Yesterday was the greatest day of my life, and nothing will ever change that. Please respect my wishes. I need some time to think without you beside me. I still want to be friends… friendly. I still want to know you’re okay.
I'm sorry.
XO,
-Blesk
This is what I wanted to say:Whether you understand this or not, whether it is right or wrong, falling in love with you while my brother is in a coma feels like a new hiding place. From one to another. I can’t be with you, be anything close to what you want. You remember Liz as a brave little girl. I remember her as weak. Worse than that, I know the kind of girl she turned out to be…
Ugh.
His words from yesterday sail back: ‘This conversation is not over.’ He will want to talk about my relationship with Erik, all while Erik is in a coma… My fingers tremble around the pen.
You feel safe enough to ask…
To have boundaries.
I drop the pen. Anyway, it's a good simple inky truth. It's so good I almost believe it is the entire truth myself by the time I've slid the note under his alarm clock.
After leaving the note, I exit Konnor's apartment building, rushing past Adolf on my way out the sliding doors.
Needing to talk to someone, I call Elise.
"Blesk, my sweet, sweet, crazy, Blesk, what's up?" she answers full of beans, and I love her for that.
"I've just pumped the brakes with Konnor. Sort of. Sort of ended things." Silence. Crickets. But I can imagine her face.
She sighs. "Are you being stupid?”
I hail a taxi on the other side of the street and hurry over to meet it. Putting my phone momentarily in my pocket, I speak through the driver's window, "St Bernard's Hospital, please." He nods and gestures to the backseat.
"BLESK! DO. NOT. GET. IN. THAT. TAXI!" I hear Elise's strangely articulate yell coming from my handset.
Putting the phone back to my ear, I prepare myself for her impending disapproval, and realise in this moment, I can tell Elise a lot more than Konnor. I don’t dread her look of disgust like I do his. "I need to check on him."
I hear a displeased huff escape from her. "Not without me. I'm walking out now. I have a class at ten and so do you, so we will be back by then. Why would you break things off with Konnor? He adores you!"
I slump in the seat. "He moves so fast. I get swept up. And I didn’t even call the hospital yesterday. I acted like a selfish teenage girl, rushing around with her boyfriend, while her brother is in hospital. Konnor… He doesn't adore me; he adores this ideal in his head. I am not her. I let… I'm damaged goods, and at least…” I want to say Erik knows exactly who I am but swallow the words.
"Woah. He did a number on your brain. Look, I know you feel like you don’t deserve him or something, but that’s just your trauma speaking. You think you’re to blame for something? Like something is your fault and you’re unworthy? He doesn’t feel that way. That isn’t what the rest of the world sees when they look at your situation.”
How do you know?
Which fault are we speaking about, I almost ask, because there are two I can think of. I genuinely don't know which one she means. Itismy fault. In both cases. Blesk should have stopped it, before it went so far, before it became a part of Erik and I…
And Liz could have said something to her teacher or not been so desperate for family that she kept her father’s secret.
“I treated him like a dog,” I whisper.
“What?”
“Never mind. He's too good for me.” It’s all I have. "I’m a complete mess. I swear, I'm protecting him. He will realise one day when it's too late that I'm a confused girl. I can date a normal boy, but not Konnor. I can’t be what he expects. There is only one person who understands this and that is…” Doubt catches in my throat. I sigh hard.
"Oh my God, if you say Erik, I swear I will tit punch you."
I chuckle, once. "Well, I won't say that name then. That sounds painful."
"How did he take it?” I hear her wince. “Oh God, I'm not even sure I want to know.”
