‘Ahhh, yes,’ I said, sipping my wine. ‘I’m just having the BEST time. I’ve been on a lot of Excalibur Cruises, but this one really is exceptional.Esmeraldahas taken the brand to a whole new level. Don’t you think so, Heidi?’
‘Couldn’t agree more,’ she said, nodding vigorously.
‘Have you boys been away with Excalibur before?’ I asked, widening the circle to bring in Zach – and knowing full well they hadn’t.
‘Nope,’ Leo shot back confidently. ‘Which I’m really pleased about, because we’re the exact target audience Brooke and Greg want to attract – new-to-the-brand cruisers.’
‘Nothing beats fresh eyes for thinking up fresh ideas,’ Zach added, with a wicked smile.
‘And while we haven’t been on an Excalibur cruise, we’ve been on plenty of others: P&O, Fred Olsen, Virgin… so there’s a wealth of knowledge between us. First-hand experience of the competitor brands for the strategic mapping,’ Leo said, with a smug smile. ‘And it’s clear to see where Excalibur fits in the market.’
‘Interesting that you’ve never been on an Excalibur before, when you’re both such active cruisers,’ Heidi said with a fighty glint in her eye.
Zach held her gaze and shrugged. ‘I’d not heard much about them.’
Brooke shrieked with laughter. ‘Doesn’t say much for the PR then, does it?!’ Heidi turned beetroot, furious to have walked into Zach’s trap. ‘Just kidding – we’ve been badly let down by our media agency, so I’m switching them out as well. Who cares how good the messaging is if the punters don’t see it. Right?’
‘Right,’ I said, feeling sick at her slip of the tongue.As well?A blur of waiters placed our starters down and we waited for Thiago to begin, like the proverbial bride, then tucked in. Butterfly prawns with a lobster bisque sauce,sundried tomatoes, and onion croutons. Dahlia was right, the food was incredible – delicately flavoured seafood to rival the best restaurants in London.
The waiters reappeared to take our empty plates, leaving Heidi’s next caustic remark on the tip of her tongue. We had to be better than this. Brooke watched the ping-pong with a wicked smile, clearly enjoying the show, but putting her in the middle of a childish bitch-fest was not the way to win her heart. We needed to show her a good time while convincing her we were good people. Her wanting to work with us was almost as important as her buying into our ideas. Whatever they might be.
The waiters went from table to table presenting delighted guests with their main courses. More fish. Which was to be expected. They were probably reeling them in over the side of the ship day and night. There must have been five hundred people eating at once – maybe more – and the maths was mind-boggling. How was it possible to cook so much food to such a level of perfection? They must have a hundred ovens down there or fifty chefs, or both.
‘Thiago, who is in charge of the ship while you’re eating with us?’ I asked, keen to understand the magic behind the performance.
‘It’ll be on autopilot,’ Zach quipped.
Thiago smiled. ‘It’s a good question and as you are our special guests, I will tell you my secret. I am the face of the captain on the ship. I do the hosting and the speeches, the photos and announcements. I am here for reassurance and to manage the customer service side of being a captain, if you will. You are right to ask how I can possibly then steer the ship at the same time and the answer is, I don’t.There is a second captain, my brother, Matthias, who runs the wheelhouse, with the help of our second mate, Stefano, here.’ He slapped Stefano’s tattooed arm and he gave a gappy nod. He didn’t speak English – he was just here to tinkle his glass and eat.
‘Interesting. So you would be the captain for our photo shoot if we need one?’
Thiago flexed his muscles. ‘Anytime. Add model to my duties, no problem.’
‘Giving away your ideas, Kat?’ Leo said.
‘Help yourself,’ I replied with a saccharin smile. ‘If taking a photo of the captain is something you haven’t considered.’
‘It’s an old PR trick I learnt years ago,’ Heidi added, sardonically. ‘I think they call itshowing the product to the customer.’
Brooke squealed in delight. ‘They’ve got you there, Leo!’
I put a chunk of fish in my mouth. Yeah,Leo, I thought, spearing a potato with my fork. The food was unbelievable. Dover sole and roast potatoes with green beans – not so far away from the beige dinners of my childhood. Fish fingers with smiley faces and peas proudly served by Mum. Home-cooked microwaved dinners had been her specialty.
I had a roast potato stuffed in each cheek and was desperately trying to chew my way out of the situation when I felt a tickle in my throat. I swallowed and the tickle turned into a scratch.Oh no. No.A fishbone. I coughed discreetly to try and dislodge it, and took a mouthful of wine, but it was too late; it was already in my throat and stuck. I gulped down some water then spluttered as it met with a more assertive cough and Heidi flashed me an irritated look as I tried to clear my throat again. Leo lockedeyes with me across the table and offered a discreet thumbs up as I launched into a full coughing fit. I shook my head and he sent a glass of red flying as he ran around the table and dragged me out of my chair. Suddenly waiters were rushing at me from all sides, and I caught sight of my face turning puce in the mirror as someone slapped me hard on the back.
‘What’s happening?’ Heidi stood up, then froze. I tried to take a breath, but there was no air, and just as I started to really panic, Leo’s arms grabbed me around my ribs and Heimlich-manoeuvred me off the ground. On the third jump the tickle disappeared and a tiny bone shot out of my mouth as I bent over gasping, flooded with relief.
‘Thank you,’ I whispered as soon as I’d caught my breath, my heart thumping.Jesus Christ, this cruise was turning out to be a lot more stressful than I’d imagined and I couldn’t even retire to my cabin for a bath.
‘Are you OK there, doll?’ Brooke asked, concerned.
‘She’s fine,’ Heidi replied on my behalf. ‘Aren’t you, Kat?’
I nodded on auto-smile and sat back down. It felt like the whole room had stopped to watch and one by one they slowly turned back to their food. ‘Totally fine,’ I croaked. ‘Sorry, I had a frog in my throat.’
‘Which is now on the carpet.’ Zach sneered, pointing to a blob of green phlegm.
‘Oh.’ I grabbed my napkin and covered it up, mortified.
