He flipped me off. It pulled a laugh from me that rasped like sandpaper, but my chest felt wider than it had in days.
“Should you actually be here?”
Ah. Five minutes after I’d arrived for my shift, Tay had found me. I turned and aimed for a totally healthy, zero-lingering-cough-or-weakness smile. “I’m much better, honestly.”
“Right.” He squinted at me, openly skeptical. “This from the guy who kept telling me he’s fine. Thought we’d agreed to skip the bullshit?”
Shit, and now I’d pissed off my supervisor. I pressed my tongue against the back of my teeth, hesitating. The sky was only just shaking off first light, sunrise a half-hour away, and truth was that rolling out of bed earlier had felt damn near beyond me.
All right. Honesty edition.
“We did,” I told him. “And I’m…at maybe seventy percent. But Iambetter, I swear. And I already missed half the week—I can’t afford to miss even more.”
Tay shook his head, but he seemed more resigned than irritated. “You know, Dean always says there are two types of surgeons: those who think they’re God’s gift to the world, and those who think it’s only a matter of time until someone realizes they shouldn’t really be there. You, my friend, are category two.”
I—yeah. I ducked my head. “Well, can’t argue with truth, can you?”
“Shame too many still try.” His expression loosened slightly. “And look, same. You and I are rather alike in that way, okay? But maybe—just think about it. You’re not convinced you deserve to be here, to be doing what you’re doing. But somehow, you also believe you might be the only one competent enough tosuspect that you don’t belong. More competent than dozens of highly qualified people whosejobit is to assess whether you’ve got what it takes.”
“When you put it like that…” I lifted a shoulder. “Still, it’s a lot easier to rationalize than it is to actually feel it, right?”
“Right.” Tay watched me for a second, then smiled, a little sadly. “But the result can’t be that you almost collapse on the job until Jesse orders you home. You have to look out for yourself, too, okay? Because there won’t always be a Jesse around.”
Something about the way he said it made me swallow. I had two weeks left in my pediatric surgery rotation, then I’d move on to neurology. I might still pass Jesse in hallways or the cafeteria, but it would be a rare moment here and there, no longer something I could count on.
“I know,” I said softly, and maybe Tay heard something in my voice because he gave my shoulder a quick squeeze.
“Good. So we’ve got a deal—no more running yourself ragged?”
I nodded and half meant it. “Deal.”
“Awesome.” The upward curve to his lips grew more pronounced. “Then let’s poke and prod at some patients.”
“You’re such an inspiration,” I said flatly, only to drop the act. “But seriously, thank you. I appreciate it.”
“We all need someone to set us straight sometimes. It’s what I’m here for.”
Devon Memorial had a reputation—cutthroat, sink or swim, you snooze you lose. I’d seen glimpses of that during orientation and in Dr. Novak’s precise efficiency—perfection was only just good enough. But so far, I’d lucked out with my supervisors. Even if Jesse was in a category of his own.
“Thank you,” I repeated, and Tay grinned.
“You’re welcome. Now, enough chitchat. Let’s go.”
We went.
I stopped dead in my tracks. Like I was stuck in some fucking cartoon.
Jesse wasn’t even doing anything special, just walking out a mom, listening as she talked in a low, urgent voice. His whole body was turned to her, and something about it—the way he cared, how he never dismissed parents and their fears as irrational, never put himself above them. Just like I’d told Neil a couple of days ago, Jesse wasgood.
And right now, it hit me like a punch to the gut. Because… Fuck.Fuck.I was in love with him.
No. That hadn’t been part of the plan. Attraction, sure—I could handle that. But I wasn’t… I didn’t… Love? No. Except, yeah. That bright, bubbly feeling in my stomach, the sinking weight in my bones. How something in me went quiet just at the sight of him.
He glanced up and over, caught me watching. His eyes warmed, the worried curve of his mouth softening into a gentler tilt. “Pretty sure he’s at least half in love with you.”Neil’s words, echoing like standing right next to a tolling church bell. If Neil was right…
Well, hey. Travis had claimed to be in love with me until he dumped my ass. Ken, too, before him. Jace, Everett. Easy come, easy go—that’s how they’d all felt about me, the shine wearing off quickly once I showed my true colors. Medical rambling and sloppy grinding, wasn’t that how Travis had put it?Not good enough.
If Jesse and I started something real and then he did that to me, simply snapped his fingers and walked away—it wouldn’t just bruise my ego like with Travis. It would…
