‘Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Thiago, and I am your captain for the next two weeks aboard the beautifulEsmeralda.’ He waved up at the boat, gleaming in the sunshine, and everyone cheered. Leo was already filming on his phone, and I felt immediately on the back foot as I scrambled to do the same. The game had already started, and we weren’t even on the ship yet.
‘It is my humble pleasure to have you as my guests as we sail to the Azores, Madeira and on to Lisbon. Thank you for your patience as we all board the ship, we have one more hour until we set sail, so please be ready with your ticket information while my team help get you onto theEsmeraldaand show you to your cabins. Thank you andbon voyage!’ The crowd cheered as Thiago pressed a button and a confetti cannon exploded.
‘Right, you four – follow me,’ Brooke said, taking control. ‘Let’s check-in – we don’t need to queue.’ She marched us to the front of the line and flashed her ID badge.
‘Let the fun begin,’ Heidi murmured, as we ran after her.
‘VIPs coming through,’ she barked. ‘Brooke Harris from head office, plus agency guests.’
The check-in lady was dressed in lemon feathers and had the energy of Big Bird with her kind smile, and equally gentle demeanour.
‘Welcome, Brooke, it’s so lovely to have you on board with us,’ she said. ‘I’ll just get Mr and Mrs Binns here checked in, and I’ll be right with you.’
An anxious-looking lady in a pale blue dress peered out from behind Zach and her husband pulled her forward. ‘This way, my love. We were here first,’ he said, firmly, avoiding eye contact as his cheeks went red.
The lemon lady handed them each a plastic card attached to what looked like a real fish. ‘Here are your keys,’ she said, delighted with herself. ‘You are in our Sardine Suite, with a panoramic ocean view, a Jacuzzi, sauna and your own private butler.’Wow. If that was what the ordinary punters were getting, I couldn’t wait to see what they had in store for us VIPs. ‘Our concierge will show you through and we hope you have the most fabulous stay with us.’
Brooke gestured for us to follow as the pair stepped onto the ship. ‘No need to go into the full spiel – just tick us off your list and I’ll take them through.’
‘I’m afraid I can’t do that, Ms Harris,’ she said, gently asserting her authority. ‘We’ve had strict instructions from head office for you and your guests to get the fullEsmeraldaexperience where possible, so Arlo will escort you to your rooms.’
‘Fine, that’s fine,’ Brooke said, impatiently, rolling her eyes. Leo was now taking photos and Zach seemed to besurreptitiously recording the check-in process, while Heidi and I nosed in on the conversation. Gah! I’d missed it again. I was holding my handbag, a tote, my passport and my tickets so I’d have to scribble some notes down later. I couldn’t wait to chuck all my stuff on my emperor-sized bed and jump in the Jacuzzi. This competition was going to be mercenary, and I needed to be on my A-game.
Four
Arlo led the five of us up the ramp and onto the ship. The engine continued to pump out clouds of diesel, while the propellers lurched and churned below. I’d been on a fair few Excalibur cruise ships over the years, butEsmeraldawas something else. We walked through one of the lounges, which looked more like a floating palace than a boat, with its glossy white walls, lavender sofas and gold rugs. Huge straw lightshades swung from the ceiling and a flowery scent had been spritzed all around. I took a couple of snaps while the boat was empty, as we wouldn’t get this chance again. The breakfast room was particularly impressive, with its precisely laid tables, bright blue tablecloths and gleaming silverware. The chefs and serving staff were lined up in uniform, full of smiles and happy nods to greet us.
‘Good morning. Welcome!’
‘Ciao! Buongiorno.’
‘Hola!’
Leo gave one of the chefs a high five, then took a selfie with the whole line waving in the background. ‘Good to meet you guys. Pleasure to be here,’ he said.
‘The pleasure is all ours,’ a ginger tank of a man replied, his chef hat starched to attention. He could have been hiding a pint under there. Or a pineapple.
‘Great to see you again, Gus,’ Brooke called.
‘You too,’ he said with a wink.
‘We used to work together in Miami,’ she murmured as we continued down the corridor. ‘He can butter my biscuits anytime.’
‘You’ll get the full tour later today,’ Arlo said. I was mesmerised by his moustache moving around like a little caterpillar as he enunciated. An unusual choice for a bald man. We walked past one of the cabaret lounges and I couldn’t resist a quick nose in, even though the door was shut and covered with a curtain. I opened it just a fraction, while the others went on ahead, and it was like peeking into a different world. A stage with heavy crimson curtains either side dominated the space, with rows of velvet chairs laid out cinema-style for the audience. A half-dressed drag queen walked the floor, lip-syncing to ‘Pink Pony Club’ and stopped mid-strut when she spotted me.
‘Stop the music, Dahlia. Stop it… STOP!’ she barked, in a broad Lancashire accent, glaring at a curly-haired girl with a headset. ‘There’s an unexpected item in the bagging area.’
‘What? Where? Sorry, Barb, I thought that door was locked,’ she said rushing over. ‘It should be.’
‘Iknowit should be. Are yer lost, love?’ Barb bellowed across the dance floor. ‘Guests aren’t allowed in here, I’m afraid.’
‘I’m not a guest – I’m staff,’ I replied. ‘Sort of.’ Heidi appeared behind me, then Brooke pushed past us both and Barb looked about ready to explode.
‘How many of you are there?’ she said, adjusting her hair net. ‘Pardon me, ladies, but “sort of staff” aren’t welcome, either. This isn’t a Tupperware party.’
‘Calm it, lady,’ Curly said, with sass. ‘Brooke? Is that you?’
‘Dahlia! Sure as hell is, sweetie-pie.’ They screamed and ran to each other for a hug.
