No one says anything about where we're headed until Marcelus finally twists around from the front seat and grins at me.
"I'm throwing a party tonight," Marcelus smirks. "You guys good to stay for it?"
"Absolutely," Diego chimes in.
Leo laughs. "If his Ma doesn't kill him first."
Diego elbows him. "Ma's at work."
"Yeah, and?" Nico says, like that means nothing.
I should probably feel worried. Instead, all I feel is this strange mix of excitement and dread, like I'm standing on the edge of something I can't quite see yet. I've spent so long beingthe kid who stays home, who plays it safe, who doesn't get invited anywhere. Now I'm in a car full of guys who actually want me there.
It feels good.
We pull up to what I assume is Marcelus' house, the porch light already glowing against the dusk. Marcelus turns in his seat, pulls out a little bottle, and passes around a handful of pills. The tablets look weird in the dim light, smooth and chalky in his palm. Nobody asks what they are. We all take one in unison, like it's some kind of ritual, before climbing out of the car and heading inside.
CHAPTER 9
RAUL
…present day
Sitting in my cell, the letter feels heavier than it should. Olivia's letter. The one I've been staring at for so long that the paper almost feels like it's staring back. It still carries the faintest trace of her scent, and that alone has been enough to keep me from opening it.
Every time I reach for it, my chest locks up. Every time I get close, I tuck it away like I'm afraid the truth inside will cut me open for good. God, I'm pathetic. It's just a letter. Her words are already there, waiting for me. All I have to do is read them.
I finally peel it open, slow enough to feel every second of it.
Time goes still.
I take a breath and don't even realize I'm holding it until I'm halfway through the first line.
Raul,
Your dad told me where you were and how to reach you. I wish you'd felt comfortable enough to tell me whatwas happening. I wish I didn't have to find out this way. I wish things between us were okay. I wish we hadn't left that night the way we did. But I'm done wishing. I'm sorry, and I hope you can forgive me. I really meant it when I said I loved you.
Love, Olivia
I read the last line again and again until the words stop feeling like words and start feeling like a wound. My chest tightens so hard it's almost painful. She wrote me. She really wrote me. And somehow that hurts more than if she hadn't.
Because now I know I did this. I pushed her far enough away that she had to write me like I was already gone.
I don't deserve her love. I don't deserve the tenderness in her apology, or the fact that she still offered me forgiveness when I gave her nothing but damage. She should be with someone whole. Someone steady. Someone who doesn't leave wreckage in every room he walks into.
Olivia deserves the world. She deserved better than the chaos I brought into her life, better than the silence, better than being made to wonder what she meant to me while I was busy tearing everything apart.
I loved her enough to ruin her peace. That's what I keep coming back to. I loved her enough to know I had to let her go.
Because I hurt everyone I love. That's the truth I can't outrun. Diego. My dad. Aunt Val. Everyone who's ever tried to hold me up ends up carrying more than they should. I wasn't going to do that to Olivia. I couldn't be the weight she had to drag behind her.
Someone had to take the fall, and I made damn sure it was me.
The last time I saw her, I knew I had to push her away. I told myself it was mercy. I told myself I was saving her. But reading her letter makes it feel less like mercy and more like cowardice.
A throat clears beside me.
Carl.
