the door to her room open, she was barely visible in a pile of blankets and pillows. She poked her sleepy face out of the pile and smiled at me patting the space beside her. Without hesitation I walked into her room and crawled into the space beside her. She covered me with the mountain of blankets and then arranged the pillows so we were both in the centre of the bed, face to face.

The light was starting to warm behind her, creating a sort of halo blurred effect. I had to close my eyes to control the tears that were always ready to fall at any moment.