I’m not sure I’d survive the guilt if I allowed it to progress into more.
Chapter Twenty
I can’t get the way she looked at me out of my head.
There was heat and longing and lust, but deeper than that, there was vulnerability. She was open, her eyes clear and damn, I want to cherish it.
With everything she has been through, Juni has every right to shut everyone away, but when we were close in the kitchen, when I was about to kiss her, consequences be damned, she looked ready and open. She wears her heart on her sleeve, shows the whole world every raw part of her, even though they don’t deserve it.
I want Juniper Scott.
I want everything that comes with her, too.
Scrubbing a hand down my face, I look to where she is mounted on the back of Loni, a smile stretching her mouth wide as she rides the mare around the exercise ring, her body at ease, natural on the back of a horse.
I am so fucked.
A whistle cuts through my thoughts, and I snap my eyes to my brother. “I know that look.” He says by way of greeting.
“The fuck are you talking about?” I grunt.
“When are you going to tell her?” He asks, coming to a stop at my side and mimics my position, leaning his forearms on the fence. I shouldn’t be watching her, not when I’m in training with Dottie, but the filly is doing better than I had expected, so an hour off won’t hurt her. Plus, she’s currently tearing up the pasture she’s in, winding up the horses in the neighboring field so she’ll hardly miss my company.
“Tell her what?” I snap at him, my patience on thin ice.
He gives me a look that only older siblings can perfect. Thedon’t fucking bullshit melook.
“Nothing to tell,” I continue. “She’s leaving eventually.”
“That whatshe tell you?” He asks.
“It’s why she’s working as hard as she is, here and at the bar.”
“Saving money,” he nods, “You ever stop to think that maybe she needs a reason to stay?”
I flick my eyes to him and shake my head, “You’re going soft.”
He barks out a laugh, “Women will do that.”
My lip curls. “Not quite the experience I had.”
With a wince, he turns his attention away from the blonde on the back of a horse and to me, “Is it so bad to move on?”
I breathe a sigh, “Some things you never get over, Roman. Juni isn’t sticking around, and maybe that’s for the best. I won’t be good for her, and that woman deserves more than that.”
Roman clucks his tongue, “Can’t say I agree with you, brother.”
“I don’t need you to agree with me.” I push away from the fence and head toward the stables where Mars is being groomed. “I’m stating facts.”
And I am right; Juniper does deserve more than what I can offer. Sure, she’s stirring up feelings I wasn’t sure I was capable of anymore, but that doesn’t mean I am whatsheneeds. I am far from it. I can want her, I can even act on that need, kiss her the way I want, touch her,feelher, but that doesn’t change who I am. I was burned and now I’m damaged. I couldn’t give her the love or life that sheneeds and will eventually crave. I am not capable of loving another woman, and when she eventually realizes that, she’ll leave me too.
I am not in the business of having my heart broken a second time. That shit hurts.
I throw all the pillows and blankets into the bed of the truck along with the cooler that includes snacks and drinks. We’ll be spending a couple of hours up in the clearing to watch the stars fall, and I know my kids. Twenty minutes in, they’ll be complaining they’re hungry.
I swear they’ll eat me out of house and home one day.
“Are we ready?” I call once I step back into the house, grabbing their summer coats from the hooks. The air is still warm, but further up the mountain a chill will set in, and I like to be prepared.
