Page 147 of The Song We Lost

Rachel stepped ahead of me, walking straight to Sadie. “How were the gardens, I hear they are stunning year round.”

I pulled myself together and moved past them and next to Cole.

“They were ok. But this place is so much nicer and I missed being in our little group.”

I looked up at Cole, knowing that wasn’t the full truth. He just shook his head,no.I took a deep breath and looked back at my sister.

“I think a nap is in order for this little nugget,” she said as she rubbed her growing belly, “And then I think we should eat and plan the next leg of this tour.”

Rachel laughed, leading her back towards the little cottage we had rented while Cole and I remained frozen in place. We stood staring at the goats, the sun bright and hot for November, for minutes that felt like hours before he spoke. “She told me the baby was making her tired, but I know… she was dizzy and nauseous. So I grabbed some of her favourite crackers and soda water from the gas station and we came back.”

I didn’t respond and he didn’t add anymore. We stood side by side, knowing that it would only get worse, but that we needed to do this for her. We needed to give her every second of life and joy we could and then we needed to do the same for their little girl.

chapter 34

bailey

. . .

Speechless is probably the best way I could describe myself in this moment.

We made it to the beach Sadie wanted to see, this incredible stretch of land where all you could see was sand and water. It was like nothing else existed beyond you in that moment.

Without hesitation Sadie stripped off her shoes and socks, hopping sideways a little lop sided until Cole jumped in to steady her, then stripped off her pants so that she was in her shirt and wrapped sweater and not much else.

She didn’t ask if anyone was coming with her, didn’t hesitate. Sadie walked right in without an inch of fear, without a reaction to the temperature of the November ocean water. She just surrendered to the moment, to the experience.

I stood breathless, speechless watching her… until she turned, the sun casting a glow around her silhouette and smiled. I couldn't have stopped myself if I tried. Without thought I mirrored Sadie's movements, stripping down to my underwear and T-shirt, not caring who was around to see me for the first time in my entire life.

Sadie's smile, somehow, grew even bigger when she saw me running towards her. I sucked in a breath when my feet met the freezing water, but I didn’t stop.

I couldn't control much, but I could control myself. I could choose what I gave my time and energy to.

So I didn't figuratively dive into this experience with Sadie, Idove. I dove head first into the incoming wake allowing the water to swallow me, allowing myself a frozen moment in that wake to feeleverything. Then when I surfaced and came face to face with my sister.

Face to face with every choice that stood before me… I chose her.

I smiled and gave my best Sadie squeal before letting my body fall back into the water. When I resurfaced she was right there pulling me up with such a look of peace and joy about her that it hurt. But as she pulled me into her arms, the only arms I could ever truly trust, the waves came tumbling down around us, but we stood firm, Sadie wrapping her soggy sweater around me, pulling me close, while we looked out into the vast expanse of ocean. Cheek to cheek, nothing else existed at that moment but me and her.

Cole and Rachel didn’t let us stay in the water long, pulling us out and wrapping us up in blankets until we got dry. Sadie and I rode in the back together leaving Tofino, wrapped in a quilt she found from a local artist, watching the sun play through the massive trees and just quietly enjoying being with each other.

I thought about that day and that whole experience our entire trip back. When we stopped to walk the Cathedral Trail and got to stand in the presence of giant ancient trees. Or when we found an incredibly blue pool of water off of a truck stop and all of us made our way down the narrow path to take in the view nature was giving us. We stopped for ice cream and the woman behind the counter had pointed us to a trail across the highway with a small hand made sign saying “this way to the hole in the wall”.

All these experiences were amazing and breathtaking all on their own, but I couldn’t help watching Sadie and replaying Rachel’s words and then our time in the water.

Sadie’s nausea didn’t get better, if anything it got worse after we got off the ferry. The doctor had prescribed medicine for her to take but she said it made her too sleepy to pay attention, too tired to take in everything she wanted to experience. So the trip back took longer than the trip out, but no one said a thing.

At one point, while I was driving to give Cole a break, the song that Rhett had written for me came on the radio and Sadie cranked up the volume singing like it was her favorite song. She rolled down the windows even though it was too cold for it and let her hand play in the wind as she sang. We all joined in, and it felt like one of the moments you will never forget… It wasn’t what people were saying on the radio, it wasn’t a song I had recorded with an absolute legend… It was watching Sadie sing a song with so much joy, so much energy, rolling down the windows and letting it all go. Like that one moment freed her of so much more than we would ever know. So again I dove. I let the feel of the frigid wind whip at my face while I sang a song written for me to help me heal my broken heart.

I let every moment, every word sink in as I sang along with Sadie to one of my songs.

“You say I look a little different

Like the storm rolled through my hair

Like I traded quiet heartbreak

For a little I don’t-care