‘I’ll just .?.?. go and get dressed,’ he said. Then, unable to stop himself, he added: ‘But uncover your eyes, for god’s sake. We both know the sight of my bare torso isn’t going to shock you.’
‘It might do,’ Hannah said, slowly lowering her arm. ‘For all I know, you’ve got a giant tattoo on it now. Something mathematical, maybe – a massive equation, right between your pecs.’
He shook with unexpected laughter. ‘Come on. You know I couldn’t take that sort of pain.’
‘That’s true.’ She was looking at him now, her hand by her side. Her cheeks were pink, expression a little guilty. Her gaze was focused firmly on his face.
‘Nothing new here, see?’ Jude said, waving a palm over his stomach, below which he was tightly fisting the bath towel. He wasn’t quite sure why he was pushing her to look; he was hardly an exhibitionist. But there was something in the awkwardness of the moment that he simply couldn’t tolerate. He’d never been closer to anyone than he’d once been to Hannah – and the idea that a brief, accidental sighting of his bare chest was now taboo seemed .?.?. unbearably sad.
Hannah hesitated, then glanced down. Bit her bottom lip.
This had always been a tell: a sign that she was nervous or excited, not fully in charge of her thoughts or emotions. Any outward show of vulnerability was rare, given Hannah’s trademark control and quick-wittedness. Jude liked that he knew all of this. That it was apparently still true.
Their gazes met, and for a second he thought he felt something eager and intense flash between them. A spark of some shared memory they both knew they couldn’t acknowledge.
‘Er. Ahem. Did you say something about clothes?’ she asked, a moment later, redirecting her eyes to stare at the hardwood floor.
‘I did. Yes.’
He abruptly left the room, only to hear her shout, ‘Do you want a cup of tea?’ after him.
This was one way to smooth over the weirdness, he supposed. ‘Yeah, thanks,’ he shouted back.
‘How d’you take it?’ she asked, still yelling from the other room.
After pulling on jeans and a plain navy t-shirt, he re-entered the kitchen. In the time he’d been away, Hannah had brushed her soaking hair and pulled it into a neat knot at the nape of her neck.
‘You know the answer to that,’ he said. ‘Nothing’s changed.’
After he’d said them, he realised his words were loaded with meaning he hadn’t intended. He reached for the mug she held out to him – which contained a strong-ish brew with a splash of milk and no sugar – and decided to change the subject.
‘Since when have you had a key to this place?’
‘Only this morning,’ she said, pulling out a stool from beneath the granite-topped kitchen island and perching on it. ‘And it’s not mine, it’s Mum’s. Ed just likes her to have a key to wherever he’s living – though god knows what the point is when the spare’s fifty miles away. It’d not be much use in an emergency, would it?’
Jude laughed. ‘It’s nice that he still relies on her, though. And you, I’m guessing?’
‘Oh yeah,’ Hannah said, smiling wryly and sipping her tea. ‘You don’t grow out of being the little brother – though maybe you know that. You don’t stop being the sensible older sister, either. Truthfully, I’m a bit worried about him at the minute.’
‘Worried about Ed? Why? He’s not having second thoughts, is he?’ Jude was gripped by a sudden panic that was mostly about how this might affect Joe, but also about what the cancellation of the wedding would mean for him. To his surprise, he discovered he wouldn’t feel relieved by the removal of his best man responsibilities, or the excuse to head back to Sydney without delay. Nor by the reprieve from spending time with Ed’s best woman. Jude realised he’d grown accustomed to the idea that there’d be reason for him and Hannah to keep crossing paths in the next few weeks; had begun to harbour hope that they could salvage a version of what they’d had, even if it was a pale imitation of something that had once been technicolour.
‘No, nothing like that,’ Hannah reassured him. ‘Ed’s mad about Joe, you know he is. It’s more the size and scale of this thing I’m concerned about. We’ve maxed out the guest list with influencers and media people – Renfrew have literally said they’ll be in breach of fire regulations if we add any more. And the meeting with Joe’s agent this morning was pretty serious, given it was billed as a “quick catch-up” on the “social and PR plan”.’ She made finger quotes around the words, but sounded stressed rather than sarcastic.
Jude frowned. ‘But Ed seems OK – he hasn’t said anything to indicate otherwise, has he? And surely all this exposure will be great for you. It’ll raise the profile of your business significantly, won’t it?’
‘It will,’ Hannah agreed, ‘but with all the online fuss Joe’s agent is planning, plus the magazine deal, I think Ed’s starting to feel more freaked out than he’s letting on. He’s not built for this level of attention. No judgement, but he’s never sought the spotlight in the way Joe does. I’ve decided that if I can doanythingto turn the dial down on all this public stuff, I will. I’mcertainly going to try and stop it from getting any bigger.’
‘Are you sure about that? Ed says he’s all right, and most of your competitors would kill for this kind of free advertising.’
Hannah drained her mug and put it down on the counter. She looked at him steadily. ‘I’m far more concerned about Ed’s happiness than I am about next year’s profits. And Eventurous is doing just fine. It’s grown every year since I set up.’ She looked proud of this, and he nodded his approval. She had every right to be.
‘I’m confident I’ll have loads more exciting opportunities – maybe even more celebrity wedding enquiries,’ Hannah continued, ‘but I’ll only ever have one twin brother. I want him to have a wedding he’llenjoy– that he’ll look back on with delight, not regret. You know, sometimes the win isn’t where you might think it is. Where other people tell you it is.’
Jude felt the pure, unadulteratedrightnessof what Hannah had just said. His body and brain seemed to light up with it – and with the familiar, fathomless affection that he’d had for her since the day they met. She was so much smarter than he was, in ways that really mattered. It baffled him that she’d never seen this herself; but it occurred to him that he, too, might be guilty of forgetting.
Another silence fell. Her words sat between them like a verdict. A judgement. She couldn’t possibly know how he’d spent his working week, or what Suni had proposed earlier today – but he knew what she’d say if she did.
Sometimes, the win isn’t where you might think it is.Where other people tell you it is. She could have been talking about today, or last month, or almost any time in the past ten years. All of a sudden, he felt almost ashamed of himself – weak, in comparison with Hannah and her clear-sighted resolve. How many of his adult decisions merelylookedlike decisions, he wondered? How many were thoughtless ‘choices’ he hadn’t consciously made, or steps he’d taken simply because they were next on the path he was already treading?
