Failing to know where to begin, Liam took a seat by the fire. He took a measured sip of his drink, staring into the flames as they licked up the sides of the hearth. The fire had a meditative quality, as if he were seeing the raging storm within him externalized.
“I hear that ye’re plannin’ on leavin’ again after the ceilidh,” Cillian said, his tone deceptively casual. “Is that true?”
“I’ve been thinkin’ that it would be pertinent to investigate the last sightin’ of the bandits,” Liam said, though the argument was weak. He’d wrestled with making the decision, oscillating between the knowledge that he might not find anything and the desire to get ahead of any attacks on his clan. “I daenae feel comfortable waitin’ for our allies to send word.”
“And I imagine that ye’ll want to leave immediately after the festivities,” Cillian said as he took the armchair opposite Liam.
“Well, it isnae as if I could leave right now,” Liam replied.
More than anything, he wished he didn’t have to go. It would be better for both him and Katherine. He’d let his walls fall too quickly, allowing himself to lose control. His actions weren’t fair to either of them.
“What is it that troubles ye?” Cillian asked, cutting right to the heart of the matter. “Is it Katherine?”
“What troubles me is the possibility of these bandits approachin’ our lands,” Liam snapped, but his tone was too defensive. Cillian saw right through him.
“What happened between ye and Katherine, then?” Cillian said. He fixed Liam with an unimpressed stare. “The two of ye seemed quite friendly at supper.”
“That’s me problem,” Liam said flatly, sipping at his whiskey. “I cannae get too friendly with her. I am nothin’ but trouble for the women I surround meself with.”
“Surely ye daenae believe thatyeare the reason for their misfortune,” Cillian countered, infuriatingly level-headed. “Just because bad luck befalls people ye ken doesnae mean thatyeare the reason.”
“I am the common denominator,” Liam said icily, staring at the amber liquid in the bottom of his glass.
“Have ye nae also fallen on bad luck?” Cillian asked, his chair creaking as he leaned forward. “I think everyone in the castle has had their own share of rotten luck. It is nae the fault of anyone. Sometimes that is simply how things turn out.”
“What about me first wife?” Liam asked, unable to bring himself to speak her name. “She died givin’ birth to Agnes. If it werenae for me touch, she would still be here today. Her death ismefault, and there’s nae other way to look at it.”
Cillian was silent for a long time. He was silent so long that Liam wondered if he hadn’t spoken at all. But then, his oldest friend let out a deep sigh.
“Ye genuinely think that ye are the reason?” he asked, his voice laced with something that wasn’t quite pity but close. “Was it nae enough that the healer told ye that she was always goin’ to pass away tryin’ to give birth? If it werenae ye, it would have been someone else. That doesnae make it any less tragic, but ye cannae let yerself think that yer very touch will be the death of those ye love.”
Love.
That was a word that Katherine had used, one that he’d rejected. Yet, Cillian said it so casually. He said it as if he truly believed that Liam was capable of it.
“The best thing I can do for Katherine,” Liam said slowly, his hand tightening around the crystal in his palm so tightly he was surprised it didn’t shatter, “is to keep from touchin’ her.Thatis somethin’ I can prevent. What I want daenae matter. It is her safety that does.”
“Is it the best for her?” Cillian asked, waiting until Liam met his gaze to continue. “Or is it what ye believe is best for ye?”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
“What did hemean?” Katherine demanded, her words echoing in her chambers.
She turned the corner of her room, following the edge of the space. Earlier, she’d thought that she was going to crawl out of her skin. Now, she was sure that if she stopped moving, that was exactly what she’d do.
Her fingers, desperate for something to do, plucked the ribbon from her hair. As she made her frantic rounds in her chambers, she released her braid. Then, after freeing her tresses from any tangles, she deftly plaited her hair.
“I thought he was a man,” she muttered furiously when she’d retied the ribbon, her heart aching but her body poised as if she were ready for a fight. “Men daenae just run away from women after they’ve kissed them! It isnae fair to me!”
She pressed the heels of her palms against her eyelids. At this point, she didn’t even need to see where she was going. She could walk the perimeter of this room with her eyes closed in complete darkness. It seemed she had started pacing during her free time, all because Liam constantly confused her.
I’m goin’ to end up walkin’ a hole in the stone.
It felt as if the moment they made any progress, when they could stay in the same room together or when she might actually be falling for him, he pulled away. The dichotomy was dizzying. One day he was finding every reason in the world to stay away from her, and the next he was waiting just outside her chambers and kissing her breathless.
“I should sleep,” she said though she made no attempts to approach her bed. Her entire being seemed vehemently against that idea. “The ceilidh is only a few days away. I have preparations that I must assist with. Agnes has lessons that I cannae be exhausted for.”
Even as she spoke each reason she shouldn’t continue her pacing aloud, none of them were compelling enough to get her to stop. The anger and confusion were running through her mind. Even if she were to lie down and close her eyes, she wouldn’t have a bit of quiet. She’d be up all night.
