Hannah swallowed. ‘I never doubted that you cared about me – but there were so many things you could be, so many things you could do and places you could go. You were so ambitious, and I could see how easily I might feel lost and lonely, even if we stayed together. I was terrified I’d become some miserable drag, and hold you back until you ended up resenting me. I couldn’t let that happen.’
‘The thing is, I don’t think I reallyamall that ambitious,’ Jude said, shaking his head. ‘I enjoy working with numbers, and I’d like to do something good with the talent I have. That’s about it, to be honest. That day, at the airport .?.?. I realise now I hadn’t told you about the meeting with Larry because it felt all wrong from the moment I agreed to it. I didn’t want to do it. I hadn’t sought it, I wasn’t the one who set it up. But I felt like Ihadto do it, felt sick at the prospect of refusing, and I couldn’t make sense of why. You’d been so jittery in the run-up to the trip – it had taken me so long to persuade you into it at all .?.?. I didn’t dare bring it up with you. I left it too long, and then—’
‘That woman with the cute baby asked us how long we were going to Oz for, while we were waiting to check in our bags. And you’d managed not to tell me the truth, but couldn’t bring yourself to tell an outright lie,’ Hannah said. ‘I was stood there with my return flight already booked, and you hadn’t bought one, because you weren’t sure when you were coming back.Ifyou were coming back.’
‘Yes,’ Jude confirmed. ‘But I would never have stayed out there without you if we’d gone together. That wasn’t how I was thinking. I’d sort of told myself I could maybe talk you round, if the need arose – get you to extend your trip to six months, a year maybe, that you might even get useful experience out of it, if you found the right job while I worked for Larry. I was naive – desperate and panicking – but I didn’t set out to deceive you. I hope you can believe that.’
‘I can now,’ Hannah said. ‘I was just too angry to consider it at the time.’
‘What I said to you during our argument was unforgivable,’ Jude went on, forcing himself to gaze right into her eyes, though the guilt coursing through him was urging him to hide. ‘It was worthy of my mother, probably – which is no accolade at all, as I’ve recently realised. You being awarded your start-up loan was the most brilliant moment, and I knew how much it meant to you. To diminish that by suggesting you could turn it down and try again later, or’ – he found he couldn’t look at her as he said this, no matter how hard he tried – ‘to implyI’dfund you, like I was some Big I Am and you needed my help .?.?. God. It was terrible.Shameful. I was groping for anything that felt like a solution, because I could see you slipping away from me.’
‘I’m not going to lie,’ Hannah said, ‘that gutted me. Seemed to confirm all the worst, most patronising things I’d ever worried you might end up thinking about me. And you probably don’t remember, but I had my first wedding booking, too, for the month after we were supposed to get back. Nice couple, Anna and Jez – they got married at the Cider Mill just outside Buxton. There was no way I was going to let them down; they were the first people who ever put their faith in me.’
‘And there I was, showing no faith in you whatsoever. No respect for you, either, which is worse,’ Jude said. ‘You were right not to go with me that day; right to back yourself when it seemed like I wouldn’t. That’s who you are, and I loved you for it even then, probably. But it was easier – less painful – to tell myself there were other reasons why you didn’t come. That you’d been looking for a way out, that you were bored of me already, that I’d always cared about you more than you cared about me.’
‘That isn’t and wasnevertrue,’ Hannah told him. ‘But I’ve realised it’s hard for me to admit when I need people – when they matter to me so much that losing them could destroy me. I hid from you when I shouldn’t have. Let you think things between us were unequal when they weren’t. And there was something I didn’t tell you then, as well. I can see now it had some bearing on how badly I reacted to the news about the LogicLabs interview. How determined I was just to go, get out of there, without listening to everything you had to say.’
‘What was it?’ Jude asked, bewildered.
‘I was supposed to see my dad the day before we went down to Heathrow,’ Hannah told him. ‘I went to his flat where we’d arranged to meet and he wasn’t there. I’m sure he was nearby, but he was far too busy to come and meet me. I didn’t tell anyone – not even Ed – because I feltso fucking stupid. Sopatheticfor even trying to mend fences with him.’ Her voice was tight with tears as she continued: ‘It cracked something open inside me. Something that had healed a bit and was suddenly raw and angry again. It wasn’t your fault, but it made a difference that day, I think.’
‘Shit, Hannah, I’m sorry. Aside from Jane, who to be fair is worthtwoaverage mums, we didn’t win big in the parental lottery, did we?’
‘No,’ she said with a laugh. ‘Do I take it this means you and your mum are .?.?.?’
‘Not speaking. At all.’
‘She’s here today, though – has she honestly not—’
‘Not a single word,’ Jude confirmed. ‘I’m actually not convinced she’s spoken to Joe, either. She’s only here so there can be no report to the local bridge society, Rotary Club or WI that she wasn’t at her own son’s wedding.’
He’d felt rather sorry for her as she stood alone on the cobbles, clutching a flute of post-ceremony fizz. Lillian was beautifully turned out in a powder-blue skirt suit, but obviously uncomfortable among Joe and Ed’s assembled guests. He’d turned to her, ready to stand beside her in support – perhaps even to try and start fixing things. But before he could approach her, she’d shot him an icy look and turned away.
‘That’smad,’ Hannah said, shaking her head in amazement as he relayed this, ‘and you’ve done nothing to deserve it.’
‘I’m a huge disappointment, it turns out – but I’m OK with that.’
‘It’s still rough,’ Hannah argued. ‘I always hoped she’d .?.?. change. Improve. Be kinder to you.’
‘People have to want to change, Joe says. If she decides to try, I’ll hear her out. Until then, I need to focus on the mess in my own head.’
‘Not to mention your status as an unemployed bum,’ Hannah joked. ‘Assuming Marc hasn’t totally trashed my business, maybe I can find something part-time for you. Livi’s first in the queue for a job, of course, but we might have need of an underling from time to time.’
‘I’m thinking of investing in a start-up, actually,’ Jude said. ‘With an old friend. Here, in fact. Well – I’ll have some office days in Manchester, and I have no idea where I’ll live or anything yet, but .?.?. I have the beginnings of a plan.’
‘Really?’ Hannah gasped. ‘Here? Or at leastnearto here? Near to .?.?. me?’ Her eyes had gone glossy and she was biting that infernal bottom lip again.
‘Yes,’ he said, pulling it from between her teeth and resisting the urge to kiss her until he’d said everything he needed to say. ‘Here. And as near to you as possible. To go back to the beginning of this conversation – or the end, as you put it – I’m in love with you, too, Hannah. I never stopped being in love with you,’ he went on, ‘and I never will. I want us to be together, to build a life together, without reference to what anyone else thinks it should look like. So this plan I have – which is maybe the first one I’ve ever made for myself .?.?. I don’t want it to be just mine. I want it to be ours. Because I know if it works for us, it’ll work for me.’
‘I’m willing to get involved,’ Hannah quipped, tears spilling from her eyes as she smiled. ‘You know how great I am at planning things.’
‘I do,’ Jude said, unable to hold back a laugh. ‘But maybe let’s not start work until tomorrow, eh? There’s more than half a wedding left to enjoy, and I have it on good authority the food’s going to be incredible.’
‘Can I remind you some of us are on the clock, here?’ Hannah said tartly, standing up from the bench and brushing her skirt down. ‘I’m supposed to be finding family members and taking them off for magazine photos in the walled garden.’
‘I’m a family member. You found me, didn’t you? Will I do?’ He looked up at her with the complete adoration he’d always felt for her, hoping she saw it, willing her to trust it.
‘I reckon you will,’ she said, and leaned down to kiss him.
