She passes over the thick book, grinning when I take it from her to look at what she’s added. I open it to the newest page, running my hand over the pictures and patterns she stuck to the paper, tracing the curves of the letters she has written on the blank spots.
Sidney’s Life Road Map.
Step one: Graduate high school and go to college.
Step Two: Meet the love of my life.
Beside them there are cutouts from magazines, a high school graduation cap along with pictures of couples and little heart stickers.
Step three: Get married and have babies.
She’s stuck pictures of pacifiers and baby cribs beside this one.
Step Four: Open Peace and Peonies.
“Just four steps?” I speak through the lump in my throat. I try to pretend that life won’t move on from this…us. But eventually, it will. Eventually she will meet someone and forget about me. We’ve never been anything more than friends, and any opportunity I may have had went out the window the day she declared me her best friend.
Every day I tell myself I’m okay with that, that she deserves more than anything I can give her, but it doesn’t make it sting any less. I just hope she doesn’t outgrow me; I’m not sure I could ever live without her.
I know it makes me selfish; I know she can do better, and yet letting her go isn’t an option. Not when she gives me a reason to breathe.
“Only need four,” she nods confidently. “What more could I want? Education first, of course. Settle down second. Open my business last. It’s the perfect formula.”
“What about traveling?” I ask.
“I can do that eventually,” she shrugs. “What do you think?”
I stare at the four steps she has written, memorizing the curves of her letters, the way she dots her i’s with little hearts.
“If this is what will make you happy,” I flip the page to see an entire board of ideas for her flower shop, color schemes and lighting, pretty floral designs scribbled on the edges of the page. “Then I say it’s perfect.”
She beams at me, “What about you, Noah?” She places her book back in her bag and looks at me expectantly, “What do you want to do?”
Swallowing thickly, I meet her coffee stare, “Survive.”
Just long enough to get the fuck away from my mom, get to college, and then I’ll figure it out from there. Most people don’t see a future for me, and I can’t even really say I blame them. Before Sid, I didn’t see a future for me either.
Her shoulders lower and her face softens before she walks on her knees to me, throwing her arms around my neck. I immediately wrap mine around her, letting her crawl into my lap so she can hold me in that way of hers. It’s like she’s the glue holding all the pieces together. I tuck my face into her neck and inhale her flowery scent, her silky hair tickling my face.
“You’re going to do more than just survive, Noah Calahan,” she whispers against me, the tips of her fingers threading into the shaggy hair at the back of my head. I really need her to cut my hair, but we’ve been so busy studying for finals, we keep forgetting. “You’re going to thrive, and you know what?”
“What’s that?” I pull back so I can look at her pretty face, counting the freckles on her nose and cheeks.
“I’m going to be right there,” she smiles, “cheering you on. I’m already so proud of you.”
“Always gonna be here for me, huh?” For a second, I let my gaze drop to her mouth, lips shiny with gloss.
“Always, Noah,” she breathes, a rasp in her voice.
My eyes bounce back to hers, and the air between us turns hot and tense. My breath stalls in my throat, heartthumping wildly in my chest. Her gaze drops to my mouth, and for a moment I think she may kiss me, may finally cross that invisible line drawn between us. Fuck do I want her to kiss me.
A sudden boom of thunder whips through the sky outside, shaking the trailer around us, and she leaps out of my lap, landing in a heap against the cushions. Her wide eyes hold mine for a moment longer before she clears her throat and drops my gaze.
I give myself a second to regret not just closing the gap and kissing her, but then push it away, knowing it could never happen.
Kissing Sidney would ruin what we have.
And I can’t lose the only person I have ever loved.
