But this is the wildcard race and he entered late.
I rush to the podium and climb up a few rungs on the side to watch.
“Oh!” Steven calls out the play by play, “Kayak is already snatched up, rowboat and paddle boat too! I see a few paddle boards left!”
“Aiden, don’t!” I try to yell over the commotion but he’s already running. Running fast, wow. I know he runs but apparently heruns. And if I know him, which I suppose I do, he’s made up his mind. He’s competing in this race.
“And with one last vessel left, a few racers are still in the…oh, ladies and gentlemen! Aiden Vanderwell has made a last minute entry and boy is he fast!” The crowd who can’t see starts to cheer like they’re listening to an Olympic race. “Congratulations Vandy, you got the last vessel, the mighty Swan! Everyone else, you are out!”
“What’s this?” I hear Aiden call back to us.
Steven puts the megaphone down and yells back, “That’s your vessel!”
Aiden frowns, panting, hands on hips, pissed and if I’m being honest, so,sohot. He asks us loudly, “Where are the other boats?”
My friend makes an obvious gesture out over the water and then says in the megaphone to the crowd, but really to Aiden, “That’s right everyone, the Wildcard race is all about choosing the vessel and finishing strong. Each vessel is…unique. Our paddle boat is missing some pedals, we’ve got a couple kayaks with leaks, a half-inflated dingy, you get the idea. It’s going to bewildout there! Now, take your marks again! Ready, racers…get set…and GO!”
The crowd erupts, calling out names and mostly laughing. Each “vessel” is barely moving. There’s a lot of splashing and grunting, more than one person is turning in circles.
“Oh, look out, Lewis Grandsby is taking an early lead on a paddle board with no paddle! He’s decided to go full boogie board and is making good time! Remember, everyone who makes it to the other side gets a derby medal. The most medals at the end of this weekend is our grand champion!”
At the mention of Lewis’s name, Aiden transforms. Into…a crazy person. The Swan is not a vessel, it’s a giant inflatable float. And all of us gasp when he jumps on it like a wild cowboy would mount a horse in a bad western! In his nice slacks!
Did he even take his shoes off? Does he have a paddle?
A laugh escapes me.
A laugh escapes out of everyone on shore because the swan did come with a paddle. A big ladle spoon. Which he is trying to use.
“Come on, bloody wanker!” I can hear him scolding the big plastic bird, even from here. I hear a whole slew of choice words as he finally ditches his makeshift paddle. He…he’s trying to paddle with his legs and move his upper body forward? I…I can’t.
Aiden Vanderwell is riding an inflatable swan like a mechanical bull.
And going absolutely nowhere.
Aiden yells out more of his favorite expletives and flips everyone the bird as he jumps all the way off the tube and into the water.
“Shit, that’s cold!” I hear before Steven starts narrating again.
“Oh we’ve got another swimmer! Looks like Vandy is going to boogie board the swan’s tail feathers all the way across!” The crowd cheers again, with many of us doubled over laughing. There’s a teen with a speaker somewhere and they just started upShake Ya Tailfeather.Aiden tries the new technique for a minute or so then decides to just swim, pushing the swan with one hand periodically with each stroke.
“Remember, this is a boat race not a swimming race, to get that medal you have to beonyour vessel when you reach the other side!” Steven says over the megaphone.
Aiden looks back with a glare that could probably kill one of the Aunts or any of the other frail elderly folks in town if it was directed at them. I would shudder in fear but I’m too busy laughing. Lewis is nearing the shore. The crowd cheers for him. Two more racers close in. More than one flail in circles in the center of the lake. Aiden zeroes in on Lewis, narrowing his eyes and muttering something as he picks up speed.
“Remember everyone, you have to beonyour dingy to get your medal!” Steven says again. “Oh! We have a winner! Braxton and his broken canoe! Second place is Lewis on the board, let’s see who else is getting a medal today!Ontheir vessel.”
Aiden glides near the far shore so he pauses to climb back up on the big float.
And he can’t.
His clothes are dragging, he’s too slippery and the swan is huge and high out of the water. He grips the neck, slips, disappears. Aiden’s head pops up, he curses at all of us, grabs the swan tail and watches the swan rocket across the water a few feet.
“Is someone taking video of this?” Steven yells down at me without the megaphone.
“I…hope….so” I say between laughing so hard I have to wipe my eyes.
Aiden, determined to get his medal, apparently, finds the little valve and lets out some air, I think. Either that or he’s trying to bite the swan’s neck, a sight that’s definitely going to go viral online later.
