His tone made it a statement rather than a question—yet it burst like a water balloon inside my chest, made it harder to breathe, nothing to do with being sick. I swallowed. “I do, yeah. But he’d risk much more than I would.”
“He took you home,” Neil said slowly. “Hardly within professional boundaries. And the way he looked at you…”
My dumb little heart flipped over. “Howdidhe look at me?”
“Like he was oozing worry and desperately wanted to stay.” Neil made it sound obvious, easy, when it was anything but. I focused on whipping the batter into shape, tired muscles slower than usual, struggling with something my mom had taught me when I’d been just seven or eight, her bright laugh tickling the back of my mind even now. “Very good, honey. Let’s just fish out these bits of eggshell, though, mm-hmm?”
Fuck, I missed home. New York was too big, too bright and loud. I could handle it—there was Neil, there were Khai and Tessa. There wasJesse. But I missed clean air and green hills, the evening chirp of crickets and the post-rain croak of frogs, missed being able to see wide open skies and stars at night.
“You really think he wanted to stay?” I asked, the distant whisper of “Wish I could”echoing sweetly in my bones.
“Finn.” Neil’s voice dropped, and when I glanced over, he had both elbows planted on the table, his gaze uncommonly serious. “Look, I may not be the expert on love—almostproposed to my high-school sweetheart just before she decided she could do better?—”
“Her mistake,” I cut in. “There’s no way she could.”
“Thanks, man.” His lips hitched up. “But truth is, she wasn’t wrong. We’d grown into very different people—she was just brave enough to see it before I did.”
“Still. You’re a catch.” Very true, even if I meant it one hundred percent platonically.
“Aww.” He pretended to fan himself, but the pleased tilt to his smile gave him away. “Anyway,” he continued, “my point is that I’m no expert on love. But that guy—Jesse? Yeah. Pretty sure he’s at least half in love with you.”
Oh. Like sinking slowly into warm water, the world gone quiet for a moment.
“Even if you’re right…” God, I wanted Neil to be right. “Attending applications open in winter. Starting anything with me—he’d just about ruin his own chances with Devon.”
“So keep it secret,” Neil said, easy as you please.
For a moment, I let myself imagine it—sneaking up to the rooftop for a quick kiss, sleeping in Jesse’s bed but arriving separately. Telling no one. Shrugging whenever Khai and Tessa asked if I was dating.Just not really looking right now, you know?
I’d do it.
“He wouldn’t want that.” I paused, tired, then flicked on the stove. “He’s…ethical. Which I love, right?”Love. I moved on before it could take root. “He stepped down as my supervisor because it was the right thing to do. Going behind everyone’s back—he’d hate it.”
“Maybe you should ask him before assuming anything?” Neil suggested, gentle.
I ladled some batter into a pan, the warm, greasy smell of melting butter hanging a little too thick in the air. “Pretty surehe’s at least half in love with you.”I couldn’t ask Jesse to keep us secret, not when I knew it would make him miserable. Not when he might lose everything he’d worked so hard for, everything hedeserved. I couldn’t.
Funny how I considered myself a serial monogamist, hadn’t spent much time single since I’d turned eighteen, and yet with all my relationships… I hadn’t felt like this about any of my exes—like I would put myself second, no questions asked, just to make sure they were all right. Funny, yeah.
More like scary as fuck.
“Maybe,” I said softly, more to myself.
Neil seemed to take it as agreement because he made a satisfied noise. “Good. Also, though—Jesus, Finn. The way you looked when he brought you home? Why were you even at work?”
“I didn’t want to fail.”
“And getting sick means failure?” His tone implied he thought it absurd. I glanced at the way he was sprawled on his chair, easy confidence that never tipped into arrogance, and wished I had half his self-assurance.
“Kind of?” Especially with the full simulation for the twin surgery coming up next week. I was too junior to handle anything of importance, but even scrubbing in, holding retractors, monitoring vitals—it was a big deal. If I seemed shaky at all, they’d swap me out for the real thing. Simple precaution.
Ihadto be back on my feet by then.
“That’s bullshit,” Neil said. “I know you doctors have some weird code that’s all about, like, working through pain and never taking sick days. But guess what? If you’re face down in a supply closet, then no, that’s not ‘impressive commitment, dude.’ That’s being an idiot who doesn’t take care of himself.”
Well. He wasn’t wrong.
“Okay.” I let a smile twitch around my mouth. “Now tell me how youreallyfeel?”
