‘Let’s get you inside and into bed. You need to sleep,’ Mia said softly, helping him out of the car and handing him his crutches. He swung himself along the gravel, the puppies yapping at his feet, to welcome him home.
‘Can you grab Nero?’ Mia asked, as she scooped up the other two. I picked him up, and he wriggled hard against me, desperate to break free and get back to his master. Mia bundled Bianco and Toppa into the puppy crate and I added a disgruntled Nero. He surveyed his tiny prison with disdain, then lay down in a sulk.
‘Is Tony still in hospital…?’ I asked, tentatively, following Paolo up the stairs.
‘No, no, no.’ Paolo winced as he navigated the steps, Mia hovering by his side, ready to help.
‘It was only Paolo in hospital,’ Mia said.
‘Was Tony hurt as well, then?’ I tried again, feeling like they were dodging the question. I didn’t want to upset Mia or stress Paolo out. I just wanted to know what had happened. Where was Tony? Neither of them answered as Paolo heaved himself up the final step and into the house.
Why were they ignoring me? I was just about to ask again when my frustration was interrupted by the continuous bibbing of a horn. The puppies started barking again and Tony zoomed in on his dusty blue Vespa, visor up, a victorious smile on his face. Very much alive. I thought I was going to throw up, but I burst into tears instead, running over to him, not sure what to do. I was relieved, but unbearably angry at the same time.
‘How could you be so stupid?’ I shouted, trying to keep the tears under control. ‘What were you thinking, going all the way to Florence on this knackered old thing?’ Tony looked bewildered as all the tension and worry from the past few hours burst out of me.
‘It was fine, Abi, what do you mean?’ he said, jumping off the Vespa and unclipping his helmet.
‘I mean motorbikes are dangerous, Tony! I meanyougetting into an accident in this death trap! THAT’S what I mean.’
‘But I didn’t get into an accident,’ he said, taking both of my hands.
‘A car hit Paolo as he crossed the road,’ Mia said gently, interrupting my outburst. ‘He wasn’t on the Vespa.’
‘I was at the hotel when it happened,’ Tony added, calmly. ‘The driver has admitted all responsibility.’
‘What?’ I took a step back, stunned into silence. ‘Oh… I see.’ I couldn’t get my thoughts in order. ‘Right. Sorry. I just assumed…’ Oh God. My heart was racing, my breathing fraught. I couldn’t calm myself down.He wasn’t on the Vespa.
‘Are you OK, Abi?’ Tony asked, slowly. His brow wrinkled in concern as he walked me over to a chair. Nero started whining in his crate. ‘Sit down for a second.’
‘I thought something awful had happened,’ I eventually sniffed, as Mia and Paolo went inside and left us to it.
‘Well, it was pretty awful for Paolo. The car came out of nowhere by all accounts and drove straight into him. He’s broken his leg in three places and his arm in two.’
‘I was so scared…’ I sat staring into space, my breathing still shaky.
‘I’m really sorry, I should have thought to let you know. We didn’t mean to worry you.’ Tony looked at me tenderly. ‘I’m fine. Absolutely fine. See…?’ He held up his arms and looked at them, then opened them out to hug me, but I shook my head. I was too het up to back down.
‘You’re still an irresponsible idiot for driving all that way on a crappy old Vespa,’ I said, the anger welling back up inside me. I was so conflicted. Part relieved Tony was OK and part furious I’d been made to feel all these feelings when he’d been fine the whole time. I stood up abruptly, scraping my chair along the floor.
‘Abi, come on?’ Tony called after me, as I pushed past him and ran up to my room. I needed some space. To cry in private and think. I hadn’t realised the panic I’d felt when I got the call about Josh was still so close to the surface. Just waiting for the slightest trigger to set it off.
I took a couple of deep breaths – in for eight and out for eight. Thank God I hadn’t allowed myself to become invested in Tony – I could only imagine the state I’d be in if I had. My golden rule was there to protect me from this exact situation. From caring too much about something or someone outside of my control. Something or someone that could then completely break me.
Seventeen
Saturday 24thAugust
I had a word with myself. And Holly had a word with me too.
‘You can’t keep thinking the worst is going to happen, every time you start to care about someone,’ she said, pouring me out a glass of wine.
‘I don’t care about him; it’s not like that,’ I said, childishly.
‘Of course you do, and it’s good to care. You’re allowed to have feelings Abi! You’re thirty, not ninety. Josh wouldn’t want you living a life without love like this. In fact, he’d hate it.’
It hurt to hear his name. It had been nearly three thousand days. Waking up each morning and knowing I’d never see him again. But time was a funny thing. In some ways it felt like he’d been gone forever and in others like it had only just happened. The feelings could still be so raw.
‘I know,’ I said sadly. ‘I just feel guilty… and angry. We were supposed to love each other forever, you know?’
