“That day Riven helped me starshoot. He…” I dare a look over at him. He’s staring at me wide-eyed, but I’m not going to telloursecret.
I know he felt the truth too.
“He touched seven spots across my body. When he told me to tell my power to go to those spots and spread, it did. It went to each spot equally. No single place had more or less than any other. When I appeared at the hot spring like he told me to, I just knew. I could feel it.”
“Why haven’t you wanted to acknowledge this or directly bring it up?”
I close my eyes as my first tear slips free.
“Because I didn’t want it to be true.”
“Why?”
Hot coffee sloshes over my hand, drawing a hiss from my lips. The porcelain doesn’t have time to smash into the floor as Kyzen slows down time, then plucks the mug out of the air. He collects all the floating liquid, then sets the mug down.
My eyes scan the room as the rest of our Valtrue sit nearly frozen in time. If I watch closely, I can catch minuscule movements.
“Are you okay?” His words barely rise above a breath.
“No.”
“No because of the coffee or because of what he’s asking you to admit?”
“What he’s asking me to admit.”
He blows out a breath and nods.
“I know it’s hard opening up, and I hate feeling like we’re forcing you to do that right now, but at the same time, I know how much it helps to. Obviously, this is different, but I’ve felt like a new man since the moment I told you what I did about my past.
“Being able to tell you all of that, and you turn around and not reject me or be disgusted by me was more freeing than I can explain. None of us are going to reject you, abandon you, or have any negative emotion toward you for whatever you want to say.
“If you want to let it all fall out, we’ll sit quietly and listen. If you want him to keep asking questions, and you answer as he goes, then that’s fine too. Please believe me, though, when I say nothing you say is going to upset us.”
A watery, tearful breath escapes me, and I turn to face him. He cups my cheek, gently wiping the water away, and I lean into his touch.
“Do you promise?”
“I promise.”
I nod. “Okay.”
His power gradually pulls away from me, and as it slides off his brothers, they all jump as though they were trying to catch my coffee. Their furious stares pivot toward him, but then back to me when I clear my voice.
“I wasn’t trying to hide this. I was torn. Part of me really did thinkhegave me extra power and that scared the hell out of me. Then when I thought harder about the other ways my power had come out, it didn’t make the most sense. I desperately wanted to cling onto the hope that I was wrong in both cases and that like most everything that surrounds me, my power was just weird. There’re multiple reasons why.
“Despite what I know now about my parents knowing about this, it still feels like a betrayal. Regardless of whatever they decided to do and listen to the Valories or whoever about, they did have a grand dislike for the gods. Anytime they spoke of them, it was poorly. I can’t help but worry, one day, if I ever see them again, they’re going to be disappointed that not only am I a god, I’m a powerful one, in a very powerful Valtrue.
“That’s another reason why. I can’t trust myself to be powerful. My fuze is shorter than my pinky nail, and as often as I believe some of these gods need a reality check, I’d never really want my anger to hurt someone who was undeserving of that. My thoughts can be quite disturbing sometimes and knowing I have the power to turn people to ash at my fingertips is a petrifying temptation.
“I fear the responsibility that comes along with having power. I, selfishly, don’t want to be in service to the realm forever. I don’t want to give back to the beings who took so much and landed us all in the situation we’re in now. I feel like acknowledging and harnessing my power is going to put me in the situation for the gods to use me more and I refuse it.
“In my mind, accepting and harnessing these powers means I’m grateful that the gods finally released them to me and that’s taurnshit. The beings of the realm should’ve had their Valories given power this entire time. They should’ve been mine all along. I should’ve had them every day in Oddian so I could’ve protected myself.
“I never should’ve been tied to that post, helpless. I shouldn’t have been beaten to within an inch of my life on countless occasions. I shouldn’t have had to pick myself up and act like it never happened because I was clinging to a dream that wasn’t even real. I should’ve seen that their love wasn’t love. It was control because they had the power to hold it over me. I never should’ve let that fucker touch me just so I could feel something other than pain. I should’ve had these fuckingpowers when I needed them, not when the gods decided they needed me to have them.”
A strangled gasp barrels up my throat, and I cover my mouth with my hands as I sob.
Embarrassment and revulsion war with relief and freedom in my body, and I can’t decide which side I want to lean into.
