Ugh. It’s so much easier cussing or flipping out than being emotionally honest.
As if this isn’t hard enough, my body stages a mutiny. My hands tremble, and heat crawls up my neck. It isn’t my familiar fury building, though. It’s pure nerves.
Breathe, Thayla.
You’re being honest with your…boyfriends.
Your four boyfriends, by the way.
I straighten my shoulders, hoping it steadies my voice.
“Creed, I tried twice to help you cook and like you just used as an example, you moved away from me like my touch would burn you. There was one time I even picked up the spatula to stir the food, and you took it out my hand wordlessly. You haven’t told me good night since we’ve been home. You go to your room and don’t come back out.”
I hold my breath to watch his reaction. Him cracking his neck and looking at the ground wasn’t what I expected.
“Amick, you’ve been simply nonexistent. Night one, you pretty much kicked me out of your room, then the next day, I sat beside you on the couch while you were reading and the second I started talking, you got up and walked away. You’ve never made me feel so dismissed or like my talking bothered you so bad.”
The wrinkles in his forehead deepen as he either thinks back to that moment, if he can recall it, or he’s processing how that upset me. I let him stew as I move my gaze to Riven.
“You barely looked at or spoke to me for three days. Then I just find you in my bathtub relaxing.”
His lips turn down into a frown.
“Then I tried to get you to leave.”
I nod.
“I was just trying to run away from my thoughts.”
“I know. But I wanted to run too. With you. Any of you.”
My eyes tear from his and land on Kyzen.
Valories, I don’t want to say anything to him. He’s riddled with guilt.
“Every day you’ve been bouncing around, trying to do things for your brothers. I figured out day two, that’s what you do to cope. You overcompensate by doing as much for them as you can to distract your mind, but once they go to bed or their room, you let yourself get lost in your thoughts. Once you got lost, you left me behind.”
I take a deep breath and stare down at my toes as they grip the floor for dear life. I’m going to pass out from the nerves that have my skin shaking.
Gods, this is fucking hard.
“I didn’t bring any of this up in the moment because I was afraid of how each of you would react. I didn’t know if me fussing about something as small as wanting one of you to come to bed with me would cause a massive fight or worse, one of you would reject me.
“I also didn’t want to do what I’m doing right now. I didn’t want to express how your actions were hurting my feelings. We all know opening up is hard for me, but I was also afraid that if I opened up and it led to one of you opening up, I wouldn’t know how to handle it.
“Each piece of your past you’ve given me was just that, your past. It was very easy for me to defend you and find something to say because you all were kids and had no choice in most matters. This is fresh, in the moment, and I’m not even sure how to process it.”
There’s a long, strenuous stretch of silence.
My heart is hammering so loud, I can barely hear myself think and my throat is tight enough to cause an ache.
“Look at me, Thayla.”
I blink and peer through my lashes as Amick runs the back of his fingers down my cheek until he reaches my ear. He tucks a loose strand away as he rubs my earlobe.
“I see the error of my ways now. I’ve been operating the last few days the same way I would if you weren’t here. We all have. What you witnessed from each of us is how we’ve handled any major setbacks since arriving. That was wrong of us. This isn’t like every other instance we’ve faced. One of us got taken and it could’ve easily been you.
“Logically, it made sense to me to go on about my days as I would any other time. I knew you were here, safe and in our home, so I classified you as fine. I neglected to even consider your emotional well-being. I’m so incredibly sorry. I’ll never let that happen again. Also, your voice is the most magical I’ve ever heard. Never believe I walked out of the room to get away from you. It was ridiculous of me to allow a text I’ve already read to distract me from anything you wanted to say to me.”
