Putting on my big girl panties, I lick my lips and try to start this off reasonably.
“Knots, you have to understand?—”
“NO!” He growls, spinning on me and grabbing the edge of the bench, barely leaving any room between our breaths. “You. Don’t. Understand. Rez.” His words almost cut through me as a flame ignites in his eyes. With his wings flared behind him, he almost looks like an avenging angel, and I’m his charge. He pushes off once again and goes back to pacing. If I didn’t know better, I would say he’s channeling the rage aspect of a shifter. “My job. My life. My sole existence is to be a protector, Rez,” he starts, and I bite my tongue so I don’t remind him that I was in his flashback. I saw his push out of heaven and know all of this already.
“Being a Guardian willalwaysbe a part of me,” he confesses, and I feel myself agreeing with him. “But it kills me that you don’t understand that. You won’t accept that part of me.”
Wait. What?
“No. That’s?—”
“Oh no,” he turns and snarls at me. “You don’t get to talk. You get to sit there like a good girl and listen.”
Why do those two words give me goosebumps? Now isnotthe time to realize I have a praise kink and get turned on.
“I’ve been a Door Knight for as long as I can remember. I’ve protected my wards ranging from practical jokes to attempted kidnappings over the years. I’ve been the silent sentry to the ear someone needed to vent to, but all that changed this year. It all started when I was assigned to JP and Moni at the last minute, and then you came along with that useless hairball and changed my life,” he explains, still pacing back and forth. “Even before you freed me from my door, you treated me more than a useless entity. You actually talked to me and treated me like the person I used to be.” He turns and finally looks at me.
“Do you know how rare that is? Most people, like Emer and—what do you call them…oh—those damn Harpies yell and demand things and go on their merry way. But not you. No, you, JP, and Moni asked, talked, and treated me like I was part of the family.” His voice cracks, but he quickly hides it as his jaw clenches once again.
The pregnant silence is almost suffocating me. I play with my bottom lip before opening my mouth until I catch Knots’ subtle shake of his head, indicating not to. So, I sit and wait in the uncomfortable stillness.
“It wasn’t until I was pulled to Hell that you changed and expected me to change with you. I’m telling you right now that’s not going to happen.” He arches an eyebrow, and I take that as my moment to finally say my part.
“Well, in any relationship, you have to give and take Knots, and your predicament has changed, so, therefore, we both have to,” I say, standing up.
“I didn’t ask to get pulled down here.” He throws his hands in my face and raises his voice in anger.
His words are a slap to the face as I sway slightly on my feet.
“But apparently the Fates had a different plan and put me on this fucking path.”
I pull away from him slightly to think clearly. When I first found out that he was experiencing negative reactions because I pulled him here, I was horrified that it was all my fault, that he secretly blamed me, but he assured me that wasn’t the case. But here now, I’m speechless.
No, I take that back, I’m fucking pissed. Why is everyone fucking lying to me? “So this is all my fault?” I choke out. I’m holding back tears, but I’m not sure if it’s from anger or sadness.
“I didn’t say that,” he raises his voice, his face becoming red.
I let out a nervous laugh. “You didn’t have to, Knots. The only fucking reason I’m all over your ass about taking it easy or resting is because Iknowit’s my fault. I feel like shit every time I see you struggle. I know I’ve hurt you when I selfishly pulled you here. Don’t you see that?”
We’re at the point that we’re yelling at each other, and I’m sure our voices are probably carrying back to the damn library and probably to the point Lynx’s parents can hear us, wherever they are.
“Why are you so fucking pigheaded that you can’t see I’m trying to protect you?” I grind my teeth and make fists, imagining punching him.
“Why can’t you see I don’t need your protection? It’s my job to protect you. That’s the only thing I’m good at. I just want to be your protector,” Knots proclaims.
My body physically jerks as if he just sucker-punched me, and my clenched muscles go limp.Just my protector? As in, he doesn’t want to be with me anymore?If a heart can die and shrivel up from heartbreak, this would be the time for it. I don’t want to force anyone to be with me. That’s not love, so if Knotswants me to stop and treat him like a protector…well then, who am I to deny him.
“You think that’s the only thing you’re good at? Well, I once thought you were good at being there as a friend and loving me. But if all you care about is being my protector, then so be it. From here on out, you can be our protector, and I’ll stop fighting you. But just know that everything I did for you, Knots, was out of love. Can you say the same?” I spit out as I walk past. I try to shoulder-check him, only to bounce off him with an oompf.
Fuck.
Tears quickly race down my cheek, but I roughly wipe them away as I walk back into the library room, where it’s deadly quiet.
“Well…” I say, making my way back to the sofa.
“Best soapy opera ever!” Moni says, lifting her hand up for a high five. “I could hear everything. No super hearing needed.”
“Not what I was going for, Moni, but glad I didn’t disappoint,” I say, not leaving her hanging but feeling conflicted about what just happened.
