CHAPTER FOUR
blesk
Walking beside Erik, my mind empties out completely. And it’s quite the contrast, given that only moments ago, with Konnor, my thoughts were so loud, so insistent, so alert. So full of enthusiasm. I didn’t know what to do or what to expect from one moment to the next, and it was… exciting. Like butterflies. Something wholesome and real.
“Erik,” I say softly, looking at him over my shoulder. His brows are furrowed, his expression hard.
My stomach clenches.
“Not now,” he says, nodding to a side path that cuts between buildings. “Just… walk with me, yeah?”
“That was…” I huff. “Unnecessary.”
And embarrassing.
“I was fucking worried,” he spits out, low and careful, but I still feel it in my chest, hearing his concern fracturing his voice. “It’s your first week here, Blesk. How am I supposed to feel when you disappear?”
“Um.” He is right.Oh my God,he’s right. I nod. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I should have at least told you.”
“That’s all I want, yeah?”
I nod again. “Yeah.”
That’s not unreasonable.
I wander beside him. My body knows the rhythm of being next to him; my feet know the steps, left then right, slowing when he slows.
We pass the grassy quadrangle where the orientation was held, but it’s nothing like the bustling hub it was then. It’s quite serene, and I can imagine sitting here under the stars. My mind goes to Konnor Slater, and a smile finds my lips. Green eyes—green is my favourite colour. Dimples—perfectly placed and wonderfully telling. That easy way he looks at me. And I hate what happened back there.
Konnor and Erik are supposed to be friends and yet, they clearly don’t share any mutual respect. Whether they even like each other at all remains to be seen.
And this 'Konnor character' described by Erik is not the same Konnor I walked with for over an hour. His Konnor likes trophies and using people. MyKonnor is sweet and funny and lets me breathe and make decisions, which is scary but…
I like it.
I keep strolling beside Erik, the wind moving my hair around my back. Feeling discomfort in my belly while I think about his friend as if Erik can reach inside and draw out my thoughts, I feel the need to add words to the space between us.
“I want to havefriends,” I say.
“Not him.”
“Why not him?”
“Not now, okay? I’m tired.”
Fine.I don't look at my brother, barely glancing at the path, barely noting the trees. With Konnor everything is so alive, but with Erik everything seems so still.
I know that Erik’s behaviour might have seemed… irrational to others who don’t understand, but he’s my big brother. That’s what they do. They protect their little sisters. I can’t blame him for that. I can’t be mad at the hand that keeps me safe when so many others have beaten me or pushed me away. Can I?
Can you, Blesk?
Konnor Slater…
Erik touches my shoulder, drawing my attention to him, steering me down another path. My feet follow mindlessly. I don't know where we're going and want to ask. The question is there, on my tongue. It just won’t… come out.
I’ve never visited him on campus. He’s been at university for six years, and I’venevervisited. I kind of just knew without being told that home is where he wants me. In our house. In our hallways. At our kitchen table and playing in our activity room. In my room that is next to his with a shared wall that we knock Morse code through.
The sound of a door buzzing breaks through the night air, and Erik is suddenly holding a door open.
