Page 156 of The Song We Lost

Shit, was I hyperventilating?

Her doctor took a few more steps my way, a kind, but worried look on his face. “Just take a deep breath Miss Brooks.”

He stood patiently while I got myself under control, then he sighed and looked at his watch. Taking another step forward into the light with me. “I don’t know what you think I can help with, She has been…” I cut him off feeling the panic surge again, “I know and that is why I needed to talk to you. She is giving up. She needs help. She isn’t doing well and it’s like I am watching her fade away day by day and … I need to do something. I can’t… what if you took something from me… what if I gave something… I… I don't even know if that makes sense.. But I can’t…. God I can’t breathe.”

He took the final steps to me and as I knelt over sucking in air, he calmly rubbed my back letting the panic settle. His voice was soft when he spoke, “I know this is hard for you. Often at this stage it is harder on the loved ones to accept then the patient. But this is what Sadie wants and to reassure you … there is nothing you could do to change the outcome. There is nothing you can do… but be with her. Help her get to a safe and healthy delivery of her baby and then we will work with the palliative team assigned to your sister to make her final months as comfortable as possible, give her as much time with her baby as we can.”

I understood what he was saying, but it felt unreal. Like my brain couldn't accept the reality, the truth in his words. A timer went off on his phone and he stepped back checking his watch again. I scanned him, noting he was in a tuxedo and not his usual scrubs.

“Oh I am so sorry, are you supposed to be somewhere?”

He smiled at me, saying, “My wife's Christmas party…” he looked torn for a moment, looking back at me, “But I can call her, tell her I will be late. We can go to my office...”

“No… please..” I interrupted him, “Please don’t miss time with your wife for me. Go, I promise I will be ok.”

For a minute it didn’t look like he believed me, the poor man looked so torn. So I gave my best practiced smile and reassured him. “Please I would feel horrible if you missed plans with her. Please go, have a wonderful night.”

He looked like he was going to argue but a smooth voice broke through the silence, “It’s ok I can stay with her.”

Sadie’s doctor stepped back and a man dressed in scrubs and a wool coat came into view. “I am sorry I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. But I stopped, thinking I would let the conversation play out and then…” He looked a little sheepish, and not all that much older than me. With dark brown hair and eyes that matched.

“Miss Brooks, I don't want to leave you if you are uncomfortable.” Sadie’s doctor chimed in.

The young doctor stepped forward offering his hand, “My name is Chase Morgan.”

I tried to give my best smile back, offering my mitted hand, “I’m Bailey.”

With a little coaxing Sadie’s doctor left to go meet his wife for her Christmas party and I stayed talking to a stranger in a parking lot, spilling all my secrets that I don’t think I had ever said out loud. The snow fell around us, as we leaned against the truck, he listened more than he spoke but then as the time passed it felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. I felt a little lighter, a little clearer and ready to go back to the compound and be whatever Sadie needed me to be.

chapter 38

luke

. . .

Detoxing is hard, it makes you crave anything that will make the pain go away. But that is just a trick to keep you in the loop of addiction. Your mind is telling you that the pain can go away if you just have one more… But the worst part of being here and being clear headed is that the veil has lifted and with it everything that I have done is right there in front of me in technicolor.

I had to come to terms with the fact that I had started to push Bailey away long before I had an addiction, that I started to drink and then use pills to numb the truth, to avoid the pain I had caused.

Part of my therapy is to understand where the addiction came from to avoid spiralling and following the same path again. That meant digging into when it all started, what the triggers were. And it all led back to Bailey, back to when she signed the contract that I practically forced her to sign and then everything unravelled from there.

It hurt to dig into, hurt even more to try and wrap my mind around why I did the things I did. I knew that if I missed Sadie’s wedding that would be it, that Bailey would not forgive that like she did everything else. But I did it anyway. I listened to people who didn’t matter, people who only wanted to use me.

A particularly difficult conversation with my rehab assigned therapist has been replaying in my mind since. One that peeled back the layers and made me feel it all.

I was sitting in one of the rooms designated for individual therapy sessions, a room intentionally designed to be clean, calm and minimalistic. The walls were a soft cream colour, the furniture a neutral blue. A window faced the mountains to give the illusion of space... It should feel peaceful.

“Do you think your addiction is about the alcohol, the drugs?” he asked.

“Yes…No… I don’t know… this feels like a trick question.” I sat in an oversized arm chair, my leg crossed over, my ankle resting on my knee. I picked at the hem of my jeans, avoiding looking up. The shame I had been carrying was heavy.

Dr Stevens chuckled, “This isn’t a trick Luke, no wrong answers. I am only trying to gauge how you interpret your addiction.”

I blew out a breath, still focused on the frayed edges, “I think the drinks, the pills were tools. They were ways I could use to forget, to numb myself, to avoid my reality.”

He nodded, “And why did you want to avoid your reality.”

“Because it is shitty.” I huffed out.