Chills run up my spine thinking of what creatures await in such a place filled with all that rage built up within them. How can one live like that? Even my old master, War, had to release his pent-up aggression if not for himself, for those around him.
Turning back to the display of bells, my focus drifts to the faded rug, which looks more inviting than the worn wooden flooring.
‘Knots? Do you hear me?’Rez calls out.
‘Yes,’I reply as I lay down on the rug, spreading my wings out.
‘We have six hours before the next trial. Are you sure you’re?—’
‘I’m fine,’I cut her off, not wanting to get into things with her again.‘Thanks for letting me know. Get your rest.’I cut our connection and let my mind start to drift once again.
This isn’t me. I’m ferocious but gentle, and I love with all my soul, so why do I find myself short and callous to those I love? I don’t like who I’m becoming.Is this what it’s like to become afallen? Is that what’s happening to me?I close my eyes and feel a tear slide down my cheek at my last thought.
I take a deep breath and try to allow my body to relax, but it’s futile. I try meditation exercises to relax for almost an hour, but nothing works. I know what I would have normally done when I found my soul restless in my first existence, but would God punish me for reaching out since I’ve been denied heaven?
Feeling hopeless and without other ideas, I go with my instincts, rising up onto my knees while wrapping my wings around me and bowing my head in prayer.
‘Father,’I sigh, letting my shoulders drop.‘I’m lost. I come to you for guidance about Nerezza. I’m torn, and I’m not sure what to do. Part of me feels as if I need to follow the path I was born to uphold since I took breath from my flame. Even though I’ve been tossed out of your realm, I’ve found purpose again while following War and his path to protect Purgatory.
‘Becoming a Door Knight has given me a direction once again where I felt whole and needed. But with the appearance of Nerezza, my entire world has been flipped around, and I find myself on the most wonderful yet frustrating path I've ever been on. Now I don’t know which way is up.
‘She’s come in and shattered every belief that I held within me. She’s helped give back my memories of my family, my previous life, and my way back to you, Father. Without her, I didn’t realize how truly empty I was. It was as if I were a blind man wandering the world, believing I was experiencing everything there was. Now, I’m given sight with perfect vision and seeing the world for what it really is.
‘How am I to give up one life’s purpose and the knowledge of everything I’ve known to follow my heart and be with the one that I love? Who am I without that purpose and label? Why give me such a strong pull to be this type of man, this… need inside of me, only to have me to fight against it to be with the woman that I want and need in my life? Haven’t I suffered enough, Father?’
I feel moisture build behind my eyes as I take in a deep breath.
‘Why are you doing this to me? I can’t lose Rez. She means everything to me, but I’m afraid it’s already too late.’
My body shudders at my confession and plea, and all energy seeps out of me as I lean forward and press my head against the faded rug. Lying on the floor, it occurs to me that there is one thing I haven’t done since I received my memories back, and guilt washes over me as my stomach churns.
‘Father, please forgive me for disobeying and for the sins I have carried out while I’ve been out of your service. I am yours to command if you wish.’
I feel a slight weight lift inside my chest and slowly raise my head off the rug before noticing a light behind my eyes. Opening them, I realize the clapper within the bell is glowing and giving off heat. I sit back on the floor as I get lost in its hypnotizing effect and feel the air around me get warmer as the light brightens. Quickly, it gets to the point of blinding, and I need to shut my eyes for fear of losing my sight. Heat seeps into me and loosens my muscles before power suddenly overwhelms my body, knocking me onto my back.
My muscles become liquid from the sheer magnitude of power that hits me. It’s as if a freight train slams into me and travels the length of my body. The power is one I’ve felt before but never thought I would ever feel again. It’s as if God is laying his hands on my decrepit old body for the first time in ages. Yes, my body is still fit and can function as if I were in my late twenties, but my soul is old. This is different. I haven’t praised or worshiped Him since I fell...or was pushed, in my case, from His grace.
Even without my memories, I’ve always focused on the one thing I’ve been good at—being a protector.Save and protect your wards.Even here, that’s all I’ve been able to do, and it’s been a Godsend, or so I thought.
The power continues to surge through my body as it presses and kneads every fiber of me. As it rolls over my muscles, I feel them relax and become lighter, and I finally realize it’s notjust searching but healing me. The anger and frustration that I’ve been feeling within myself is slowly lifting. I’ve been trying to keep the anger that’s been building within me hidden and locked away. But just as in life, secrets tend to show themselves in one way or another. The anger has been slowly growing and festering within me, eating away at my resolve like acid until I explode. My conversation with Rez at Lynx’s parents was a perfect example of that.
But lying here, I feel the pressure evaporate from my chest and within me as wetness drips down my cheeks. Finger-like touches find some areas where the muscles are tight, and they dig like needles, but I relax against their strength.
I’m being purified in a church, in Hell, of all places. I chuckle at the thought.I’m sure the furball would have something to say about this.
As the last of the finger-like pressure runs over my body, my muscles jump as they encounter some areas of soreness, but a cool, featherlight touch soon brushes the pain away. The light behind my closed eyes slowly dims and allows me to open my eyes, seeing the belfry once again. Realization washes over me. I no longer feel heavy with stress and doubt. I don’t even feel the pressure of needing to protect. Yes, I still want to, but I don’t feel the all-consuming need or thoughts that I’m only good for that one thing. Finally, I know. I can be with Rez and be friends with the guys, but I can still step up to protect them just like they can do the same for me.
I sit up and shake my head at how stupid I was acting, thinking I had to be only one thing. It’s crazy how this place was getting to me.
My first instinct is to run and find Rez and tell her what’s just happened. Hopefully, I can make her see that what I said was a mistake, and she will forgive me, but I also know that I hurt her deeply. And a simple apology isn’t going to do it. Not aftereverything she’s been through. I need to find a way to make this up to her, but first…I need to do something I haven’t done…in what might be forever.
I get up on my knees, fold my wings behind me, bow my head, and do something I haven’t done in ages: Repent.
CHAPTER 17
Sacrilegious Sacrifice
Rez
