Finally, he shows us down to the cabin.
I have to say, I’ve seen some things in my time. I did a cleaning job at one of the nightclubs for a summer down on Brighton seafront and… You know what? I won’t recall the details. All I’m saying is, the smell of rotting fish and, well, rotting old man, in here has me regretting those garlic prawns.
Roko kindly clears off the wooden benches that surround the built-in table, dumping the paperwork and boxes that were covering it in the kitchen area which has opened tins strewn across the worktop. He points for us to sit, so we do, and then talks some more. I already know that Gus doesn’t speak his language, but he laughs at all the right moments which pleases our captain greatly. Roko leaves us after this. Moments later the engine spits and grumbles to life, and the whole boat vibrates around us.
“I’m scared,” I say, wide-eyed, holding onto the table.
Gus is aghast. “What?Why?Roko’s sound.”
“Oh, so you understood that?”
“Well, no, I didn’t. But you can tell he’s a laugh.”
“Shut up.No, you can’t! For all you know, he was walking you through his plans to poison us and throw us into the sea.”
He makes a tsking sound. “Roko couldn’t lift my dead body.”
“That’s not the poi—” I squeal as the boat lurches, and we cruise away from the dock. “If I die, and you survive, please can you tell my sisters that their secret group chat is both petty and unjust?”
“That feels incredibly specific. Not ‘I love you’?”
“No. They need the truth.”
He laughs. “How do you know they have a group chat without you?”
I shrug, breathing steadily through my nose to exhale the anxiety away. “My youngest sister admitted it. And the worst part is I’m not surprised at all. I guess I deserve it.” Now really isn’t the time for deep introspection and self-reflection but, seeing as I’ll probably die out here, why not? “They all hated me when we were younger.”
“I doubt that’s true.”
“No, it is. I had to get them and myself to school most days and make sure they weren’t doing stupid shit. All I did was look after them the way I thought our mum would’ve wanted me to. Dad was great but he wasn’t good at girl stuff.” The boat hits a wave and my soul exits my body. “He didn’t understand,” I continue, voice shaky, “when a relationship was getting toxic. He didn’t know what things we needed to fit in. You know, silly things like Jane Norman bags and the latest hairstyles. And the types of shoes that wouldn’t get you bullied.” Gus nods thoughtfully, though it occurs to me this probably doesn’t make much sense to him.
“I think I mothered them too hard, and they couldn’t separate me as the bossy, uptight sister. In the end, while I was trying to make them happy and safe, I pushed them away instead. It’s the biggest regret of my life.”Is this trauma dumping?!
Gus leans back, stretching his legs out under the table, his trainer nudging my sandal.
“I think you’re giving yourself a very hard time for what sounded like an impossible challenge. I’m definitely not a model big sibling either so I can’t impart my advice but what I do know is it sounds like you only ever had their best interests at heart.”
I exhale. “I did. I only ever tried my best. And now I just feel like they’ve pushed me out of their group. It feels like them and me. Notus.” I sigh, regretting bringing this up at all.What is it about life-threatening situations that make you overshare?!“Anyway, let’s go back up there. The bay will look gorgeous at this time of day. I’m sure you’ll want to get it on camera.” I don’t wait for him to respond, slapping my hands on the table (to find it’s sticky –ugh!) and stride up the stairs back onto the deck where Roko spots me and waves from the helm. I hobble towards the front of the ship and lean on the side, staring at the gorgeous scenery of lush green mountains, clear water and terracotta roofs littering the vanishing coastline. I feel the breeze whip through my hair in just the right way and close my eyes.
That’s when I hear Roko’s mismatched footsteps march hastily towards me. He keeps repeating the same word over and over again. I blink at him trying to figure out if I’m in some kind of horrible danger.
Also –who the fuck is driving the boat!?
I look up towards the helm. Nobody. Nobody is steering the boat.
Just great.
“Delfino!” he says again.
“No way!” comes Gus’s excited response, who bounces up behind me and practically leans over my body, holding onto the side of the boat, pointing. “Look! Dolphin!”
Roko smiles and nods enthusiastically. I turn back at this point, right at the moment a sleek silver beauty leaps out of the water. I bite my lip to contain my excitement. I feel a tap on my back and when I peek over my shoulder, I am horrified to find a dead, slippery fish dangling in my face. Roko motions throwing it into the sea.
“Oh! Sure, ok. Am I allowed? I feel like this probably isn’t allowed. But whatever, I guess.” I pinch the dead fish between my thumb and forefinger before lobbing it into the water. Seconds later the dolphin launches itself out of the water again.
It’s mesmerising.
That’s when it hits me, and I have to chew on my wobbling lip to prevent tears escaping. I wouldn’t have experienced this if I’d chosen to fly home instead. I feel the smile bloom on my face, the excitement lacing through my veins.I did it!I did something risky – something for me – and it’s going to be ok.
