‘But youdofancy him,’ Niamh crowed. ‘And frankly, after meeting him properly the other day, I can’t blame you. Thatvoice…’ she sighed. ‘It adds a whole new dimension to the loveliness. It’s so deep. So rich. He could make a killing narrating erotica on Audible.’
Rosie put her tea down on the countertop and buried her head in her hands. She knew it had been a mistake to introduce them at the deli the other night … Not least because he’d visibly steeled himself – swallowed the urge to shrink away and head home, instead sticking around to chat with her as they all shared an after-work drink.
Rosie’s stomach flipped at the memory of how warm and welcoming he’d been. He wasn’t naturally garrulous, but he’d clearly understood that Niamh was someone important – that it mattered to Rosie that they got along. This effortful friendliness had made Rosie feel like she mattered, too.
‘Come on!’ Niamh cried, prising Rosie’s fingers away from her face. ‘Why are you being so glum about this?’
‘Why areyoubeing so jolly about it?’ Rosie demanded, suddenly aware that her temper was starting to fray. ‘You were entirely against me having anything to do with him a few weeks ago. Now you’re all in favour of me swooning like a schoolgirl while we live under the same roof.’
‘All right, I’ll stop,’ Niamh said, her dark eyes wide with concern. ‘I was just messing. But, you know … it’s OK to feel attracted to someone else, if you do. You don’t need to feel bad about it – you’re not being unfaithful to anyone, which is probably more than we can say for James. And given that this living arrangement isn’t going to last very long, a fling might even be fun …?’
‘I thought you said you were going to stop,’ Rosie said, trying hard to smile and realising too late that she was grimacing.
‘Yes,’ Niamh said seriously, ‘I will.’ She mimed zipping her mouth shut, then immediately opened it again to slurp the last of her tea.
Rosie sighed and concentrated on her own drink, her insides writhing with discomfort. She felt rattled. Annoyed. With Niamh, but also with herself.
‘Rose …? What is it?’ Niamh asked, her tone gentle now.
‘It’s just … well. Even if Ididhave a thing for him – which I absolutelydon’t– what would be the point? It’s not as if someone that good-looking would ever be interested in me.’ To her dismay, Rosie felt tears beginning to pool in her eyes.
‘Oh love,’ Niamh said. ‘What are you talking about? You’re amazing. Beautiful. The best person I know.’
‘James literally dumped me for not being fit enough – in any sense of the word,’ Rosie said, trying to stem the urgent flow of liquid from her eyes. ‘He didn’t find me attractive anymore. Just … didn’t like me in the way you’re supposed to like someone you live with.Sleepwith.’
Niamh took a deep breath, then exhaled so forcefully that Rosie was almost surprised she wasn’t breathing fire. ‘I hate that man,’ she said, through gritted teeth. ‘But let’s get one thing straight: he didn’t leave because there is anything wrong withyou. He didn’t leave because he didn’t like you, or didn’t fancy you. He fucked off because, deep down, he doesn’t really like himself.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean that he was dissatisfied withhimself, not with you. He bought into all the gym and diet stuff because it promised a fix – and because it made him feel superior, which we both know he enjoys. Think about it: how many times over the years did he make you feel deficient because he had a degree and you didn’t? How much did he love it that he earned more money than you?’
Rosie sniffed. ‘He did run me down sometimes. He’d talk about wasted potential but then list all the reasons why there was no point in me ever trying to go back to uni.’
‘Lording it over you made him feel better,’ Niamh said. ‘I sometimes suspected it, but I never felt like I could say anything because you seemed so happy with him.’
‘I was,’ Rosie mumbled. ‘Or at least I thought I was. It all seemed normal to me.’
‘I’ve no doubt it did,’ Niamh said, her eyes communicating what she wouldn’t say out loud: that Rosie’s own family treated her in a similarly selfish, thoughtless fashion. ‘But listen to me,’ she went on. ‘There is no reason why that flatmate of yours wouldn’t find you irresistible. You areincredible. You’re allowed to want things, and you’re allowed to go after them. You don’t have to hide your light under a bushel because it makes other people more comfortable.’
Rosie took a deep breath and nodded. Not for the first time, she found herself thinking about Rhianne’s bone-deep self-assurance – a fundamental personality trait that came with a shiny, protective carapace she couldn’t help but envy. Now, though, she found herself wondering how hard won the other woman’s boundless self-confidence had been. Had Rhianne faced childhood teasing for being a redhead? For being bigger than other girls? Based on Rosie’s experience, she must have – yet she hadn’t let other people’s small-mindedness convince her to shrink herself.
Rhianne took up space, proudly and unapologetically. It hadn’t occurred to Rosie until now that this might take work – that it required a commitment to loving herself that, while it might occasionally bend, was never broken.
‘Do you know what I think you need?’ Niamh asked, handing Rosie a tissue and pulling a packet of dark-chocolate digestives out of a cupboard.
‘What?’ Rosie asked, wiping her eyes.
‘A biscuit, a shopping trip and a cocktail. Not necessarily in that order. I’m going to phone Brendan and tell him to gird his loins for a full afternoon of solo parenting. You and I are going out.’
‘We are?’
‘Yes. No arguments.’
‘I’m not sure I’m up for a makeover, if that’s what you’re planning,’ Rosie said weakly. She gestured at her jeans, trainers and tunic top. ‘We’re working with questionable raw material here – SheIsn’tAll That.’
‘This isn’t a makeover,’ Niamh said, ‘it’s an intervention. It’s about getting you to see yourself as worthy, not dressing you up for other people. But I can see I’m going to need reinforcements.’
She pulled her phone from the back pocket of her jeans, swiped the screen a few times and then put it to her ear.
