The panic, worry, love don’t vanish. It…what had been sharp and clawing moments ago, dulls.
My emotions become something trapped behind glass. I can still feel them—sort of—and I stillknowthey’re there. They no longer tear through me, though.
My breath hitches as the shift continues. It’s not a snap or a severing, but a dampening. Like someone had taken a torch lamp I depend on and turned it down to its weakest flicker. I still feel for them, but it’s…faint, quiet. It’s simple when it should be consuming.
This is almost worse.
Feeling too much or too little. Both options right now hurt.
Unlike when I unknowingly put up a barrier between my emotions and Mellcom, this time, my soul flips its shit. It doesn’t like this wall whatsoever. It doesn’t care a thing that I included Derivius in the separation as well.
My mind, on the other hand, appreciates the reprieve.
You can work with this discomfort.
So now that you can breathe, really think this through.
Minutes pass as I sit in complete stillness and silence. Without them taking up so much space in my heart and mind, it clicks quicker than I expected.
My eyes fly open as I call my power forward and starshoot the Angle Aura Amethysts that Amick set around my bedroom to me. I did take Willow’s instructions about them to heart and have been carrying a piece around with me in my pocket, but I’m pretty sure I need more than a single stone right now.
Five little clusters appear in my palms and my head tilts back as I gaze at the stars.
Just be honest.
“Messenger…I know every time I talk to you, I have quite the attitude. I’m here to tell you, well, that isn’t going to change. I’m angry. Rightfully so, if you ask me. But I will try to tell you the truth without calling you an asshole.”
I chuckle at myself as my thumb runs across the sharp-pointed sphere of one of the stones.
“I’m never going to put the Valories first. I want to be grateful. I am to an extent. Without them, there’d be no realm, no breath in my lungs, no sky full of clouds or stars, but that gratefulness curdles the more the truth comes out. The way they’re going about things isn’t out of love or true desire for the realm to be right.
“They can’t deny that. Especially now that I know they themselves are losing power because the Beginning Gods aren’tpraying to them. They’ve been stripped of power just like the rest of us. I’m sure they’re still powerful beyond my understanding, but they’ve obviously been affected enough it drove them to start making decisions to change things.”
I squeeze my eyes shut as my fingers curl around the Amethyst.
“How can I put them first and love them more than my men and my friends, who are more like family? Love doesn’t rip parents away from their child because they decided to throw a Binding into a sea in order to protect her. Love doesn’t silence, withhold, or decide that suffering is an acceptable cost so long as the end result aligns with some distant, perfect vision.
“The Valories didn’t just let it happen. Theyensuredit. It isn’t just me who’s had to face things like this. It seems everyone they use has to suffer in some form or fashion. I have a feeling they believe what they’re doing is right. They made seven Beginning Gods, one each, in their likeness. Pair that with V’s statement and it makes the most sense. But it isn’t right.
“Go back to the beginning of this shitshow. Why weren’t the Beginning Gods allowed to love one another? Why was that even a rule? I can understand the not-making-babies part. They can grow up to be intimidatingly powerful people, but still, falling in love was wrong? Are the Valories incapable of the emotion? Do they not understand it and that’s why they forbid it?”
My head tilts to the side as I contemplate that. My thoughts focus on Lambrit, then Amick. The two smartest beings I’ve ever met in my life. It took them time to actually understand what love is. They had always shown it in their own way, but even then, they didn’t know exactly what it was until it was pointed out to them.
“Maybe that is it. Maybe they don’t know.”
I shake myself out and clear my throat, then focus back on the stars.
“Anyways, that’s what I’m feeling and what I wanted to let you know. Although they should already freaking know it, you can let the Valories know we’re going to right the wrongs. But we’re doing it our way. First step is I’ve got to get my men back. I have a plan, well, I’m forming a plan, so if you’d, you know, like to give me a little sign I’m heading in the right direction, that’d be great.”
I rock back and forth on my heels, tumbling the Angel Aura Amethyst in my palms as I wait. For a sign, a message, the wind to fucking blow, I don’t know. Something.
After a long stretch of nothing, I blow out my breath.
“Figured as—”
My gasp rips from my chest as the sight of the temple morphs into flashes of images.
The Athenaeum.
