Ugh. No.
Cannot beseriouslycrushing on the tall, cute popstar. That would be cataclysmic.
Even so, as I get closer and dig my hand into the bag, I can’t stop the smile that stretches across my face.
Gus tilts his head. “What on earth does it take to get you to smile like that?” he asks, his lips curving upwards.
“This,” I say, pulling out a new Just4Summer t-shirt, except this time it’s only the logo. “Would you believe I found this?”
He blinks several times, rubs his nose. I pride myself on having a good read on people. It’s what I do for a living. It’s my job to work out who is the snake at a negotiation table, who is the angriest about an offer, whether someone is going to bail on a contract – that sort of thing.
And my joy at finding the t-shirt shifts fast as I watch Gus force a laugh.
I stuff it back in the bag, my smile dropping. “I won’t wear it.”
“Why not?”
“Because…” I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. “It was just a joke. I have other clothes.” I fidget on my feet. “Where did you get dressed by the way?”
Gus shows me to the surprisingly clean public loos whereI change into my new denim shorts and t-shirt, switching into new sneakers too before binning all the fishy-smelling clothing.
“Right. Let’s find this coach.”
*
Mum is singing along to theMamma Miasoundtrack as we drive home from the cinema. I’m rolling my eyes because I hate it when Mum sings even though it makes me smile because I love seeing her happy.
It’s funny because although I know this is a dream, it takes me longer and longer to acknowledge the fact.
We reach the roundabout where she always reminds me, and I feel my nose twitch as the pressure builds behind my eyes.
“You know this is where I get off, right? It’s always here,” she tells me.
My lips quiver and I glance at her. Her darkening blonde hair is tucked behind her ears; her icy blue eyes are the spit of mine as she blinks.
“Don’t go, Mum,” I whisper.
She does that big smile she does. It reminds me so much of Millie. It’s so full of energy and trouble. “It has to be here, darling.”
“No. Mum. Just a little longer.”
But like always, the second we hit the roundabout a switch occurs. Mum is gone and I’m behind the wheel.
And every single time, I find myself on a roundabout with no exits.
“Sara,” a soft voice is nudging me awake.
I sit up fast, taking in my surroundings. It’s bright. I wince.The engine hisses as the coach presses on up a hill. Gus is beside me. In fact, I’m on Gus. Somehow, I’ve managed to get my head into the crook of his neck, and my legs are in his lap.
When the fuck did I do that?
My own body betrays me.
I don’t move right away. Better to give myself a moment to reset. I clench my eyes closed and let the adrenaline wash through my body. I used to imagine all the feelings pouring like liquid out of my fingertips. I try that now.
“Sorry,” I whisper.
Gus has one hand on the back of my head, holding me to him, stroking me gently. “Hey. You’re ok.”
