The acoustics echoed around the concert hall and Clara noticed Tom’s arms covered in goosebumps at the high-pitched plucking of the violin as Vivaldi’sThe Four Seasonswas played. She had always loved this masterpiece before tonight, but sitting here with Tom in such close proximity made it even more special. She was fast becoming used to having Tom beside her and she realised how much she enjoyed having him in her life. Now that she’d grown so fond of him, she couldn’t imagine herself not being with him. She realised that sometimes you didn’t know what was missing from your life.
Despite the beguiling music, Tom’s mind started to drift again. He worried that with each date as they fell for each other further, he still had a secret that she should know about. He needed to tell Clara about his past. She deserved to know, but how could he tell her when every date was so perfect? He looked at Clara who seemed so content beside him. She caught him staring and gave him a smile. His heart melted. Why did she always look so innocent, so vulnerable? What would she think of him if she knew the truth? The whole truth, the one that even Pat didn’t know about? The familiar wave of shame flooded over him.
When the concert finished, Tom insisted on walking Clara home and they euphorically discussed how wonderful the evening had been. They agreed that the next time the violists were in town they would buy tickets immediately. Clara realised that Tom was already planning for the future and she was deliriously happy with that thought.
It felt as though they reached Clara’s far too soon and neither of them was ready for the evening to come to a close.
‘Would you like to come in for a cuppa?’ Clara asked, hoping Tom didn’t take it as a euphemism.
‘I’d love to.’
The pair stayed up talking until 1a.m. when they eventually fell asleep in each other’s arms on the sofa. Clara briefly woke up at 3a.m. but didn’t want to move in case she disturbed Tom. Instead, she moved her arm to a slightly more comfortable position before snuggling deeper into him. They stayed like that until 6a.m. when the sun started to peep through the curtains.
Clara was the perfect hostess, making Tom a morning coffee and some toast as she hummed the tunes from last night that were still stuck in her head. She felt as though she hadn’t a worry in the world, apart from how she would get Tom out of the house without Julie spotting him. It dawned on her that unless Julie had already gone to work at the library, she was bound to catch him walking out of her front door. Clara knew that people were talking about them but she didn’t want the confirmation of those rumours to come from Julie’s lips.
While Clara and Tom sat at the kitchen table enjoying an early breakfast, she brought up the fact that it might be time to break the news to everyone that they were now a couple.
‘I’d be very proud for you to let everyone know about us,’ said Tom, getting up from his chair to kiss the top of Clara’s head.
‘Right then. On the first of July at the tea, we’ll come out in the open. Let’s tell the whole congregation. Let our love be known by all.’
‘I look forward to sharing our news,’ said Tom as he gulped down his coffee. His emotions were conflicted. He would be overjoyed to show the world that he was with the wonderful, popular and amazing Clara, but he needed to speak to Pat and get more of his valuable advice. For Tom realised how much she was falling for him and he wasn’t sure he should allow her to.
In his heart he knew that she deserved so much better than him. He cared for her too much to do this to her. Now that they were about to come out into the open, he realised he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t tell her the truth about his past and spoil her opinion of him. He would have to do something drastic, but he didn’t know what.
ChapterFourteen
Pat walked into the café wearing a baseball cap and a T-shirt he had picked up at a Deep Purple concert many years ago. Tom remembered being at Knebworth that year. It felt ironic that they would have been there the same time in their youth, not realising that many years later their paths would cross. Tom waved over at Pat. If he wanted anyone to get him through this, it was Pat with his easy-going demeanour. Sometimes he felt as though he had been profiled by AA to fix him up with the most suitable mentor. Tom might have been an accountant, but it was only so that he could pay the bills. Being the lead singer of a band touring the world on a tour bus would have been his dream. When he was young, he would sometimes imagine he was on stage in front of a crowd at Donington. Those days were long gone though, and now all he dreamed about was obliterating the past.
‘Nice T-shirt, mate,’ said Tom.
‘What a concert that was, hey?’
‘Remember it like yesterday,’ said Tom, thinking how sometimes his fantastic memory was a blessing yet more recently it had been a curse.
‘Time goes too fast. Where did our lives go?’
Tom began discussing album covers and Pat detected that he was making small talk about anything and everything. He could tell there was something troubling him and was doing his best to skirt around the issue. Pat was becoming increasingly worried about him as no matter how hard he tried to support Tom, he knew that unless he began to recognise that he was a changed man and stopped considering himself as so flawed, he worried that at some point he might feel as though he didn’t have much to lose if he fell back off the wagon.
Today though, Pat listened to Tom as he eventually opened up and told him about a woman that he obviously cared for. He hoped that this might be what was needed to stop Tom from hating himself so much for what he had done.
‘Clara seems to really care about you, Tom. If she is so fond of you then can you see how you can be loved again?’
‘Yes, but she doesn’t know the real me. She only sees the veneer I show her. Our dates have been at museums, the theatre, walks – she hasn’t seen the true me. The one that fell out of a pub... And those awful things I did under the influence.’
‘But that’s all behind you. Why do you keep focusing on the past?’
‘I can’t help it. How can I truly forgive myself after what I did to Josh?’
‘As I always tell you, you must forgive yourself. You’re a changed man. Have you tried reaching out to Josh yet? Maybe it would help. Perhaps that would give you the peace and forgiveness you need.’ Tom had never opened up about what had actually happened with Josh. Pat only knew there had been a huge falling-out.
‘No. I can’t do that. Not after what happened between us. He’s made his feelings towards me quite clear. He’ll never speak to me again. He even took on his stepdad’s name when Diana married that man. He’s actually dropped my name! Can you believe that? Can you imagine being that ashamed of your dad?’
‘That’s harsh. I get it. Maybe now isn’t the right moment, but time is a great healer. One day, when you’re both ready, perhaps you can speak to each other again.’
‘I doubt that’s ever going to happen. I’ll never get to see him again. Even if he got married, or had a child, I’ll never get to be there. He’d never let me know. I’m sure he’d want me as far away as possible.’
Pat sighed. Despite being an experienced, trained counsellor, he could only do so much and try as he might by saying all the right words and giving Tom the appropriate help, he knew he couldn’t change someone when they didn’t want to change. The saying that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink it sprang to mind. There was only so much one could do. Tom was a lovely chap, but Pat despaired at how he couldn’t see past his difficulty with alcohol and the consequences that followed. Tom had seemed better after his CBT therapy a year earlier but now it was as though everything he had learned was diminishing. As much as Tom put on a brave face, Pat suspected trouble ahead. He had a bad feeling about it.
