“Like what?” I say, trying to calm myself, trying to sound reassuring. But I know I’m doing a terrible job of it. All I can do is stand stiffly, looking down at her.
“Like I’m…ruined…”
The word is drowned under her crying, but I still hear it. It snaps me out of my fury, and I lean down, wrapping an arm around her.
“You’re not ruined, Lia.”
“I saw the way you looked when he was… describing the tape. I saw it. Like I was soiled… filthy. I disgusted you.”
She gulps out the words between fresh sobs, but they’ve already lost their violent quality. She’s back in my lap, her head against my chest, as I cradle her.
“Shhh. You don’t disgust me, baby. You could never disgust me. I was in pain, hearing him describe it. I didn’t want to hear it, that’s all, but I didn’t know he was describing your rape. I wish I had known, Lia. I wish you had… told me.”
I try hard to keep the accusing tone out of my voice, because it’s not fair to her. But I don’t know if I’m entirely successful.
“I didn’t want you to look at me differently,” she sniffs, wiping her tear-streaked face on my shirt.
“I wouldn’t have looked at you differently. Well, yes, maybe I would’ve looked at you with less anger. I would’ve taken better care of you. I wish I could’ve taken better care of you.”
“But you did. You tookverygood care of me.”
I allow myself a faint smile at how unconvinced and unconvincing she sounds.
“We have a whole lifetime ahead of us anyway,” she murmurs. “Right, Logan? You’ll take good care of me from now on. Let’s go look for Dolores and Aurora, and then we’ll all find another safe home to live in. And I’ll never buy you a present again. I promise. We have a lifetime of happiness ahead of us, don’t we?”
She glances up at me when I don’t answer right away, and she must see something in my expression because her own face turns fearful.
“Logan! Where’s Aurora? Did they get to her? Logan!”
I open my mouth to reassure her, but she continues, “Fuck! I’m a terrible mother! Fuck, fuck! I never even thought… oh, my god, what the hell is wrong with me? They’ve got Aurora, and I never thought of it, fuck! I let her get taken!”
“Shhh.”
She’s been trying to pull away, looking just as guilty and heartsick as I felt when I saw Coltello’s gun pointed at her. But I hold onto her, forcing her to stay in my arms. “It’s okay, baby. Everest has her, and she’s safe. It’s okay. I promise.”
She sags in my arms again, letting out a long shuddering breath. “How did he get here so quickly? Did Damien…”
I tense around her, and she looks up again, biting her lower lip nervously when she takes in my expression. “What is it, Logan?” She pauses, appearing to read my thoughts. “But maybe he didn’t know, Logan. Coltello was probably lying to get you on his side. Maybe he didn’t…”
He knew.
Didn’t he tell me about Coltello paying off those girls? Didn’t he hint at the fact that Lia had been raped, too? I don’t understand why he decided I should know the truth now, instead of when it first happened. Then again, I’ve never really understood him, have I? The only thing that matters is that Coltello is right.
Or rather,wasright, seeing as he’s currently breathing his last breath out on the front lawn.
“Why would you have shot Coltello, if you’re not on Damien’s… crew?” hesitates Lia, repeating the word Coltello used as I stroke her hair absentmindedly.
“I’mnoton Damien’s crew,” I tell her. “Nor on Coltello’s. Or Carmelo’s. Not onanyone’s. I’m on no one’s side but my own. And yours, and Aurora’s.” She smiles, snuggling closer to me, but pulls away abruptly when I add, “They don’t know it yet, but they’re dead.”
“Logan! You can’t mean… but Logan! He’s your best friend!”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Youlovehim, Logan, and he loves you. Please, even if you don’t want to be on his side, don’t…”
My heart grows soft as I look down at my girl defending the guy she’s always loathed, just because she knows how much I care about him. But it doesn’t matter. He kept the rape to himself, and I’m going to make him pay.
Even though making him pay will kill me.
