I wake up in bed with Konnor’s arm draped over my waist, his chest pressed against my back, and our legs tangled together. Everything I’ve tried to move on from has caught me.
Literally.
The room is dim. The curtains are pulled shut, and the only indication it’s day comes through the window in honks and horns from the city street below.
I squeeze my eyes together. I don’t want to accept it’s dawn. In the black of my vision, I see the harrowing look on Konnor’s face when he pulled Erik off me. I did nothing.
In both cases.
I didn’t stop Erik.
I didn’t stop Konnor.
Konnor beat Erik within an inch of his life, and I just stood there,motionless. Maybe… part of me was relieved. That same relief I didn’t understand in his bathroom.
My heart squeezes.
He is my… Erik. The one I call. The one who comes. The one I am constantly trying to figure out. Where he belongs… What part of my soul does he fit into.
Now, he’s hurt.
Erik is so good at placing things, just right, and I’ve never been able to place him. Not for a long time and maybe, maybe since the very firsttouch game, maybe since then he’s been a darkness I hide in and won’t look through.
I open my eyes.
A bittersweet feeling squeezes my heart as I blink at a framed photograph on Konnor’s bedside table. I think, it’s his high school graduation photo. I can tell from the tassel and gown. Alongside him stand two attractive girls and a smiling father and mother. He has siblings. A non-biological family, but it’s clear in their shared expressions that was never an issue. He was gorgeous—is gorgeous. I wonder how many girls have fallen madly in love with that smile.
My eyes sting. I would be crying right now if I had any tears left inside me. I let them all fall yesterday. Looking at him there, wearing that smile for the world and flashing those perfect green eyes, I can see he’s happy. At least in this photo.
Moved on.
No longer Kon.
But now, his breath is like silk on my neck, and when I shuffle my feet, his arm pulls me in closer to him in a way that suggests he’s not letting me go. I wish he were just Konnor Slater, but he’s not.
He’s the boy who I kept in a cage. He's the boy whose life I ruined, whose life I stole.
On the drive back yesterday, I fell asleep in the car, huddled against him. I didn’t intend to sleep, or even try, I simply closed my eyes and sobbed until there was no energy in me to even stay awake.
He was quiet.
Neither Jaxon nor Elise spoke about what happened at all. They will, I’m sure.Oh God, I need to speak to Elise. She must be so confused. Perhaps she hasn’t realised what a complete headcase her newbest friendis.
Erik knows.
He knows and he accepts me.
Fuck, I need to stop thinking about him. God, please, just take his name away for a while. I can’t stand it. I can’t think straight, or forwards, or right, or wrong.
This is why I don’t keep friends. When I get close to people, they see things I don’t want them to. See and judge. I know my dad and Erik hid me away, but I didn’t rebel. The truth lands like a writhing ball of fire in my belly. I wanted it. To be kept. To be… hid. I avoided socialising as much as possible because only Erik and Dad understood. It’s not something that can be easily explained. Erik…
Oh God.
My feelings for him have always been a messed-up ball of emotion that is both content within my big brother’s arms and ashamed of the things I let him do to me when our dad was asleep. I allowed it. Maybe, somehow, I even encouraged it. By relying on him. By needing him.
I wonder whether I’ve ever said no to him. I can't remember. Did I say no yesterday? Or did I simply let him again? How am I supposed to know?
“Blesk?” Konnor murmurs, his arm tightening around me. His breath is warm. I want to snuggle against him as if he isjustKonnor.
