“Depression. Bad dreams. Anger and bitterness.”
I reached out and touched his arm, and he shared a sad smile with me.
“I know what that’s like. I found myself trying to build relationships before I met Neal. I would meet a guy I really liked and hoped that I could have a friendship that was reminiscent of what I shared with you, Reigh. I soon learned you were irreplaceable. I missed you so much.
“You were always too busy to talk. Our phone calls, when we had them, would be you talking to someone else in the background or partying. I was always the one texting you first or initiating the phone calls. After a while, you stopped returning my calls, and I grew tired of chasing you.”
“Dove, I was only trying to protect you.”
“Protect me? From what?”
“My lifestyle, the judgment, the media constantly trying to comb through my life . . . me.”
“Were you ashamed of us, Reigh? Your past, I mean?”
He shook his head. “Not ashamed. Protective? Hell yeah. I didn’t need anyone knowing the truth about my mama. The people in my life couldn’t be trusted, but they were necessary for what I was trying to do. The more people I had in my past around me, the more the new folks would start piecing shit together. Mama didn’t need that type of scrutiny, and I didn’t want that for her. I didn’t give a shit about what they thought about me. For her—I would do it all again.”
“What about Paloma and Wryn? Were they not around you?”
“Nah. Not really. They knew their affiliation with me would bring that type of attention. We all sat down and had a talk about it. I didn’t hide the fact that I had siblings, but I didn’t draw attention to them by having them around. Times that we did spend together were usually at a cabin that Wryn owned up in the mountains of Montana. I had to live a clean lifestyle so they wouldn’t have a reason to poke around in my background.”
“Oh, wow. Were you lonely?”
“All the damn time.”
“Damn, Reigh. I wish that I could have been there for you, wish you would’ve allowed me to be.”
“I don’t regret it, Dove. I missed you like hell, girl, but it wasn’t a good time to have you around. I loved you too much to subject you to that. I was battling serious demons back then. I needed to be isolated from everyone I knew because it forced me to learn how to deal with my aggression, my anger, and my pain. I would’ve ruined you. It was a dark period in my life.”
“But why?”
“I don’t know. It was just difficult. All the attention was overwhelming. I wasn’t used to that shit, and in the beginning, I didn’t manage it properly. I didn’t trust anybody, and niggas were trying me everywhere I turned. They thought because I’m from Georgia, I was some dumb country nigga.”
“I could’ve helped you.”
He released a snort. “Maybe. Maybe not. I can’t count you out completely, though. You could shine in whatever crowd you were in, but you also wanted to shrink after your social battery was depleted. Has that changed?”
I laughed. “No. I still love gardening, dancing at home alone, reading, and cooking. That’s about it. I mean, I go out with the girls, and we have drinks or dinner, but I’m not in those streets like that. What about you?”
“It’s been different for me. I don’t enjoy being outside, but sometimes, it’s required. I have had to make appearances to promote my brand because it was what my sponsors required. Then there were the things that my girlfriend wanted me to attend. That was a point of contention. Most of the times, I didn’t attend events with her, but every now and then, she would win the argument, and I would escort her to something.”
“What did you do with all your free time, when you weren’t training or fighting?”
He chuckled. “You already know me.”
“You remained a recluse?”
“As much as my career would allow me to. I just wanted to be left alone.”
“You were always afraid of your emotions, of not being able to control them. Was that still the same reason?”
“Hell yeah. This dark side of me, the temper my mama say I inherited from my father, that shit could keep me in trouble. I don’t know, Dove. I’m not sure if I inherited it from him or not. Sometimes, I think it’s something she fabricated, and I wonder if it’s an extension of her mental health condition.”
“What do you mean?”
“I wonder if I have mental health issues too, underlying ones, not like the schizo. Maybe it’s the pain from my childhood. The hurt, the neglect, the shame, the abandonment—all the shit. That’s why I don’t do crowds. I’m afraid of losing my shit in front of them.
“All I’ve been doing is working to understand myself and the world I come from all these years. I sometimes thank God for my career. Without it, I know that I might be a complete recluse, antisocial, and psychotic. I don’t take rejection well because my mama rejected me, and the rejection that came as a child from the other foster parents and my peers.
