It was vaguely masochistic to go in there, she knew, but she couldn’t help herself. This felt important. Necessary, for some reason. She sought out the exact tree she’d sat against all those years ago, then sank down in front of it, dumped her stuff on the ground and turned to lean her back against its thick, rough trunk. She sat there for who knew how long, only registering that she’d begun to cry when she tasted tears on her lips.
‘Are you crying because you forgot to bring biscuits?’ said a voice.Sam’svoice. ‘I was hoping for a Hobnob,’ he muttered as he stepped closer.
Amy sniffed, not knowing whether to laugh or keep weeping. ‘No such luck, I’m afraid. Though as I recall, that night it was ginger nuts.’
‘I remember,’ he said, dropping down next to her just as he’d done when they were teenagers. ‘I remember everything.’
‘Sam,’ she said, burying her face in her hands, ashamed to even look at him. ‘I don’t know what to say. I had this idea that I’d find you and then, in the moment, I’d know how to tell you how sorry I am about EVERYTHING. But you’d disappeared, and I came here and somehow started crying and …nowyou turn up! Now, when I have a snotty nose and swollen eyes and mascara running down my face!’
‘So … DoIhave to say sorry? Are we arguing right now?’
‘No!’ Amy cried in alarm. ‘I just–argh. I wanted to do this properly, like in a book or a film. And it isn’t working.’
‘So do it your way, whatever “it” is,’ Sam said, daring to sound almost amused. He shifted slightly, and suddenly he was so close to her that their arms were touching. He felt warm. Solid. Safe.
‘I’ve been an idiot,’ Amy said, turning to face him. ‘I’ve assumed things, got everything wrong and messed it all up. I picked and chose which facts I looked at and whose opinions I listened to based on what Iwantedto conclude, which was that you were awful. And Ineededyou to be awful because …’
‘Because …?’
She sighed. ‘I needed you to be awful so I wouldn’t have to want you! Because it terrified me that you might not want me back … I’m not like you– I never was. I’m not confident or popular, or rich or cool. I might have made a career out of it, but I’m still the antisocial bookworm who hid out here to read when normal people our age went to parties.’
‘Might I remind you that I liked that girl, Amy,’ Sam said. ‘Really. Like, a lot. I thought she was brilliant– the best person I’d ever met. I thought it was wonderful that she wasn’t like me, or like anyone else, for that matter. I even liked how fuckingnutsshe drove me, arguing with me every day.’
‘Why did you come here tonight?’ Amy asked. ‘Anddon’ttell me it was so you could scav a biscuit.’
‘I hoped you’d be here. I’ve been holed up with Roger going over the numbers … He’s already got pound signs in his eyes after seeing how well we’ve done today, but I’m certain the houses that were at risk are safe. I understand from Meg that you … that you got a few things straight after our most recent argument. I saw Grace’s car was still parked on the field, and here you are.’
‘But you’ve been avoiding me all day,’ Amy said. ‘What’s changed since you spoke to your sister?’
‘I had to dance with you, didn’t I? It was … unbearable,’ he laughed.
‘Oh, thanks a lot!’
By way of apology, he threaded his fingers through hers. Her insides illuminated at his touch, everything in her lighting up in a rush that left her breathless.
‘What I mean,’ Sam went on, ‘is that it made me more desperate to kiss you than I’ve ever been in my whole life. Even more so than I was at eighteen. I couldn’t ignore it, no matter how angry I was with you. And I realised something else, too. When Hugh accused you of messing around with me, you didn’t correct him– you didn’t tell him there was nothing between us. That made me … hopeful.’
Amy nodded. ‘It was Tilly who let slip to Hugh that we were a thing,’ she explained.
Sam puffed out his cheeks and shook his head. ‘Ofcourseit was. I was stupid for telling her anything. She caught me in a weak moment and the whole story came spilling out. There’s a reason why she interviews people on TV, I suppose.’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ Amy told him. ‘I was just relieved to hear you weren’t back together.’
‘Me and Tilly?’ Sam asked, incredulous. ‘Rumours of our romance were greatly exaggerated last year, mainly by my mother. If you’d asked me whether I was seeing her, I’d have told you the truth.’
‘I know you would,’ Amy said, squeezing his hand. ‘But. In the spirit of being braver than I have historically managed, I’m going to tellyousome things. First– and this isn’t my story to share, but I think that at this point Hari would want me to– you don’t need to feel guilty for what happened between you and me back then. Hari was working through some stuff of his own … Figuring things out. But I’m pretty sure he was coming to understand that he was gay.’
Sam’s head snapped up, his eyes wide with shock. ‘What? Why wouldn’t he have told me that? He could have, ofcoursehe could have.’
‘I know. And I think he probably knew that, too. But I suspect that, a little bit like me, he thought it might be easier to start afresh and explore other parts of his identity at uni. He’d already dealt with so much, losing his dad …’
Sam put his head in his hands, clawing at his hair as if that might help him process what Amy had just told him.
‘I was so sure he was madly in love with you,’ he said, shaking his head in disbelief.
‘Nope,’ Amy told him. ‘We did love each other, but not in that way. Though I think it was helpful to him that people thought we were more than friends, and I generally didn’t mind.’
Sam was shaking his head, looking shell-shocked.
