“It’s the truth, Thayla. My birth is what happened. My father talks about it like it was the greatest day in the realm when it was nothing but horror.”
His face falls in disgust and I press his cheeks to make him look back at me. “What happened?”
He sighs, closing his eyes. When they open again, they’re charcoal gray.
Shattered.
“After we were born and placed in the Veil, we stayed in there the entire hour until he knew our powers would be settled. I was the last he pulled back out. The moment I took my first breath…people died. The entire healing staff, women, children, men, people who were just minding their own business. They found bodies up to a quarter mile away. Anyone who was weaker than me, I destroyed their souls. Gone. Dead in seconds.”
His voice is low, gravelly, as if each word is scraping its way out. My throat and nose burn with emotion, but I swallow it all and try to keep my soul locked down.
“Supposedly, I wouldn’t stop crying, and Riven’s power was the only thing that finally settled me down. That went on for days, months. It finally got to the point he decided Riven and I would be inseparable once I killed one of his mosttreasured Defenders. Regardless of that, he always praised me. Told me my death was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. I was born to destroy.
“As a child, I didn’t know any better. I’d kill someone randomly just to see him smile. I really thought I was a perfect child. I soaked up his praise, craved it. Every time he said he was proud of me for the life I’d taken, I’d beam. I was six when I realized how wrong I was. It took breaking Riven’s heart to realize it.”
He turns his head to the side, and his jaw muscles flex with how hard he grinds his teeth. His eyes grow distant as if he has to replay the memory first before he can speak it.
“He had taken a liking to this Spyvie that stayed wandering around our house. It wasn’t unheard of, but very rare for creatures to be in the Abandon, and in my father’s mind, that meant it was sent here by one of the other gods. He tried to kill it, but Riven begged him not to, said that he’d do it. He didn’t. I caught him playing with it the next day and without a second thought, I killed it.
“Riven fell apart. Screaming, crying, and cuddling it to him. I didn’t understand. I didn’t know why he was acting like that. Then, for the first time ever, his chaos broke free. It was never needed because his harmony was too focused on keeping me from getting mad and killing people. That day, though, I hurt him so bad his harmony gave way. He rained chaos around us while beating the hell out of me.
“I lay there, unable to get myself up, and the reality that taking a life hurts people, beat me even more. I’d never seen someone react other than happy when I took a life. When our father found us, he flipped his shit over the condition I was in. Not a piece of him cared about Riven. It was right then I realized what he was shaping me into. A weapon. Something evil. My realization was too late. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror when he told me to go clean up. It didn’t matter to me that my soul wasn’t a darker shade like some I had destroyed. To me, it was already black as night.
“So now, no matter what I do—good, bad, or somewhere in between—I can’t shake it. Everything feels tainted and the black spot I do have on my soul now reminds me that it is. My power craves to destroy, devour, because in the end, I’ll always be what I was born as. Death.”
For a long moment, the only sound is the heavy breaths falling from his chest and the hum of our souls in my ear. He turns his glare to me, but I don’t flinch. Don’t recoil. I just watch him, my expression steady, unwavering in the resolve I’m not going to let him find what he’s looking for.
“I don’t know how many times I have to say this. Hopefully, only once more, but you were a child,” I say quietly, gripping his jaw as he tries to turn from me again. “A newborn with no control. That wasn’t evil. That wasn’t you choosing to hurt anyone. That was power that came too soon, before you could even lift your head and guidance from a vile fucking man.”
His gaze flickers—white to gray—searching, doubting, but still not finding.
“You’ve spent your whole life believing you’re only what your father wanted you to be. But I don’t see that. Tell me something good you’ve done. Something he wouldn’t have praised. Something that matters to you.”
He opens his mouth, then closes it again.
“Tell me,” I demand.
“I rescue babies from the Abandon, bring them here for Ellian to put in the Gods Veil to strip their power, then Annalise adopts them. I go over the barrier whenever I can when I hear a soul cry out for help. I either bring them back to be stripped and healed or I take their souls and ask the Valories to forgive them when I release them.”
My breath hitches and my eyes widen. That is not at all what I was expecting him to say.
Babies…he saves children from the fate he and his brothers faced.
“R-Rowden?”
He nods. “One of my hardest ones to bring back because he didn’t have his powers stripped over in the Abandon. He was three. His parents tried to hide him, but he’s got a domain under Chaos, and the kid is a natural prankster. His parents tried to kill him when he got them in trouble. I showed up, killed them, and took him. I couldn’t starshoot, though, because he had power and he escaped me twice.”
Oh gods. That poor, sweet, adorable little mischief maker. No wonder he listens to Riven.
“See. You’ve made choices—hard ones—that saved a precious life and ended two cruel ones. And it’s not even always lives. The other week, you killed poison flowing through some Plentifuls.”
My voice softens, and I try to fight back the tears welling in my eyes.
“Even when you have to, Creed, death isn’t always bad. It’s release. It’s mercy. It’s balance. And yes, sometimes it’s tragedy. But it doesn’t make you evil just because it’s yours to carry or because your power may crave it. Remember what you told me? All that matters now is what we decide to do with it.”
He stares, I swear through my soul, long enough I can’t catch my breath.
The emotions that roll across his eyes are dizzying and I can’t keep up as they flow from realization to intense, overwhelming devotion.
