It was like he’d read my mind from a few days ago, before all the dramatics had happened. But that bollocking had come from somewhere deep inside and proved how terrified I really was of losing someone again. It was too much of a risk.
He leant in and kissed me slowly on the cheek. ‘What do you say to us going on a proper date? There’s a hotshot restaurant in town I’ve been wanting to try, that gets rave reviews. We can compare notes versusLavedrine X?’
The palpitations started almost immediately. Drumming away in my chest. Was it fear or excitement? Either way, I felt panicked and anxious and nauseous all at once. He looked at me with his big, blue eyes and Isowanted to say yes, but the words just wouldn’t come.
‘You’re a lovely, lovely guy,’ I said, standing up. ‘And honestly, I really do like you a lot. In fact, there’s no good reason at all for me to say no.’
‘That sounds like a yes, but I suspect somehow it’s a no,’ he said.
I nodded, avoiding his eyes. ‘It is. I’m so sorry.’ I couldn’t do it. Tony would be back in LA in a few weeks, maybe even a few days, and I’d be back in London. I couldn’t bear the thought of us getting any closer and then losing him. Another man disappearing on me, never to be seen again. I couldn’t even imagine putting his name in my phone. My contact list was full of Tinder Stu and Hinge Jack and Do Not Answer. My blocked list on WhatsApp a little prison for all the men I’d been on dates with and didn’t want to hear from again. The idea of messaging Tony and then never hearing back was too humiliating to bear.
No. Better not to start anything. I was already outside my comfort zone for the first time in a long time. The only way to calm the situation down was to step away. Tony had the ability to send me into a total flap and I couldn’t imagine this flappy feeling ever,evergoing away.
Eighteen
Tuesday 27thAugust
There was a frisson of excitement asVigneto Almagnoprepared for their annual Vendemmia party. Four days to go and there was a never-ending stream of vans, as deliveries arrived, decorations went up, market stalls were erected, and people came and went – everybody playing their part to get the vineyard ready to celebrate. Strings of fairy lights were thrown from window to window, and the bulbs in the outdoor lamps had been switched from white to green, to dress the farmhouse appropriately.
The party would mark the official start of the grape harvest, where the farmers reaped the rewards of tending to their crops all year and welcomed in the wine. It was a rolling celebration across all the local vineyards, which attracted tourists from far and wide. Holly and I had offered to help Mia with the decorations, and I made my way outside after a very late breakfast to find the two of them already on the case, tying brightly coloured paper fans with string.
‘Ladies,’ I said, gliding in and sitting next to Holly. ‘I’m here to serve. Tell me what you need me to do.’
‘You’re not going to like me after this.’ Mia laughed. ‘We need to tie all of these fans, to all of this string.’ She pointed at two large bins of fans in pink, green, blue, and yellow, and a box of string, each spool the size of my head.
‘It’s going to take a while,’ Holly said, with a yawn.
‘It’ll be worth it, you’ll see. It’s going to look magical once all the fairy lights are up.’ Mia smiled. ‘Now, who would like a drink?’
‘Un espresso, e un vino bianco, grazie,’ I said, practising my Italian.
‘Bueno, Abi, you are coming along very well,’ she replied, with a nod.
‘A coffee AND a wine?’ Holly laughed. ‘Make your mind up.’
‘I need a quick caffeine kick and then a slow burn alcohol-in-the-sun kick.’
‘A balanced liquid diet.’ Holly smiled. ‘Green juice for me, please, Mia.’
‘Of course,’ Mia said, running off to the kitchen.
‘Green juice at wine o’clock? Are you coming down with something?’ I asked, concerned.
‘12.30 p.m. is hardly wine o’clock! I’m getting my vitamins in. You’ve got to look after your insides, Abs – isn’t that what you’re always telling me?’
It was. I could do with taking some of that advice myself. I hadn’t been for a run since I’d arrived, as the ground was uneven and the roads didn’t feel safe. I missed my morning leg stretch around Highbury Fields, the fresh morning air, the quiet. Actively avoiding Ned. It was far too hot to run out here, as well. Which sounded like an excuse, but I was sticking to it. Even now, we were sat under a large umbrella and I had a sweaty moustache.
Mia came back with the drinks, and we got cracking.
‘Are we all wearing dresses for the party? I asked, carefully tying a pink fan onto the string. ‘I can do both your make-up if you like?’
‘Ooo, yes please!’ Holly said. ‘I’ve missed you being on hand to beautify me. I just slap on a bit of mascara and lipstick these days and hope for the best. Abi is amazing, Mia; she can literally work miracles.’
‘I’ve never had my make-up done,’ Mia said, touching her cheek. ‘I don’t wear very much.’
‘I can see why – your skin is flawless. We can keep it light and natural,’ I said, already imagining a pale gold eyeshadow and a sliver of purple eyeliner. ‘Nothing dramatic.’
‘I’d love that, thank you, Abi,’ Mia said, with a shy smile.
