A pang of guilt hits my heart. As much as we’ve both wanted a sixth, I’m starting to believe that’s not going to happen. Lucia might have been the last.
Guilt fills me because I can’t give my wife what she wants. We were so happy to be having another little girl. With everything else going on, she had been our hope, our bright spot. The silver lining in it all.
I held her in my arms and felt so much love for her. She was so tiny and precious. However, it ripped my heart out when she didn’t make it through the night.
My ears buzzed as they gave us the news. To this day, I can’t help but wonder if it was all because of me. Was losing our daughter my punishment for all the blood I have on my hands?
I thought after giving my wife some time to heal, I would be able to try again. I never thought there’d be anything I couldn’t or wouldn’t give this woman. However, in the last few months, each time her cycle comes, it’s like a glaring sign that I’m failing her.
With seven children in all, you wouldn’t think this would be a big deal to either of us. Yet I know my wife. I know the amazing mother she is. Tasha deserves all her heart’s desires.
Not just because I love making babies with her, but because she shines at caring for the children we share. I’ve watched her become a fierce protector of our brood.
“I love you,” I murmur, then lean over her to kiss her lips.
My mind goes to the one child who clings to Tasha the most. My son Sammy is as protective of Tasha as she is of him. Where has the time gone?
How can Sammy be turning eleven? I still remember the day he was born. If only I knew then how special my boy would be, I couldn’t be prouder of him.
I think Sammy has taught us all a lot about life. I know I cherish each moment more than I ever have. The gift Ellen left him with has left us all to marvel at my boy.
Shaking my head, I reach to pull the sheet over Tasha before I climb from the bed as Sammy’s words come back to me from earlier. He’d stopped in his tracks. From where he sat with his younger brothers, he looked me in the eyes with gray ones so much like mine.
His words come back to me now.She wrote a letter for this birthday. You will have to give it to me. There will be one for you this year too. Don’t ignore it. That may have been their final major challenge against you.
It is me they will challenge head-on next. Her words will free you for what’s to come, what the others have to do. Who I must become.
I rub my forehead as his words echo through my head. I’ve put this off long enough. Throwing my legs over the side of the bed, I then pad my naked body into the en suite.
I jump into the shower to wash away the hours of sex clinging to me. This is just another form of procrastination. Those letters are awaiting me, but I don’t know if I’m ready to tear open those wounds.
Instead, I lather soap over my body then shampoo into my hair, trying to get lost in the heat of the spray. I hiss a bit when the soap running down my back stings. A chuckle bubbles from my lips as I remember encouraging Tasha as she clawed at my back while I thrust my way into her tight pussy.
We both got a little carried away. Not to say I would change a thing about our lovemaking. We know just how to please one another.
For eight years, we’ve had time to learn each other. I know my wife better than she knows herself. My thoughts go to Ellen.
I once thought I knew her as my wife, but I had been wrong. We didn’t know each other at all. Not like I know Tasha.
I know Tasha’s soul. I’ve seen myself within her. I think that’s why I’m putting these letters off.
Something tells me Sammy will reflect more of me than his mother. I don’t know if I want that for him. I lift my face to the stream and sigh.
I can’t change what will be. I can only prepare myself for what’s to come. I’m learning to be grateful for this gift.
The Alliance has been built from knowing things ahead of time. If Ellen can help me prepare our son, who am I to ignore her words?
I nod at my thoughts and turn off the water. Stepping out of the shower, I wrap a towel around my waist and head for my walk-in closet, where the box of letters sits. I take a seat on the floor and place the box down before me.
Lifting the lid, sure enough, I find a letter marked for Sammy for his eleventh birthday and another marked for me. I pick up the two letters and note there’s another for Jessica marked for a month after Sammy’s birthday. Curious, I remove it from the box as well.
Leaving all the others untouched, I replace the lid. I had once thought of reading them all in one sitting, but they’re not all for me. After some thought, I realized it’s better to allow things to unfold in the time in which she saw them.
The one thing I have been sure of is that these events won’t change, not by any of our doing. We can only manage our roles in these foretold events.
I open the letter addressed to me and inhale deeply. Seeing Ellen’s handwriting reminds me that I once failed a wife to the greatest extent. Not because I didn’t love her but because we weren’t living our truths.
Ellen wouldn’t have survived who I’ve become. She would never have become who I needed in my corner. I chuckle to myself. She never would have become the leader Tasha is. I’m not going to fool myself into thinking she ever could have.
